How Do You REALLY Let Go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
How Do You REALLY Let Go?
10
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 3:31pm

I've been divorced for 2 years now. I have had relationships since my D. I am in a beautiful one now with a loving man that could possibly lead to a 2nd M and maybe even children for the first time.



-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 5:17pm

Loves,


Hi.


I remember feeling like you did. I was also heart broken over what I

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 5:51pm

Wisdom,


Thank you thank you thank you so much for your words.


I do have a therapist and have been seeing her for a couple years now. The letting go stuff is something that has surfaced only in the last year. The first year out I didn't have this stuff. I will work on exploring it more with her now.


I am wondering if part of my remorse is that I am embarking on a hopeful new R and I feel so guilty for leaving my M. Like maybe I don't deserve to be happy and have the love I wanted and couldn't have with my ex.


Also, NO ONE is perfect, and I think that if there is any little thing that disapoints me about my current BF, I immediately go back tot he memory of my ex because the HISTORY left such a strong mark on me. He was my family. There are things about my BF that are better than my ex and things about my ex that are better than my BF. But in the end of the day my M is OVER and it serves no purpose to compare.


I think that the scary thing about beginning a new R is that there is no history and years of emotional trust built up. You jsut have to have faith that it is solid and can be built upon. I miss having that solid base of years of love and trust where you know you can just count on the person. That feeling wher eyou know over the years you two really WENT through stuff together that is only yours. I don't have that yet with my new BF. Only time will offer that. And that is the thing I miss that makes me cry over my ex.


I guess i have more to explore. I mean I could NEVER really go back to my ex because we are too different and couldn't really be happy and enjoy growing old together. I know and rememebr I left for VERY VALID reasons.


I think in my mind I just want some kind of closure or blessing or permission to move ahead with my new man. But he ex won't give it so I must let go of my guilt and give it to myself. The qusetion is HOW.


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 9:14pm

Loves,


I think the word we're both looking for here is "reclaim" as in reclaim your good memories and trash the rest. That's it!


That's what my counselor had me do by returning to a place I remembered so fondly (and sadly!) that I associated with my Ex. What she did for me was show me it was still there and it was still part of my memories, but it was also "different" now, i.e. it was in the present w/o my Ex. So, it was easier for me to let go.


You know, when I was grieving my divorce (and it took me about three years to finish grieving) I used to say to people, "There's no public ceremony or ritual for ending a marriage. New marriages have wedding ceremonies, people die and we hold funerals, we honor our war dead with monuments and places where people can grieve. Not so with divorces. I even used to say there should be a "cemetary" for divorced people, i.e. "He lies the marriage of John and Mary Smith, 1985-2003.


So, I think we have to create our own rituals that allow us to let go. It might be gathering up the old love letters, dried flowers, gifts, whatever you gathered from your relationship and giving it away, or burning it, or tossing it out. (My own brother had his own post-divorce cleansing by holding a huge garage sale of all the "stuff" he thought he couldn't let go of from his marriage, i.e. furnitures, dodads, knick knacks, etc. He said it made him feel free of his marriage to see those things go out the driveway with someone else.


Maybe you need to create your own ritual or ceremony to say good bye to your old relationship. Maybe you need to give yourself permission to release your grief by releasing the physical representations of your marriage. I'd urge you to talk it through with your therapist and to tell someone you trust about your plans. (I don't want you to be unsafe nor would I want you to linger over the good bye.)


As always, it's OK to grieve for what we've lost. It's also true your time of grieving is going to be different than anyone else. I do see your time of grief ending though if only because you recognize it is dragging you down and keeping you from moving on. That's a good sign; it means you WANT to let go.


Now work on the best way to represent that release.


P.S. I highly recommend an excellent book called, "Rebuilding: when your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher.


Let us know how you are doing.


Peace and blessings,

CL=Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 10:51pm
I understand somewhat how you feel. My STBX and I are not quite divorced but he has wanted it for a long time and i know he does not want me in his life. I have to wonder if "he does protest to much". It was easier for him to start new with someone else. He did not have to look at any of his problems. As a middle aged man he had someone new to help his ego,etc..... I am not sure how you really let go. We have not talked at all for a few months now. Its almost as if there has to be a wall between us for it to be over. I think I need to go back to therapy. Someone asked me today if had any interest in anyone else or thought about getting remarried. I would have to say no, no and no. I have no concept of" if the right man comes along". I thought I already had that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 11:03am
Hi sweetie...

I think you are more worried about making a mistake and opening yourself up to being hurt again more than anything else! I don't think you miss your ex you just want to have things end on a happier note thinking that will make the future with someone else less scary. I say forget the ex and the past....some things just can't be fixed no matter how hard we try! Forgive yourself
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 12:43pm

Thank you so much ladies. I appreaciate your support.


I think I am looking for


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 2:22pm

Hi Loves_me,


Your post really struck a chord with me. I think your situation is exactly what I'm afraid of as

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 8:41pm
I completely feel you on this one.

With me, I'm 27 and in the first HEALTHY reletionship I've ever been in. It's been almost a year now, and we're talking more seriously about marriage. I'm very excited and happy about the prospect, but I find that it actually scares me now. When I went to the altar with my ex, I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared. I wasn't jittery. I was completely happy and at peace. Some part of that, I believe, has changed for me now. I wonder if it will ever be the same.

Now, I have a much deeper respect of marriage. My ex was the one to walk away. I thought we could work on things but looking back, he was done long ago.

Yet as I contemplate a future with my new man, sometimes thoughts of my ex creep in and I find myself wondering if I want him back? Honestly - there's nothing about him that I miss though. I don't miss his laughter. I don't miss his arms around me. I don't miss his jokes. I DEFINATELY don't miss his lack of respect, inablity to talk, and flirtaous nature.

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 9:08pm

Julie,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:04am

This is excellent advice and insight. Thank you.

Three years ... yes, it takes a long time. My friends and acquantances think I should have "moved on" one woman put it last night by now (he's been out of the house since July; the idea of divorce will be a year old next month). So, no, I have not "moved on." We aren't even divorced yet (have to wait a year in my state).

Oh, geesh. I didn't mean to ramble or hi-jack. Just wanted to thank you for saying it takes time and our culture doesn't seem to recognize the depth of the trauma.

M