How do you know when you're done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
How do you know when you're done?
5
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:04am
I have been married to my husband for 6.5 years. We have two children together. From day one he has been verbally abusive and an alcoholic...I was smart!! Anyway, we've been together for a total of 9 years and I've just had it. I told him 2 weeks ago that I wanted to separate. He didn't take kindly to it at first but apparently had done some thinking. He agreed to move out, help me financially, etc...said all of the right things. I immediately felt like I was making a mistake. I've gone back & forth with my decision. NOT because I'm sure that I want to continue to be with him, but because I don't really know life any other way. I was 17 when we met. Married at 20, had kids at 22. I guess I just don't really know what I want. I feel like I've given 9 years away and have gotten nothing in return. Has anyone else struggled with the decision of divorce? How did you know you were doing the right thing? My biggest fear is that he will go and I will have a change of heart. I'm so confused right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 2:06pm

I am finally starting to see that people don't change unless they want to. I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 8 years (3kids). He is a Jekyll-and-Hyde going back and forth from being a great guy to being a completely verbally abusive monster. We separated 11 months ago and just finally filed for divorce. He keeps saying he wants to work on things, but as soon as things don't go his way or I confront him about something, he goes back to being a maniac. They just don't change. Don't wait as long as I did. I have done nothing but give him chances since he left, and he is not doing his part to make things work.

These guys just don't get it- they can't only be husbands and fathers when they feel like it. It takes a lot of hard work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 4:29pm

I have a friend who's very grounded who told me when she decided to divorce that she doesn't consider the time together wasted - it's just healthier now to move on. I'm on the fence, too, mostly over it, b/c of the kids, but on another board a couple months ago quite a few single moms said it's better to leave when the kids are younger as opposed to older.

H's influence on my son (as the role model for how he'll treat women, etc.), even more than my daughters, is one reason for me to separate. I also believe we'll parent more effectively from separate houses. (That said, we'll now be co-parenting from separate countries for the next couple years, so will see how that goes.)

I know it took me several months to come to the conclusion that we're done, but after that things were clearer and easier. Doing a list of positives/negatives was helpful for me. Anyway, we've been living in the same house for months due to finances, but mentally divorcing him made me more tolerant and cohabiting more bearable until things got sorted out.

No easy answers, but one day it'll be clear to you. Trust your instincts either way.

Good luck.
Karen - mom to Gustavus (7), Gabriela (5), and Gilmara and Gisela (2)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 7:59pm

I feel your pain. My husband and I are in the process of separating. I told him 2 1/2 weeks ago that I wanted to end the marriage. He is verbally abusive, critical, drinks too much, smokes pot, and I am happier when he is not around. We have been in counseling for 3 years and nothing has changed. He has flipped out. He goes from being irate, to sad to accepting things... His new thing is that I am crazy, because a "normal" person wouldn't do this, I am "sick" and need to get help. I know he is just grasping at straws and trying to make himself feel better, but I KNOW I will regret it if I don't do this. It is SO flippin' hard right now, but I have to feel confident that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The way I knew it was time was at my 10-year college reunion without him, I was the happiest I have been in a long time, and all of my friends were reminding me that I deserve to be happy and our children deserve to have a happy mother. I have a long road ahead of me, I just need to remain strong and that's the hardest part.

Good luck,
MC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:11pm

Hi Twinzmom80,

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. I don't think there's always an easy answer to knowing when you're done. There is support out there though that may be able to help you figure that out though.

I know first hand what it's like to be in a relationship with verbal abuse and alcohol abuse. No one should be abused. If you both haven't tried counseling, I highly recommend that. If he won't go, go by yourself. You are dealing with a great deal of emotional stuff.

Also, Al-anon (12 step) meetings can be very helpful for anyone whose drinking is affecting your life. It can help make things a little less confusing, help you to not enable the problem, help you take care of yourself, build your self-confidence..., and it can also help you avoid falling into another unhealthy relationship, if you decide to leave - which can happen much much easier than anyone thinks it can. I'm speaking from experience with that too.

You may be to the point of not even wanting to go to counseling together, even if he will go, but it sounds like you're not 100% sure and you're worried about having regrets if you leave, so at least if you have tried counseling yourself, and/or Al-anon, or whatever kind of support you can get, you'll know you tried and won't have anything to later regret. Relationship problems can be very life-draining, and divorce is a huge life changing event, but you don't have to go through any of it alone.

There's lots of support "here" too of course.
Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 6:28am
I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I also went through the same thing with my husband. He was a raging alcoholic. After 2 years of constant binging, he finally went for help. He was also diagnosed with depression. He has been sober for 7 years, although now has decided he wants to leave me. After going to a few sessions of marriage counseling, the counselor told me that she believes he is not only depressed, but bi-polar, and that he was self-medicating while drinking. Alcoholism is a devastating to families. I agree with previous posters to go to counseling and also ala-non. It really helps, and people know exactly what you are going through. Good luck.