How do you know when it's time to go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
How do you know when it's time to go?
45
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:28am
I'm hoping someone out there can help me. I have been married for 11 1/2 years, have two kids and have had 2 affairs. One with a man that I am in love with. He has decided to stay with his wife and 3 kids. I have been in counseling for several months and have all but decided that my marriage is over - I mean 2 affairs tell you that, right? I am just not sure how to get the divorce process started. My husband wants to stay together, but I know I just do not want to make it work anymore. I am not happy at home and I am easily irritated by almost everything he does. I need some advice on how to begin the process of moving on without doing irrepairable harm to my kids. I am scared that I will be more miserable once I'm alone. I also really miss the man that I love and am afraid that I will never find that again. How do you know when it's time to go?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:43am

momstimetogo...

This is going to sound a little odd, but PG thinks IT WAS TIME TO GO after YOU started having an affair with somebody else! In your case, you had one affair too many!

Why your husband would still want you around...since you're capable of cheating on him a 3rd or 4th time...puzzles the heck out of me?

You pretty much answered your own question with: "I just do not want to make it work anymore!"

This means your kids are probably going to be "caught in the middle!" They're also going to be used as bargaining chips when it comes to what YOU want...and what YOUR HUSBAND agrees to...in the way of a divorce settlement!

I'd say your first 'mission' is to find yourself a very smart lawyer who can successfully negotiate a settlement in spite of your marital infidelity!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:58am
Ouch. Thanks - I take full responsibility for what I have done. Not sure I appreciate your quick rush to judgment about me, though. You sound so bitter. Thanks anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:18pm
Wow, pianoguy, you were a little harsh.
As for poster (momstimetogo), I commend you for realizing that it is, in fact, time for you to move on. I think it's very hard to end a marriage, especially when there are kids involved, and even when you have cheated. I empathize with you.
You do need legal advice and hopefully you and you STBX can take your children into consideration and ends things amicably. They should not be used as pawns in your decisions.
The man you say you love is a whole different story. Don't know how to advice you there. Just deal with ending your marriage first and after some self reflection you may realize that it was just an affair to make you see how unhappy you were in your current situation. I'm sure you will find love again with someone who is available. You deserve a relationship that is not built on secrets and lies.
Good luck to you and keep posting. This board is a good source of support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:08pm

Hi there!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:17pm

LOL!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:42pm

nice attachment. :)

sometimes when reading a post, the tone is lost. i didn't pick up anything harsh from the PG response, but i am not the one to whom he responded.

however, even "bitter" advice, is advice. it often gives, in this case, the husband's perspective, which is good to keep in mind when initiating a divorce. i am in the middle of this now, and trying to keep my husband's point of view to help me not read into his reactions to things is a useful tool in making good decisions, doing what's best for the children, and preventing INSANITY. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:53pm

If you are serious about not harming your kids, you need to make them priority one, and your love life priority two. Do not kick their Dad out, they dont want that. Stick together for the 10-15 years till the kids are up and out. Then you can decide if you want to leave. In the meantime, be nice to your husband, he will be a lot nicer to you.

It is a mistake to put your feelings ahead of the needs of your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:08pm

Wow, this website sure gets a lot of traffic. I had no idea I would get so many responses.

I thought of staying together for the kids. My counselor advises against that. Her reasoning is that they will grow up and be more upset about us living a lie - doesn't set a good example of what healthy adult relationships look like. The whole reason that I am struggling is because of the kids - they do not deserve to have to choose between parents and I would never ask that of them, however, if it can end amicably isn't that better than living a lie? Is there such a thing as a good divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:37pm

Would it be asking too much to know why you have such strong distain for your DH?

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:45pm

I definitely don't agree with staying together "for the kids."


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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