How do you know when it's time?
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| Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:37pm |
For those of you who initiated the divorce or for those of you who ultimately realized the wisdom of the choice of another, how do you know when it's time? How do you know when your marriage has ended? Hopefully your answers will be helpful to all of othose people out there searching for answers.
I've been married for three years and wondering if it's time to move on with my life. My husband and I got married with a few months notice because of a cross-country relocation. Circumstances called for one of those get married or split up decisions. Now, three years later, I'm feeling trapped and unhappy for several reasons.
(1) There is no sex life. He's a cutie, but I'm not physically attracted to him, and I don't know that I ever really have been. We have sex about once a month and that's only because I'm feeling guilty. We've never had a great sex life, but I think I just stopped caring altogether.
(2) We fight all the time. He thinks I'm a flitty princess. I think he's a selfish, tyrannical jerk. Neither characterization is probably fair, but the point is that we've sunk to the level where I don't think we can see the good in each other anymore.
(3) Our families have very different values. My family is over-involved, too generous, conservative and religious. His is under-involved, selfish, liberal and secular. While neither of us is particularly like our families, the tension becomes too great sometimes. Each of our parents think so little of the spouse. And my parents have done some pretty horrible things to him lately, such that he doesn't want us to ever have a relationship with them again.
(4) The thought of a lifetime of this makes me sick. I feel so socially isolated, criticized, trapped and unhappy. What's more, I don't know if I want him to be the father of my children.
(5) There is abuse in the relationship. He hits and pushes me from time to time. I'm generally afraid of him when he gets in a certain mood. And he claims I'm emotionally abusive and mean to him, which is probably fair.
We're both smart, accomplished people. And we used to be happy people. It seems like together we're a disaster. I don't know if these feelings are happening because of the point in our relationship, or whether they are sympomatic of a larger problem. There are no children and we're both capable of being financially independent.

lawgirl3075...
It's only Pianoguy's opinion, but 4 out of the 5 items in your post...not to mention the fact that your careers seem to take precedent over sharing a happy life together...ARE THE PERFECT REASONS FOR FILING FOR DIVORCE! .
Assuming that one of you hasn't got your eyes (or any other body part) on somebody else, it's clear that on a scale of 1-10...with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest...your marriage definitely DOESN'T come remotely close to the number: 10!
Clean up whatever financial obligations the 2 of you have, get yourselves a pair of lawyers who can handle the legal work as simply (and inexpensively) as possible and after that...MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR LIFE---AS A SINGLE!
Pianoguy
i agree with PG's assessment of your 'list'. in fact - even though i think that some things could possibly (maybe) be addressed in therapy, as soon as physical abuse enters the marriage - it must be stopped IMMEDIATELY. either by your husband getting imeediate help for his problem or by the marriage ending. this is a red line and cannot be crossed.
so what is stopping you from getting divorced?
Thanks so much to everyone for your replies.
What's stopping me? The fear that I'm being too hasty, too critical, too narrow-minded or that divorce would mean giving up a one-in-a-million guy. Every feel like that? I'm one of those people who will stay in something too long for fear that leaving it is the "wrong" thing to do, whatever that means. And I'm also prone to be a glass-half-empty kind of person, always wanting more. This is why I'm left asking the question, how do you know when it's time?
But now we're at a point in our lives where we're at a perfect crossroads. As I may have mentioned, we just completed a major cross-country move. Our careers are taking off and starting fresh. Life begins anew either way, so it all comes down to whether that should be done together or apart. I'm sure divorce is never easy, but it will never be easier than it is right now.
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
if you don't mind my being a little blunt? i think that what's stopping you is not yhour <<>> i think that you probably tend to stay in unhealthy situations because its easier to do that, then to face the consequences of being honest.
I know. i have walked in your shoes for many years of my life. i also stayed in a very unhealthy marriage (twice, actually...) for too many years. i thought that i could 'fix it'. i thought that i just had to stick it out. i was afraid of the 'outside' - who would want me? could i make it on my own?
and it wasn't just in marriage - it was bad jobs, friends who took advantage of me (or shall i rephrase that: friends whom i allowed to take advantage of me). i was afraid to say what i felt, and i was always hurt - i always tried to smooth things over so that it would stay 'ok'. i let my resentment pile up inside until... i got really sick. and that is when i took charge of MY life. and you can do the same (without getting sick!!) you can take the steps that you need to take in order to take control of your life.
your husband is not a nice guy, he doesn't love you, he is physically abusive to you - this is a no-brainer honey.
hugs....
When both parties have an obvious dislike for one another, I'd say it is time to move on (aside from the physical abuse being reason alone to leave). Reading your post reminded me of feelings I had toward my ex for the last few years of our marriage. Honestly, I had feelings of SEVERE dislike. Just looking at him would make me angry and upset! Hard as I tried, all I could see was a selfish, controlling, mean, emotionally absent, neglectful man.
Have you attended counseling with him at all? I realize that some marriages can not be saved, but counseling can also help both of you split emotionally, as well as physically.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange...
RUN RUN as fast as you CAN!
This guy will NOT improve. It would be better for you to be alone. Trust us.