How do you know when it's OVER??? help
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How do you know when it's OVER??? help
| Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:07am |
Hi, I'm new here and I have a question for you all!
Okay, I am 22 years old and have been married for almost 3 years. Yes, I got married very young! My husband is 21. We have a 1 1/2 year old son together as well. My question is- How do you know when it's over? I mean, I feel in my heart that it is....I am NOT in love with him at all and I feel that we are definitely more like brother/sister and room mates/best friends. We still get along great for the most part, the thing is- there is no love, passion or romance there. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. He still does, but I have NO desire with him. He gained a little weight since we've been married, and that is a factor in it. I don't think he can/will lose weight even if he wanted to, because heaviness is something that runs highly in his family. Besides, I don't think he really wants to give up eating. I know he feels the same way I do. We talked about this whole situation a couple weeks ago. I told him that I feel more like we're room mates and that I didn't know if I was "in love" with him anymore...He said he felt the same way. Of course we will always love eachother and have that special bond through our son, but we are no longer "in love". I have been antsy lately to get back out into the dating world and have fun again. I feel that I am wasting my time in this marriage. I am CONTENT, yet not HAPPY. Is there more to marriage than just being content? Or am I just being a hopeless romantic? Would it be smarter just to stay with the man I am with, as we have a son together, and we do get along okay for the most part, just don't have too much in common and definitely not in love. Can we fall BACK in love? At this point, I definitely feel that it is a hopeless cause. The problem is- I don't really WANT to try anymore. I just want to start a new life, a new beginning. I feel that we got married really young and didn't really experience with dating other people and really LIVING. I feel tied down now. Don't get me wrong, I will always put my son first, even if I am single, but I just want to have fun again!
Does anyone have any advice for me out there? My family keeps telling me that we should try to work on our marriage...when I don't even know if I WANT to put forth the effort to work on it really....I don't want to. Is that so wrong?? Would I be wrong to separate/divorce him? I feel that we could get along well as friends and co-parents. We are just not "meant to be" ...and I feel that if I stay with him, I could possibly be denying myself, and him, in finding our true better halves. I have been feeling "out of love" with him for over a year now, so this is not something that sprang up overnight, either!
I just feel guilty, and I don't want to regret divorcing him in the future, but I really want to be happy now! I really don't feel that anything we do will bring back that "spark"...am I being naive? could the "spark" really come back?
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! Thank you!!
Okay, I am 22 years old and have been married for almost 3 years. Yes, I got married very young! My husband is 21. We have a 1 1/2 year old son together as well. My question is- How do you know when it's over? I mean, I feel in my heart that it is....I am NOT in love with him at all and I feel that we are definitely more like brother/sister and room mates/best friends. We still get along great for the most part, the thing is- there is no love, passion or romance there. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. He still does, but I have NO desire with him. He gained a little weight since we've been married, and that is a factor in it. I don't think he can/will lose weight even if he wanted to, because heaviness is something that runs highly in his family. Besides, I don't think he really wants to give up eating. I know he feels the same way I do. We talked about this whole situation a couple weeks ago. I told him that I feel more like we're room mates and that I didn't know if I was "in love" with him anymore...He said he felt the same way. Of course we will always love eachother and have that special bond through our son, but we are no longer "in love". I have been antsy lately to get back out into the dating world and have fun again. I feel that I am wasting my time in this marriage. I am CONTENT, yet not HAPPY. Is there more to marriage than just being content? Or am I just being a hopeless romantic? Would it be smarter just to stay with the man I am with, as we have a son together, and we do get along okay for the most part, just don't have too much in common and definitely not in love. Can we fall BACK in love? At this point, I definitely feel that it is a hopeless cause. The problem is- I don't really WANT to try anymore. I just want to start a new life, a new beginning. I feel that we got married really young and didn't really experience with dating other people and really LIVING. I feel tied down now. Don't get me wrong, I will always put my son first, even if I am single, but I just want to have fun again!
Does anyone have any advice for me out there? My family keeps telling me that we should try to work on our marriage...when I don't even know if I WANT to put forth the effort to work on it really....I don't want to. Is that so wrong?? Would I be wrong to separate/divorce him? I feel that we could get along well as friends and co-parents. We are just not "meant to be" ...and I feel that if I stay with him, I could possibly be denying myself, and him, in finding our true better halves. I have been feeling "out of love" with him for over a year now, so this is not something that sprang up overnight, either!
I just feel guilty, and I don't want to regret divorcing him in the future, but I really want to be happy now! I really don't feel that anything we do will bring back that "spark"...am I being naive? could the "spark" really come back?
