How do you know when it's time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
How do you know when it's time?
8
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 8:16am

My H and I have been together for 9 years. Married for 7 with 7 and 4.5 year olds and a 5 month old. We have been in counseling off and on for about 9 months. I have had an EA with an ex-boyfriend who has been a constant thought in my marriage and relationship with my husband. I have cut off contact there numerous times, but really have had no contact other than short "Hi. How are you?" emails for the past 3 months. Do I still think I could have a future with this ex? Quite possibly, but I have been only considering divorce as though I would be alone if divorced, and not have someone there waiting for me. I realize the implications an emotional affair have on a potential relationship with the EA partner, and I'm not kidding myself there.

In a nutshell, I am like a lot of the people here. There has been no passion (either sexually or otherwise) for as long as either of us can remember (I have maybe enjoyed sex with him once a year since we have been married, we never kiss, nor do I have the desire to--yet, have always been very in touch with my sexuality). We do not share like interests. I feel he doesn't know me, and never will. My husband is terrible with money, he makes a very good living, but we have nothing to show for it. He has been very materialistic, and I bought into it for a while, but can no longer do that. He saw and still sees his role as provider as paramount, so for the entire marriage, all financial decisions have been his decisions. At the same time, he refuses to work from a budget and I believe does not have the skills or the humility to cut back and be ok with it. I believe to my husband, who is overall a good man and father, that he wants arm candy. Truly. That at the end of the day, as long as he comes home to a pretty wife and can take her to work events and whatnot, that he will be happy. He likes to buy me things, but we don't have that connection and I feel like he's trying to "buy" my happiness, all while pushing us further into financial disrepair.

Right now it seems we have a weekly fight (we usually only see each other for an hour each day and on the weekends due to his work). The fight is always the same. I do something that disappoints him (this week it was suggesting that we go get the driver he wanted for his birthday) and then he tells me "It's so obvious that you don't want to be married to me anymore..." and so begins our weekly argument. Then we spend the rest of the weekend trying to recover. So on Saturday he's telling me we should get divorced because he can tell it's what I want, but by Sunday night, he wants things glazed back over as everything being fine.

I have a legal degree and have never practiced. We did not plan on getting pregnant and decided at the surprise birth of our first son that I would stay home. I do love being able to give that to my children and realize that if we were to divorce, I would be lucky if I were able to stay home most likely until our youngest is school-aged. So, I also look at this as the choice of two evils. Do I end the marriage, deal with the sadness that comes along with that and the complications with the children, shared custody, our families (who may not be supportive since most of my family really like him) and the potential of being alone forever knowing how badly I have hurt my husband, but also have the potential of having a more fulfilling life without the everyday sadness that we currently have? Or do I stay in the marriage and not feel fulfilled and keep enduring this sadness or allow myself to be numb and ok without passion for life or the marriage?

I just don't know what to do, but I know I cannot sit and ponder this for yet another year. I'm not worried about being alone in divorce--because I have felt alone the entire marriage. I am worried only about the effect on my children and my husband. I am somewhat concerned about the $ aspect, but I know that I can make that work on my own if necessary (though not ideal) just because of my degree and I know I have the determination to not fail. My husband is not getting a wife he deserves (I've all along felt that the fact that I have felt romantic love for someone outside my marriage is enough for me to say I should leave), my children are not getting all the mother they deserve. My friends and family are not getting all of me they deserve. I just don't know at what point I say "Ok, that's it" or the thing I do to "test" whether we should or should not end the marriage. I appreciate any insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 11:11am

I think this is a very diff. decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 1:01pm

Hey there gogadgetgo,


How do you know when it's time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 10:01pm

Thank you for your response. I have been in therapy. I was in individual therapy from July 2007 until December 2007. Since the baby was born in December, I have only attended therapy two times. It has been difficult to do it with three children and a husband who is never home. It's not impossible, but a financial and logistical burden that I have been trying to avoid by trying to supplement with as many self-help books as possible.

At the times he says "this is obviously over" I get upset but also quietly relieved, which makes me even more upset. I don't know what would happen if I actually said "Yes, you're right. It's over. Let's get a divorce."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 10:40pm

I appreciate your response. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

I agree that in many ways I did not truly "enter" the marriage. I did the best I knew how to at the time, having unexpectedly becoming pregnant and I do not mean that to be a copout of any sort, but it obviously affected both my and my husband. I thought at the time that I was ok with the ex being an ex forever. I thought that our baby would be better off with his parents married. I thought that the fact that my husband was a "good guy" would be enough for me. Any thoughts about my ex over the next years were completely subconscious and out of my control, until about a year ago when he emailed me and I emailed him back, a huge mistake obviously. To my credit, though, my husband did not truly enter the marriage until a few months ago, and he will, himself, admit that. Yes, I do believe that a large part of this has to do with my stupidity at the time of getting married--I did not take the amount of time and thought needed to truly assess whether marrying is a good decision.

I agree that my thoughts of my ex are fantasy, keeping in mind we dated for 7 years and have known each other (off and on, of course) for 18 years. Not to say that it couldn't work in reality, but right now I have no clue of that, and I'm not about to assume anything about things working out with him. Would we be able to work together on parenting? Would we figure out a fair way to "fight?" Would we be able to create a partnership in all aspects of life, including bills, children, careers, everything? Would we still want to come home to each other at the end of the day? I don't know and I do realize that I would have to do a lot of work before even thinking of entering into another serious relationship, now that I am a mother to three children.

