How do you stay calm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
How do you stay calm?
11
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 6:10am

I need a chill pill. I panicked when I got a 47 page financial disclosure questionaire from stbx's lawyer because it didn't exclude things like dd#1's clarinet and dd#2's piano. When stbx was leaving from seeing the kids yesterday, I asked him about those items and his reply was "Talk to your lawyer", which left me believing he wants them included in the total of the assets in the household.

So I talked to ddil to see if she could get dss to talk to his father and get him to agree to exclude the girls instruments and their savings bonds. No go. He doesn't want to take sides. Anyway, after a couple of very stressful hours, my lawyer calls and tells me he's LOVE to be in the room if stbx TRIED to lay claim to the girl's things. He's sending me a document to fill out stating what household items should be excluded and why (should have been in the document stbx had sent to me IMO).

This is about the third time that something he's done has just had me in a tizzy because of the way he handled it. I still don't know what his intentions are with regard to these items but his refusal to say "They belong to the kids" bothers me. He's probably just yanking my chains but he knows which ones to yank.

We fought over dd#2's piano. He didn't want to spend that much money on one but this instrument just clicked with her and it's a beautiful. It's something she'll have and enjoy her entire life. I figured you don't scrimp on that kind of purchase when you've found the perfect instrument so I bought it even though it was really a bit much. Ddil thinks his argument will be that dd doesn't need THAT piano. She could make do with a $500 bargain piano. I don't know but I know we had a stressful night last night.

How do you keep from letting your stbx set you off? Mine seems to know right where to hit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 9:35am

I know what you mean about knowing just which buttons to push. I just try really hard not to let him get to me. I used to fall for it everytime and get all frustrated and it would turn into a big argument. I think he gets some sort of sick satisfaction out of making me lose control. Then I read something that really hit me hard - "He who angers you, controls you." Wow! Light bulb moment for me. I refuse to let him control me by forcing me into a confrontation. Now, I just do my best to ignore his button pushing. It's hard and I'm not always successful but I realized that my getting sucked into arguments with him were only hurting me because he didn't care. He just used the arguments as an excuse to refuse to work out important details in our divorce.

I am getting better at controlling my anger towards him. I'm still angry but I can't let it take over my life. I guess it became easier when I just decided that I was going to be happy and strong and live my life the way I wanted to regardless of what he did. I always think of the saying, "living well is the best revenge".

I wouldn't worry too much about your dds' instruments. It sounds like he's just trying to ruffle your feathers. Your attorney knows best. Trust him and try not to worry. My attorney told me very early on that I had to separate the emotions I had felt for STBX from the reality of the situation. He told me to think of STBX from this point forward as "the father of my children" and nothing else. It's not easy but it works.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:18am
DO you still owe money on the instruments? I'm guessing that they were expensive. Maybe he's doing it for financial reasons. He may be trying to stick that on the list of debts that you should be liable for. He may just be doing it so show how "generous" he is to his kids because they have nice things.
When I did mine my lawyer had me walk through each room as if it had been damaged and I was filing an insurance claim. When it came to division of assets most things I listed weren't even an issue. It was only the items in the settlement papers that we negotiated on. He got what he listed and I had a catch all of all other items.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:46am

If its any consolation, you are probably doing the same thing to him, whether its intentionally or not, and whether you realize it or not.

Children do not technically have possessions unless they have been declared emancipated minors (in which case, they would not be eligible for child support). Therefore, their bonds, savings accounts, instruments (as an asset or debt), is part of the marital finances.

Gifts are typically excluded. Any personal possession you owned prior to the marriage are excluded.

Everything else belongs to the marriage.

Is this petty? Yes, its petty. The sad thing here is that stbx is blowing a lot of money in what sounds like some kind of vengence thing. Be careful how you expend your legal dollars -- discussing these kinds of things with your lawyer costs YOU money.

I'd do a half-*ssed job at filling out the financial disclosure information. Usually, no one looks at them beyond the income statement. So accurately fill out the portions that are easy to trace -- like your income, your employer. A lot of people create a lump some value of household stuff, and leave it at that.

