How do you let go?
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| Thu, 02-15-2007 - 2:38am |
I'm new to this, but really need somewhere to vent and get advice. I'm starting the process of divorce to the guy that I never ever thought could hurt me. He was the guy that everyone loved and we were the couple that everyone thought would last forever. We've been together 12 years, married 9 and we have the most amazing 21 month old.
He's been living with a friend for over 2 months and I've now asked to move forward with a divorce. My problem is waking up everyday and finding the strength to just....let him go.
He told me 3 months ago that he was having uncertainities about where he was going and what he was doing and thought that he should be single at this point in his life. He said he's never been miserable or unhappy, just unsure for a few months....oh, and he'd met someone, but they weren't sleeping together. They just had a connection and had become close. She lives on the other side of the country, she's older and has an 11 year old daughter. He started traveling frequently to the same place a few months ago, and she happened to be on the same project for a different company and travels at the same time.
He asked me to stay strong and stand by him and we'd get through this. During this entire time, that I was standing strong, they were still in touch and she even flew out here and they stayed in a hotel for a few days, and apparently took the relationship to the next level. He is a complete contradition. He sobs to me about how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he can't imagine his life without me, but he still stays in contact with her. He claims he doesn't know what will happen with that relationship, but he's never been willing to let it go and still feels like he needs his single freedom. I asked him to move forward with the divorce and he cries and says he's not ready to go down that road, but I can't sit around and wait for him to finish this fling and then decide he's made a horrible mistake. I'm too strong of a person. We've made a great life for ourselves, have a beautiful daughter, a new business, and many wonderful friends and family and I can't believe he's walking away from this.
I'm still in shock... I want to move on, but his words in his emotions make it very hard. If he's continuing with this "person," why can't he just let me go. I've finally been able to get onto paper with him some ideas about asset division, but that's as far as we've gotten. He's on a business trip, probably having a nice Valentine's dinner with his girlfriend. How do you do this...how do you let go of your husband, your best friend. How long does this pain go on.. Please tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You will get lots of welcome and wisdom here.
I am only at the front-end of the experience, so I don't have all that much experience.
Here are a few thoughts:
1. Get yourself into individual counseling if you are not already and talk it all through with someone; your feelings now; your impressions of him; the facts as you know them; and the consequences for you and your dd if you stick it out or end it (both scenarios).
2. Request he join you in couples counseling.
3. See a lawyer.
4. Build your financial and support safety net; get documents together
5. And then think long and hard. Three months is awfully quick to decide to let go of 9 years of marriage and family for your young child. In the end, ending the marriage may be the right decision for you and your dd (never mind your spouse), but make sure you have really thought/talked it through.
Ok, so that's the outline. My personal perspective, having read lots of posts here, is that when one spouse gets into this mode (affair or just needing to "find themselves" etc. it is very hard to reason with them or expect them to be what I would describe as rational. They sound rational, but what they are actually doing/saying seems bizarre. That has been my experience with my stbx. There is no waffling in our case; he is done, but he is ... well, to me anyway, bizarre. It is really hard to deal with.
Still, I am doing all of the above and more because, in my case, divorce is coming and I want to do it the best way I can to take care of me and my kids at every level.
GL and welcome!
M
Thanks so much for the advice. I have done a lot of what you've mentioned already. I've been going to a counselor once a week and that always makes me feel better. We went one time together, but he's never requested to go back. He's gone to a different counselor on his own a few times, but he recently told me that he's not going anymore. He feels that everyone is asking him to make life altering decisions right this instant, and he can't do that. He's only been told that he needs to cut it off with the OW and focus on going down the path to see if our marriage is even salvagable. He says he's not ready to try, yet. He feel like he's already hurt me too much, doesn't want to see me hurt anymore, doesn't feel exactly the same as he used to and should be single right now. But, he's not being single, he's moving into a whole new relationship with more obligations. So, I think the "being single" explanation is justification for himself.... I think he is really leaving for her, even though he continues to fight me on this.
I've also gotten financial documents in order and contacted a mediator and an attorney. Him and I have sat down together to work out support and division of assets, but he is in finance for a living, so I think that this is the one area that he feels like he can wrap his brain around and understand.
This does seem like it's happening so quick. He says the process can take as long as I want it to. I'm not sure what that means. It just seems like, right now, he wants to have his cake and eat it too....doesn't want to divorce me (he can't even say the word), but still wants to have his fling...see where that goes and have alot of fun time to hang out with friends. It's like a mid-life crisis at 35. Plus, he's perfectly fine with only seeing our daughter 9 days a month. How can you do that? I could never handle that much time away from her. I just can't hang on the fence and let him keep doing this to me. I believe he made the decision for the both of us, when he took this road and then has shown no action to correct anything. He is very nice to me and overly accommodating, but doesn't want "us" back. He's a mess.....I can't understand him at all....who is this guy? Plus all of our friends and family know now, and I appreciate the support, but the endless phone calls wanting me to re-hash it over and over again are killing me..
I don't want to ever constantly be wondering where he is, who he's with, who's calling him/text messaging him (I would like to punch the guy who created text-messaging). I just can't live that way, but I also can't just wake up one day and not still love my husband.
Still a mess... but making it day by day.... thanks for the support. Hope you have a good day.
Hi Anna
Have you ever been to the Betrayed Spouse site? They might be able to give you more insight into the mind of a man in the middle of an affair if you still want to make it work. It's called the affair fog. I know because my husband had an affair for years and when I had given birth to our planned second baby his gf rang and told me. My H firstly begged me not to throw him out, then 2 months later I discovered he was still telling his OW he would leave me after the Christening, then he begged me again after he'd spent a day with her, then I found out he'd was still telling her he'd go to her after Xmas, he had a secret phone just for her etc, this went on for nearly 9 months after the first time I found out. It is a terrible rollercoaster you are riding and unfortunately until your H works out what he wants to do which is unlikely while he is still seeing the OW you probably won't have much control over any of it.
Finally, my H seemed to have a lightbulb moment about 8 months after my original d-day and we went on to try and rebuild. Unfortunatley, there was too much damage done and my H still went on to contact OW after we'd sold and even bought a new house and after 3 years of rebuilding we are calling it quits - he still doesn't want to - he still thinks he made "one" mistake - not years of hundreds of mistakes and that's been most of our problem.
I don't really know what to suggest. I just know as long as OW is still in the picture there is no chance. The only thing that worked for me was ultimatums and separations to make him realise what he was missing, but try the Betrayed Spouse site - it got me through some very bad times.
Good luck
Hi,
Thanks for your advice on the website. I checked it out and it was helpful. I've tried the ultimatums, but he's just too confused to make finite decisions on anything. I have to move on. This limbo is way too painful for me. He's off with her right now on his usual "business trip" and then at Mardi Gras with his friends for 4 nights. You can see where his priorities are, and I'm in a whole different place mentally. I'm working on being a great Mom and getting my business to the point where it's successful and can support her and me. I have no expectations of him at this point and hate the fact that I'll have to depend on him for anything. I want to walk away and not look back. He's trying to be friends through all this. I don't want to make things difficult or be hateful, I just want him to realize that my interactions with him from this point on will be completely obligatory, no small talk.....we are not friends.
How do I get him to see this! He's not getting it. I need him to go away, so I can start getting over him and move on.
Thanks for the advice. Hope you're doing well....stay strong.