I agree that my husband will most likely divorce me soon if things do not change, based on my ambivalence to the marriage. I started in individual therapy, and as soon as my husband said we need to work on this marriage or I will leave, we entered couples. We stopped couples therapy mainly because it was not helping me. It helped us to communicate better, but listening to him describe why he loved me: because I am the prettiest woman he has ever seen and because we used to have fun in law school going out drinking only made me feel less worthy and more like he really did not know me at all. Things he said about me were sometimes completely untrue: it's almost like he was imagining the person he wanted to be married to and not the person he was actually married to.

I agree if you are saying the words I have used to describe my marriage are not flattering. On the other hand, the marriage my husband tried to build and that I tried to be part of, is exactly his parents' marriage (except the sexual part, I don't know about that). It's obviously working for them since they have been married 35 years. However, I do not think a marriage like the one I have been in would ever work for me. I'm not the type of person who feels comfortable having no say in major issues in the relationship and don't think I ever will be.

All I have ever wanted was to be in a respectful partnership, and I begged for that from my husband for the duration of our marriage. I want so many things we never had in our relationship. I want my spouse to be my best friend. I want to feel sexually safe with my spouse (I was sexually abused as a child, and my husband's placement of sex as the barometer of our relationship's success placed me back in that same position, psychologically). I know my EA was completely disrespectful to my husband and to my children and the marriage. I know it was wrong, hurtful, damaging, everything bad you can say. I don't think marriage is supposed to be easy. I don't expect to be sexually attracted to my spouse at all times. I don't expect to agree all the time, actually I hope that we wouldn't. I wholeheartedly agree that kids, sex and money will always be issues and that it's how you negotiate those issues that determines a successful marriage. I only wish that my husband had been willing to negotiate those issues before now.

Edited 5/12/2008 10:47 pm ET by gogadgetgo




Edited 5/12/2008 11:13 pm ET by gogadgetgo
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 11:10am
My therapist gave me this advice when I told her that my STBX would say that he wanted a divorce or maybe we should get a divorce every time we had an argument--ask him "Is that really what you want?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 12:31pm

Your situation sounds an awful lot like both you and your husband are done with marriage, but neither of you is willing to come right out and say "The End".


My concern is that in this kind of situation, if it is the kind I'm thinking of, tends to drive spouses to trade emotional body blows with each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 3:27pm

I think your assessment is right on. He does not believe that my feelings will change, and I am pretty unsure of that as well. I am afraid of things getting nastier, and I have been struggling with that. I did not want to end things right after the EA, knowing that would rest on his mind ultimately and be what he took away from our marriage. I instead wanted to put the effort in to show that I do want things to work out, even if it did not ultimately happen. I think he tried to put the work in also, but found that he was tired of him, as he was, not being good enough. I completely sympathize with him there and was sad from the start of him having to consider changing and a potential divorce. I am so upset to have brought to him and his relatively drama-free life a potential divorce. (I see it as I'm pretty messed up between the sexual and physical abuse, my parents' divorce and my father's death as a child; he, on the other hand, comes from a stable home with pretty little drama. I figure I can handle this stuff, and it's pretty much in my blood at this point. It's completely devastating to him and I hate that. I feel, and have expressed to him, many times, that I am sorry for him that he ended up with me. I truly am.

Luckily, the kids are amazing. They have been great and I definitely want them to stay that way. According to my husband, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's being a mom. So, if divorce is the answer, it's better to do it now, while the kids are still stable, rather than waiting for things to get nasty between my husband and me. I have been waiting and trying to do more date nights, spend more time together, get to know my husband better to avoid a huge mistake by rushing into divorce. My husband's answer is that we just have to "stop worrying that it's a huge mistake." Things have been pretty civil thus far. On Saturday, he told me that I am "a wonderful person, and deserve to be happy, even if it's without him, or with someone else" and that I've never put myself and what I want first and I need to figure out what that is. He really is an amazing man who deserves so much more than I have ever or probably could ever give him. I am very lucky that he is the father of our children.

I'm sad to hear you were sexually abused. I hope you've been able to find some good therapy as well for it. My first therapist was a much better sexual abuse therapist than she was a marriage therapist. It took me until I was 30 to admit I was abused, even though I had remembered events beforehand. I cannot believe how many of my behaviors made sense once I read The Courage to Heal and The Sexual Healing Journey. I know it will be a lifelong battle for me, and something I have to return to often to work on. And, no, my husband had nothing to do with the abuse. I am well aware of that, but I also believe that my not having had therapy earlier created a lot of very negative sexual experiences for us. I'm glad that I now possess the knowledge to help alleviate flashbacks/triggers in the future.

Thanks again for the thoughtful words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 11:30am

Thank you for the sound advice. It's like I always know that divorce is the right path, I just am scared to get the words out. It's like they are just sitting there at the back of my throat. My husband will say those things and then an hour later backtrack. I know it isn't what he wants. He knows it's also not what I want, but that it seems right at this time. He says he knows we're just together for the kids and he feels selfish for even thinking of divorce.

I know that I need to go back to therapy and work this out. Somehow I am going to have to figure out how to muster up this courage. I appreciate your help.