How do you move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
How do you move on?
11
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:41pm

She cheated on me with my best friend. Not a one night stand or a quick roll in the hay based off of too much booze. She conducted a year long affair (and still going) with my best friend (although I guess calling him my best friend would be a little ridiculous). I tried to work it out but the bottom line was she wanted out - so I left.

We filed for divorce and it's in progress. Why can't I let the relationship go (other than the 18 years and 3 young kids part)? Why do I obsess with the why questions? Why did she want me to leave? Does she think she'll be the belle of the ball as a 36 year old mother of 3? Does she think her life will be better without me (obviously since she drove me out)? Is she planning on marrying him? Is she planning on moving in with him? Is that the point I pack up and move to NYC and live in the Village? Why aren't these frickin' drugs the doctor gave me making this any better?

I refuse to check up on her. I refuse to spy on her or question the kids about her life. Will the why questions ever die? Or, will I be plagued with them for the rest of my life?

Maybe these questions will never be answered, but I'd like to think they have an expiration date of some kind. Anyone have any experience or advice?

I'm dying here...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:11am

hi and hugs.

you are obviously and understandably in a lot of pain. this is not something that is just going to go away, disappear. you have a lot to deal with - your wife cheated and kicked you out. your best friend cheated on you with your wife. that is a double betrayal. i understand that you are on some kind medication - but i was wonderinf if you have been to therapy (on your own)? it could really help you to work thru the issues that you raised here.

don't worry about obssessing with the questions - this is a normal process, we all went thru/are going thru the same thing. it takes time, it takes therapy, and it takes making a very difficult (but worthwhile) choice to LIVE.

post here as often as you need - hopefully we will be able to help you thru this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 1:05pm

moving_on_in_life...

First...Pianoguy can COMPLETELY RELATE TO YOUR SITUATION. Except in PG's case, the NOW 2ND EX was having an affair after less than 1 year of marriage!

Rather than ask questions about why your "almost EX" behaved the way she did or whether she'll end up with someone else, why not be a little selfish and ask yourself WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR FUTURE?

A new girlfriend? Another wife? A long period of solitude? The possibilities are endless. Unfortunately...the meds your doctor prescribed aren't gonna help you...aside from 'numbing up your head!'

But perhaps this REALITY CHECK will?

YOU DIDN'T SCREW UP YOUR 18-YEAR MARRIAGE....SHE DID!

And if she could easily 'play with your head'---you can bet she'll repeat the process with somebody else in the future!

Don't spend your life pining over a woman who just wants to "sleep around and use men for whatever she wants?"

There are considerably better women who would like to have a SOLID MARRIAGE to someone like you. And it wouldn't surprise me if one of them is reading this post right now?

It'll take awhile, but you WILL get past this! GOOD LUCK!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 1:53pm
Hi,
I can understand your situation. Mine is quite similar, although we have only been married 4 years. My husband started dating a girl from work when our baby was only a month old and I found out 9 months later. He is still seeing her, I think. He has filed for divorce and our marriage is pretty much over. The only thing that has helped me is counseling. You need to find someone to talk to and help you sort these things out in your mind and it will get better, have faith!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 2:50pm


I am so sorry for your pain. I know how you must feel. My husband left me after 16 years of marriage with 3 kids. It been 10 months now. You have to stay strong. I know its hard all these different emotions you must be feeling, makes you crazy. Just relize that you deserve a better women than that. Let her be, anyways why would you even want her back, you will never trust her again.

Just stay focus, don't go all crazy. Keep yourself busy. If you need to let things out
just come post, it always helps to let your emotions out. You can always vent on my space. Were here for you.

