How far have you come?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
How far have you come?
29
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 2:34pm

How long have you been divorced/separated and how far have you come since then?

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:51am

Hi Lexi. I have been separated for 6 months from my husband. We were only married for not even 4 months before our separation. However - we were together for 16.5 years before that and have a 9 year old son together. It has been very, very difficult for, well, all of us (myself, son and husband). Me and my husband pretty much did not speak for all of these 6 months and just recently (last Thursday) started talking to each other because he apologized to me for being a 'bit of a bastard all these months'. He and I live in different states now (they border each other but still pretty far away) and just on Saturday got together with our son and had a very good visit. He did a tune-up on my car, bought all the parts and took us out to lunch on Saturday and Sunday (actually, he paid for Saturday and I paid for Sunday). It is by far the best we have gotten along in 6 months.

I do hope to get back together with him some day because I love and miss him very much, but are able to get on with my life without him too. I have proven that by litterally leaving him behind and relocating to another state, got a great new job that I absolutely love, and have the support of my friends and family where I am now. But as crazy as it sounds, I would move back up to be back together with him. If we ever do talk about getting back together, I want us to go to extensive marriage councelling first. That is the only way I would ever consider going back to him. So your question is how far have I come? Still at the beginning. And I think I will be here for a very long time. Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 2:54pm

I've been separated for 7 months and I:



  • Planned and paid for a cruise to Bermuda with my sister. It was my first time out of the country and it was AMAZING.

  • Assembled every last bit of IKEA furniture in this house on my own.

  • Applied for rematriculation to college (just waiting on some financial aid).

  • Have paid absolutely every single bill on time, if not early.

  • Installed a brand-new toilet all by myself!

  • Have gone out with friends several times because I am not chronically exhausted and drained from a miserable marriage (just had to throw that one in there!).

  • I have joined the gym that I wanted.

  • I purchased some pretty, frilly bedding.

  • Started a (GASP!!) savings account.

What else have I noticed during this time....



  • My house also stays clean! No, it doesn’t take me a week of clothing strewn from one end of the house to another to complete three loads of laundry.

  • My room smells like candles and essential oils…not farts!

  • Since I do have a break from parenting now (and I also miss my son when he’s gone), I feel much more refreshed and happy with the time we do spend together.

  • I used to seriously think I had chronic fatigue syndrome. I was always so exhausted. But who wouldn’t be after work, overtime, class, and doing 95% of the childcare, household chores and yard work? I have SO much more energy now.

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 3:35pm

OK, so he moved out (or should I say, I kicked his butt out) last September and here is what I have accomplished:

- Survived his rage in the month leading up to his moving out.
- Kept up a 5-bedroom home while working full time so it was "staged" for selling.
- Was the primary contact for the realtors when it came time to sell - it was listed in Oct. and sold in Jan/Feb.
- Drove me and my kids over a snowy pass to my parents' house (Bend, OR) in Nov. for my birthday.
- Took me and my kids on a small plane to my parents' at Christmas - and came home to a snow storm (Portland, OR).
- Bought a townhome after the joint house sold.
- Paid off my portion of the joint debt.
- Hooked up the stereo/other components/DirecTV to the TV by myself - and it works!
- Bought/programmed a universal remote for the garage door since the original opener was lost before I bought the place.
- Changed out the top part (where the lightbulb goes and where the on/off switch is) of a broken lamp.
- My house STAYS clean and my bills are paid on time!
- Started a wonderful new relationship that is open and honest. And I am no longer afraid to assert myself and talk about my feelings without thinking I'm going to be ignored.
- Oh! Just last weekend changed the shower head in my bathroom and added a little kid one so it's lower in my kids' bathroom!

Wow!!! What a great little exercise to boost the ego!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 3:31am

I wanna play too!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:12am

So, "you leave your kid all the time to go to work"??????


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:42am

I know! I swear to God, he said it ALL the time. He was barely working most of the time, & rarely working the rest of the time .... like bringing home anywhere from nothing, to $100 a week.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:51am
Of course you think "you are SO perfect"..... you ARE! ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:05pm

Okay, I've spent a long time thinking about this one and I think I'm ready now.. ahem...

I've seen that the kids and I can live on very little and still be very happy.

I've Ebayed most of the ex's old crap he left behind and made some really good money on some of it -woo hoo!

I've also changed two toilet seats - that seems to be a theme here.

I've kept my house much much cleaner and have been able to make my bed every day (which I love) because his dead weight body isn't still sleeping in it when I go to work.

I've changed jobs to one I really love with hours that are perfect (most of the time) for a single mom.

I dated someone for a short time and proved to myself I still "have it" and then broke it off when I saw the relationship was nothing more than that.

I met the man of my dreams and I'm moving out of state to be with him :).

I survived my first time having my kids away from me for any length of time and I even enjoyed it.

I've sold my house.

I cleaned my garage and to me that is a huge accomplishment.

I redecorated both my childrens' rooms completely.

I figured out how to install itunes and started to download music

I located a bunch of the ex's porn on the computer and deleted it - YAY FOR ME!

I got a kitten.

I only buy the kind of coffee I like :)

I never worry that I'm going to come back to my home and find his dead body.

I am showing my children what it's like to stand up for yourself.

I've stopped making excuses and helping the ex out so he can look good in other people's eyes - especially his children's.

I'm sure there is more, but I'm done for now ;).

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:09pm

Well, I suppose that if we all have new toilet seats.... then there's no way that anyone can call us "crappy".... LOL!


That is an interesting "theme" to have here though.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:22pm

ROFL! For me it's because my ex had worse aim than my little boy and even though I cleaned as often as I could, dried urine would collect around the caps that cover the bolts that hold the toilet seat on. I couldn't wait to replace mine and WOW what an easy job!

Mel