How Do You Know It's Time To Divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
How Do You Know It's Time To Divorce?
4
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 2:52pm

DH and I met in July 2002. We dediced in September we wanted to get married and did so on Valentine's Day 2003. We had our first child, a little girl, this past September and she's just the most amazing thing!

DH and I have had alot of problems. Most of it boils down to we don't know how to fight the *right way*. We went to counseling about a year after we had been married, and it helped, but I guess we've slacked off on what they taught us because things are worse than ever now.

He owns his own business. He's had it for a little over a year and he's not making much money with it, but things are picking up. My entire paycheck (I work full time and our baby goes to daycare) goes to cover bills and we're using our credit cards alot right now just to get by.

He's gone alot of the time (working late) and to be honest, it's easier when he's not here. I get to enjoy my little girl. I don't have to make him dinner or do anything else for him. To be honest I'd be fine if I never had sex again.

Whenever he is here, all we do is argue. Last weekend we had a fight over stupid stuff and this weekend it's the same thing. I don't have the patience for him anymore. I don't like to go places. I don't have many friends (mainly just the girls I work with).

In the heat of the moment while we're fighting, he'll usually bring up divorce. I'm about ready to just give in the towel and say Ok, but then I start to worry about what things would be like if we did divorce. Where would I live? What would happen when it was his weekend to see our daughter and I didn't get to see her all weekend? What about the money situation? How would we split up our possessions?

I talked to my sister-in-law about it (his sister) and she suggested counseling again. I asked him and he said that he wasn't going to go because "you have the problem, not me" and that I could go by myself if I wanted to.

Next month is our anniversary and I have a weekend planned where my MIL will watch the baby so we can be alone together, but I honestly don't know if we're going to last another 3 weeks.

How do you know when it's time to end it? And how do you make all those hard decisions that come once you make the decision?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 3:24pm

Dreamn34,

I am right there with you! I felt like I was reading my own post. I can't tell you when you will know. I think our minds play alot of games with us. I know that somedays I feel that I can keep living like this and others I feel that at any second I am just going to snap. I just wanted you to know that your not alone.

We just need to be real with ourselves and get educated before we make any decisions.

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:36pm

Hey there..... Welcome!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 10:30pm

It sounds like you've tried a lot of things, but unfortunately your husband does not see this problem as a marriage problem, but only as your own, which is unfortunate...

If he will not go to counseling, have you considered going by yourself, to help you sort things out and determine what the best course of action is?

In addition, I would speak with an attorney to find out what your (and your children's) rights are in your state... knowledge is definitely power in divorce... and go ahead and start preparing some of the information that you may need, should you decide on divorce... make copies of financial records, set up your own bank account, if you do not have one all ready...

Good luck!

Julie

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 5:15pm

Dear Dream,

Sounds to me like you lack any sense of partnership. You're two people living under the same roof, but with independent lives. He has enthusiasm for his business and you take joy in caring for your child. You need to decide you have a partnership and what your common goal is.

So here's a question to consider: Go back and think through what attracted you to one another in the first place. Take a sheet of paper and write down the top three positive things that you saw in him when you fell in love. Have him do the same. (This can be accomplished in a few minutes.) Then, on the other side of the page, write down your EXPECTATIONS of marriage. Expectations are usually unspoken and heavily influenced by our knowledge of marriage from our parents, family, friends, and culture. For instance, it could be as simple as he expected you to have dinner ready to eat at 5:30 p.m. every week night (just like his mother might have done for his Dad.)

This is a simple example, but its a good way to illustrate what can happen. So you don't have dinner ready to eat at 5:30 p.m. First of all, chances are good you don't know that's what he expects so you're going to be surprised when he's upset. Second, he's probably not even conscious of WHY he expects dinner on the table (routines die hard.). While this might not be cause for a fight over one instance, if it happens every day for a period of time, it could lead to a blow up.

I'm also guessing you're not taking into account the stress the birth of your daughter has introduced into your relationship. Before her birth you had a two-way relationship: He with you; you with him. Now there's a 6-way relationship going on. (You with him, him with you; you with your daughter, him with your daugter; your daughter to you and your dauther to him.) Plus, the sheer stress of living with a newborn is enough to make the most laid back person come out of their skin, at least for a while. Previously your focus was on each other; now you've got to take care of your child. While you may not mean to give him less attention, of necessity you're paying more attention to your child. Hence, he may be putting more time into the business in part because he can't compete with your daughter.

The two of you have a very difficult but important task ahead of you: Setting yourselves aside and focusing on your marriage for your daughter. It's no longer about just you or just him. Your a family now. And your daughter is a very, very good reason to work on your marriage.

I agree with your sister-in-law's advice to seek counseling once more. I mean go even if you go alone. You need to take a leadership role in righting your marriage. I strongly believe once you have some tools to work with through counseling you'll be better prepared to address what ails your relationship. You need to see how you can contribute to a successful marriage and model that to your husband and you need to support him in his efforts to run his business so he can provide for you. It's give and take all the way. Your daughter deserves to be raised by both of you.

Good luck,
Wisdomtooth