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 10:48am
I am experiencing the same feelings as you. I can't tell you how to move on because I haven't yet. My husband of 15years left me 5-4-05. We had been together 20years. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and was to be my forever companion. I don't truely know what made me so unlovable to him. He tells me he loved me once, but can't truely tell me what happened to make him leave me for another woman. He and the OW have since departed from one another and he is dating. I become insanely jealous when I know he is out with another. He is going this weekend to meet a woman he met off Eharmony. I am just sick. I even called him and beggged him not to go and to come home to us. As a 38yo woman of two children I don't find myself being the belle of the ball. I have been totally alone for the last year and a half. No one has called, not even one date. My divorce has been finaled since Aug. 2005. I told my ex a couple of times while we where married that life would be easier without him. I was wrong, it's not. I love him. I miss him and it is tearing our children apart. As far as our lives go, we need to wait for God's plan. Now is the time to take care of you. Do what you need to do for you, even if that involves moving to NYC. As far as the drug go, I understand that too. I am taking 3 different meds for depression. It takes about 6-8 weeks for them to really get up and going. If after that time they still don't seem to be working you may need to have your DR. increase the dose or change the med all together. I have tried many different ones. How are you sleeping at night? Lack of sleep makes depression worse. I take a sleeping pill to help me. It probably helps more than the ADs. I also do therapy twice a month. If you aren't you may want to look into some counseling. It is nice just to have someone to talk it out with. Divorce is very hard on your self-esteem.
So far I still have questions. I will probably alway have them. It is getting easier to deal with the lack of answers though.
I wish you the best. Come back and talk to us some more. There are some wonderful people here with great advice.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 5:17pm

I'm so sorry for your pain. I was the initiator of our divorce, due to several things I felt he had done and I couldn't continue our relationship any longer. But, I still felt a huge need for closure and to talk things out with him. You have so many questions only she and he can answer. How much have you talked about what happened with her and your best friend? Is it possible to talk with them if you haven't yet just for closure?

I still didn't necessarily get answers that were very enlightening, but it did help me to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 8:07pm

Have some serious anger issues with him even though I think he was just a pawn in the game she was playing. But, I tend to focus my anger on someone whom it's ok to hate (and that wouldn't be the mother of my children). I saw him on the freeway one day chatting to someone on the phone. It took a serious act of will not to go into serious case of road rage on his butt.

I don't think I'm going to get a lot of closure on this one. She had the audacity to say "this divorce isn't all my fault" or something like that. Ok, I'll take the rap for letting a situation develop that was "ripe" for an affair (although I think that's a bs argument that should be reserved for the MAS board ). But, her refusal to end the affair to save our marriage (and keep out family together) rests solely on her. I would have stayed. I would have forgiven her. Anyway, I called her on it and asked her what options she'd left me. My options sucked: Live as a cuckhold or leave. After I left I found out some more stuff that just re-inforced the fact that I made the right decision in leaving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 2:50pm
I can relate totaly to your situation. Although mine is a he cheated sort of thing and it was not my best friend by my half sister (half was not mentioned between us until she started screwing my husband) she herself has 3 kids and is 36 and they just had a 4th together he is only 23 or 24 (i try to forget)I dont think you can forget everyone tells you it takes time HOW MUCH
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 10:29pm

My stbx (of 19 years, 3 children, the youngest is 4) cheated with a family friend. My sons thought of her as an aunt. I also have a million questions and, like you, refuse to ask questions. It's been 4 months and the pain is lessening. I'm seeing more everyday that I'm lucky to be out. I deserve better than a spouse that would lie and cheat on me. He isn't the moral, upstanding, Christian guy that I married almost 20 years ago. He's a lying, cheating louse that will eventually get what he deserves. The pain lessens and it does become easier to not have all the answers. I know he vacationed with her, I know he brought her into my home (along with her children) and that's enough for me to know.


Time helps.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 10:41pm
I have to say I really respect you!!!!!!!!!! Not using your children as a pawn Bravo!!! You are deserve better you have proven that you are a better person. I am new at this too. My x was kicked me after he had our house repossed and took all the money then claimed bancruptcy .BTW I was married for 21 years and raised 2 children. I am trying to get past the anger too. Sorry.

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