When it comes to the instruments, (a) don't forget to indicate if there's a loan on the instrument, and (b) underestimate their value. For example, lets say the piano is free of debt, and that you paid 7000 for it. So if she's had it a year, its probably devalued by at least 50%, and if someone bought it, there would probably be a 500 dollar moving expense. So the 7000 dollar piano has a real worth of less than 3000. (In other words, it does not matter what it cost you, it only matters what someone will buy it for now!).

On the other hand, if stbx wants to claim the piano as his assett, its really worth 7000.

These are all legal games that will delay a final divorce date, and he's trying to bleed your money dry with this nonsense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:33pm
He's definitely trying to bleed me dry. His mother and brother both promised him "blank checks" so he can bankrupt me. They're worth millions. However, the court has already been notified of this and my lawyer says if he starts playing games he'll get 100% of my legal bills too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:48pm

Oh, today was a doozy. He showed up at the school at 8:00 this morning and told dd#2's teacher that he was just checking up on the kids because he's sure I'm "going to crack soon", that "everything is changing as of today" and "I'd bitten off more than I can chew". He told her he'd be back later for the kids. Dd#2 was in tears when he left. He never made it to dd#1's room because the dd#2's teacher called the administration.

The principal called me to warn me so I went and got the kids. They put the school into lock down this afternoon not knowing how he'll respond when he gets there and the kids are not there. I think HE'S cracking NOW.

My lawyer called his lawyer and read her the riot act about how it's not putting the kids best interest first to drag the school into this. That is supposed to be their one safe haven. He just showed up unannounced and told dd's teacher he'd be back later for the kids.

Our court date isn't until May 10th. I can't wait. Right now, there's no official custody order other than the kids live in the marital home. He can't take them to live with him but he can do things like pull them out of school. THe school is on my side but they can only do so much. What if I can't get there next time?

I am so worried he's losing it. He seems to be living in a dream world of how things are going to be in spite of EVERYONE telling him it won't work that way. He's in total denial. Something was wrong before he left but I couldn't place it. I still can't. I don't know if he's had a break down or perhaps our marriage counselor's suggestion is right, he's drank so much he's losing cognitive ability.

Turns out he took a "alcohol screening". He went to see a recovering alcoholic social worker who declared him sober. When my lawyer told his lawyer that is not acceptable testing she said he won't comply to go to the guy we want because she feels he's biased. He's the BEST in the business. If this guy can't prove a drinking problem no one can. I have to meet with him tomorrow and pay him $250 to tear apart the so called alcohol assessment. His testimony will trumpt the now sober social worker.

How do you do an alcohol assessment without interviewing the people who lived with the person? Or other relatives? The only person this guy interviewed was stbxh. I'd say HE's the biased one. He heard one side of the story and did a urine test. Stbx has had four weeks to clean himself up. Of course a current use test came back clean. That's why we want hair folicles and blood samples. They go back farther.

All I can hope is that the judge takes his stalling on the real alcohol assessment for what it is. Pretty much an admission of guilt. If he's so sure he's not an alcoholic then why not take the test that will gain him access to his kids unsupervised?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:59pm

Wow. Thank you. I'm putting that one on my refrigerator, bathroom mirror and anywhere else I stand frequently.

I'm sure this is about control. I think he thought when he married a 19 year old that he could form me the way he wanted but that didn't work. I'm afraid I'm a failed experiment, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 5:36pm
No. We don't carry debt and no he wasn't being generous with the kids. I was and his parents were with him. The clarinet was his when he was a child and was passed to dd#1. The piano I bought, much to his chagrin, for dd#2. He would have bought her the cheapest thing that would do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 8:30pm

>>>in which case, they would not be eligible for child support<<<

This is true only in some states. Your point about children not "owning" anything is the point I was going to make. You beat me to it. :) Children don't even own their underwear. Once the divorce is final, the parent who bought the item is the owner of the item.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 9:17pm
My lawyer says otherwise. He says that these items are considered gifts to the children and the court will recognize that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 4:49am
That's different than my state and/or judges. >sigh< Wouldn't it make everyone's life easier if there was some kind of federal standard on some of these things!

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