How do you move on?
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| Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:41pm |
She cheated on me with my best friend. Not a one night stand or a quick roll in the hay based off of too much booze. She conducted a year long affair (and still going) with my best friend (although I guess calling him my best friend would be a little ridiculous). I tried to work it out but the bottom line was she wanted out - so I left.
We filed for divorce and it's in progress. Why can't I let the relationship go (other than the 18 years and 3 young kids part)? Why do I obsess with the why questions? Why did she want me to leave? Does she think she'll be the belle of the ball as a 36 year old mother of 3? Does she think her life will be better without me (obviously since she drove me out)? Is she planning on marrying him? Is she planning on moving in with him? Is that the point I pack up and move to NYC and live in the Village? Why aren't these frickin' drugs the doctor gave me making this any better?
I refuse to check up on her. I refuse to spy on her or question the kids about her life. Will the why questions ever die? Or, will I be plagued with them for the rest of my life?
Maybe these questions will never be answered, but I'd like to think they have an expiration date of some kind. Anyone have any experience or advice?
I'm dying here...

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hi and hugs.
you are obviously and understandably in a lot of pain. this is not something that is just going to go away, disappear. you have a lot to deal with - your wife cheated and kicked you out. your best friend cheated on you with your wife. that is a double betrayal. i understand that you are on some kind medication - but i was wonderinf if you have been to therapy (on your own)? it could really help you to work thru the issues that you raised here.
don't worry about obssessing with the questions - this is a normal process, we all went thru/are going thru the same thing. it takes time, it takes therapy, and it takes making a very difficult (but worthwhile) choice to LIVE.
post here as often as you need - hopefully we will be able to help you thru this.
moving_on_in_life...
First...Pianoguy can COMPLETELY RELATE TO YOUR SITUATION. Except in PG's case, the NOW 2ND EX was having an affair after less than 1 year of marriage!
Rather than ask questions about why your "almost EX" behaved the way she did or whether she'll end up with someone else, why not be a little selfish and ask yourself WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR FUTURE?
A new girlfriend? Another wife? A long period of solitude? The possibilities are endless. Unfortunately...the meds your doctor prescribed aren't gonna help you...aside from 'numbing up your head!'
But perhaps this REALITY CHECK will?
YOU DIDN'T SCREW UP YOUR 18-YEAR MARRIAGE....SHE DID!
And if she could easily 'play with your head'---you can bet she'll repeat the process with somebody else in the future!
Don't spend your life pining over a woman who just wants to "sleep around and use men for whatever she wants?"
There are considerably better women who would like to have a SOLID MARRIAGE to someone like you. And it wouldn't surprise me if one of them is reading this post right now?
It'll take awhile, but you WILL get past this! GOOD LUCK!
Pianoguy
I can understand your situation. Mine is quite similar, although we have only been married 4 years. My husband started dating a girl from work when our baby was only a month old and I found out 9 months later. He is still seeing her, I think. He has filed for divorce and our marriage is pretty much over. The only thing that has helped me is counseling. You need to find someone to talk to and help you sort these things out in your mind and it will get better, have faith!
I am so sorry for your pain. I know how you must feel. My husband left me after 16 years of marriage with 3 kids. It been 10 months now. You have to stay strong. I know its hard all these different emotions you must be feeling, makes you crazy. Just relize that you deserve a better women than that. Let her be, anyways why would you even want her back, you will never trust her again.
Just stay focus, don't go all crazy. Keep yourself busy. If you need to let things out
just come post, it always helps to let your emotions out. You can always vent on my space. Were here for you.
Marie
So far I still have questions. I will probably alway have them. It is getting easier to deal with the lack of answers though.
I wish you the best. Come back and talk to us some more. There are some wonderful people here with great advice.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
I'm so sorry for your pain. I was the initiator of our divorce, due to several things I felt he had done and I couldn't continue our relationship any longer. But, I still felt a huge need for closure and to talk things out with him. You have so many questions only she and he can answer. How much have you talked about what happened with her and your best friend? Is it possible to talk with them if you haven't yet just for closure?
I still didn't necessarily get answers that were very enlightening, but it did help me to move on.
Have some serious anger issues with him even though I think he was just a pawn in the game she was playing. But, I tend to focus my anger on someone whom it's ok to hate (and that wouldn't be the mother of my children). I saw him on the freeway one day chatting to someone on the phone. It took a serious act of will not to go into serious case of road rage on his butt.
I don't think I'm going to get a lot of closure on this one. She had the audacity to say "this divorce isn't all my fault" or something like that. Ok, I'll take the rap for letting a situation develop that was "ripe" for an affair (although I think that's a bs argument that should be reserved for the MAS board ). But, her refusal to end the affair to save our marriage (and keep out family together) rests solely on her. I would have stayed. I would have forgiven her. Anyway, I called her on it and asked her what options she'd left me. My options sucked: Live as a cuckhold or leave. After I left I found out some more stuff that just re-inforced the fact that I made the right decision in leaving.
My stbx (of 19 years, 3 children, the youngest is 4) cheated with a family friend. My sons thought of her as an aunt. I also have a million questions and, like you, refuse to ask questions. It's been 4 months and the pain is lessening. I'm seeing more everyday that I'm lucky to be out. I deserve better than a spouse that would lie and cheat on me. He isn't the moral, upstanding, Christian guy that I married almost 20 years ago. He's a lying, cheating louse that will eventually get what he deserves. The pain lessens and it does become easier to not have all the answers. I know he vacationed with her, I know he brought her into my home (along with her children) and that's enough for me to know.
Time helps.
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