How does anyone survive this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
How does anyone survive this?
3
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:06pm
After reading the posts of so many of you, and the wise and heartfelt responses, I am so terrified of what lies ahead for me. I see that even after years have passed for some of you it is still a raw wound that has never healed. I am watching my marriage crumble around me right now. My husband of 31 yrs. dropped the bomb on me that he wanted a divorce when we got back from my sons wedding! I had no idea till early last summer that there was even a problem! He can't give me an answer for why, just that he doesn't love me as deeply as he should...blah,blah,blah...I just can't believe this is happening to me.
We are supposed to go to this Retroviille program for troubled marriages in Jan. but with his attitude I have little hope it will help. We had went to a marriage counselor and that just made things worse. I am still trying and hoping that we can find a way to save our marriage. I love him and this is killing me! We have been together since we were 15 years old (high school sweethearts) married at 21. We have had our ups and downs, like everyone else, but I thought we always loved each other. Seems I was mistaken. How do you ever move on from a situation like this? I feel like my life is over, and he acts like he is inconvienienced by all my emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 7:01am

Hi Deb,


I'm sorry your marriage seems to be coming to an end. Divorce or the prospect of divorce is frightening for everyone.


My initial question is how did marriage counseling make things worse? Is it because issues were laid out that you had previously avoided? It's my experience that the hardest thing to do is look at the problem in the eye and that's painful. I encourage you to go to the marriage restoration program in January. Coming apart doesn't happen overnight and neither does putting it back together. Divorce often appears to be less painful because it allows one or both spouses to avoid discussing the real problems.


Stay with us and let us know how you are doing.


Sincerely,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:08pm

While the counseling session did bring forward isssues that had been avoided or ignored for years, it did nothing to resolve the issues. The counselor was more of a referee that instigated arguments, it seemed. My husband, who is a very closed off person that harbors resentments and buries his feelings, found fighting in this arena much to his liking. He seemed to enjoy having a REF on the sidelines. Untill, that is, she told him that he was severly depressed and need to be treated for depression. He complained that she was making him sound like he was 'THE PROBLEM' with our marriage and that I was innocent of any wrong doing.Of course we both know that wasn't true, no one is ever without fault. But he was looking to blame me for everything and was dumbfounded when she told him that HE was the one with the PROBLEM, since he was the one who wanted out! WHOOO, he didn't like that at all!! I felt that all the counseling did was make us argue more, and pushed us further away from each other. It became a contest of him trying to get her to take his side over me. We called it quits when he declared he was determined go to go forward with the divorce. She counseled him privately one last time. He said she talked to him about the fact that most men that react as he has feel down the road that they have made a huge mistake and regret the divorce. Last week he talked to our parish priest and seemed to get more from him than anyone else. He is willing to go to the Retouville marriage seminar in Jan. now. So I am just praying it will help. Thanks for your reply, sorry about the NOVEL here!!lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:24pm

HUGS to you!

Wow, is what you say all too familiar. I can't write at length because I have to get on the phone to the child pschologist about how to care for our children (4 and 6) during this tragic process, but I wanted to tell you that your h sounds like mine -- gone before we really knew there was a "problem" and the reasons seem shallow (to me) and there seems to be complete disregard for my emotions (they are a nuisance or a dramatization or whatever); apparently I should be all cheerful about this.

My point is that I think I am learning that this can be a pattern, especially for men. The marriage counselor we saw suggested I read a book called Uncoupling -- the few pages I scanned sound like what is going on in my life. I think you might like to get a copy, too. Not to justify his leaving, but to gain insight into what might be going on.

I am SO SO sorry for your heartbreak and loss of love after So long. My loss is different -- this is my children's tragedy -- they are only 4 and 6 and adore their father. That he is purchasing his freedom while they pay the huge lifelong price of destroyed trust, grief, anxiety, financial jeopardy ... for shame.

So, I will be here as will others -- keep checking in and I hope Retrouvaille helps. My h refused to even consider it.

M