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! Thank you!!

Well only you can make the decision as to whether there is anything left to put in the effort to try and make things work. It sounds like you have a good basis to work on your relationship though - it just sounds like you are in a bit of a rut. I would suggest giving counselling a try. I know in my own situation that I felt I needed to ensure that I had done all that I possibly could to save my marriage for the sake of my children. In the end, it wasn't salvagable, but at least we tried and we can tell our daughters that when they are older and will, no doubt, one day ask.
Best of luck to you,
Rose
taytertott...
Question from Pianoguy:
"Do you want your marriage to be over because the man you've chosen as your lifelong partner no longer is attractive?" OR "Do you have your eyes set on a possible replacement?"
PG did the "roommate bit" for 8 years during his 16 year 1st marriage. IT WAS A MAJOR MISTAKE simply because 'staying together for the benefit of the children' only creates more frustration and tension! Our boys were smart enough to realize that 'Mom and Dad were just existing in the same space!'
And that's a foolish excuse to stay together!
Neither one of us had "interest" in another partner...but we definitely WEREN'T INTERESTED IN STAYING TOGETHER!
There are marriages that do much better with a little counselling. And there are some that can't be saved even if a marital counsellor showed up for a session once or twice a week!
Ask yourself if you can emotionally and financially survive on your own? Don't ASK your parents because they've already told you how they feel. A trusted friend or minister would be a better person to talk with BEFORE you do anything!
Pianoguy
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Do you think you'll be single and happy or married to someone else and happy?
Like your parents said, it takes work to have a happy marriage. If you divorce your husband, with your curent mindset, your next marriage will also end in divorce. From what you say there really isn't anything wrong with him. He is a human being and not perfect, but he is not abusive, not a womanizer, not a gambler and not all those things that could be potential deal breakers. He obviously cares for you and your son.
If you want to be single, then go ahead with the divorce, but if you think you will find someone "better" you won't. You have to do your part to keep your marriage alive and make it what you want it to be. It doesn't just happen by itself. My husband and I read mariage books together and it really brought us together. We also wrote down our goals and what we wanted and talked about it and these exercises really made us closer. Counseling also might help.
Tay,
I like to compare the stages of romance to a fire. When you first start a fire you have a high, hot blazing fire that consumes all the wood in a rage of flames and heat. Then the fire dies down a little and you have to add another piece of wood. If you want to keep the fire going you need to feed it a steady supply of fuel (wood) or it will die out. The best firekeepers can start the fire blazing again from just warm, glowing coals.
Marriage is like a fire. It starts white-hot and all-consuming and then the passion dies down a bit. You have to "stir things up" with a little passion or romance. The longer you're married the more you have to tend the fire of your marriage. Contentment is something to be desired in marriage. Think of it as the warm glow of the coals. Passion is adding some wood and fanning the flames. While you can enjoy a hot blazing fire with effort, it can't be sustained without constant attention.
My advice? Don't throw your marriage out the window because you're bored with your routine.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Let me tell you, raising a kid by your self is the hardest job in the world. There is no fun time just for me. You are doing double duty. Divorce is hard. There is a big world out there, but remember it is a cold world. We all have had those boring moments. Have a date night. Or ask a friend to take your baby for a night, stay home, no TV. Just talk. One thing is communication. Both ways. Men seldom like to talk. But sometimes it can do you both alot of good. Good Luck.
Your post made me think of a poem I wrote. It's actually published in a collection of poetry released by International Library of Poetry called "Timeless Voices." I have recently received an invitation to have it (or another newer poem) published in a collection of poetry to be released in Winter 2008 by Noble House out of London, U.K.
Here's how it goes.
The Dying Flame(title)
The flame burns brightly for a while,
Then smolders and burns out.
All we're left is ashes
And irremovable doubt.
But in those seconds while it burns,
We experience amazing things;
Warmth, love, friendship, passions;
The whole world seems to sing.
Then the blue gets dimmer.
The oranges start appearing,
And still we stare, mesmerized
As the pops go on blaring.
With each pop, the heat escapes
High into the air
Joining other molecules
Floating without a care.
Until all of a sudden,
The light is gone,
And we stand crying
As a lover moves on.
(End)
I hope you liked the poem. I believe that not all love has to end this way, but unfortunately, if not tended carefully, often does. My bro and sil have been married 19 years. They are just as happy now (4 kids later) as they were when they got married. My parents will have been married 38 years in August. Both couples tended their love. They've had hard times, but they've made it through them. Their marriages have given me hope that if I ever decide to take that journey again, it's possible to be happy and to make it last.
Becka