How figure out my mind and my heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
How figure out my mind and my heart?
Tue, 03-18-2014 - 2:44pm

I haven't been here in years.  And I guess the reasons for returning are similar, sort of.  Let me see if I can summarize.  Three years ago April my husband asked me to leave.  We were not getting along very well, not doing things together, just not in a happy relationship.  Ok him, I didn't see the problem the same way.  Anyway I moved out, we didn't speak at first but then tried getting along then actually did pretty good.  Of course that blew up and he was done.  The I got really ill, and his mind changed about me.   This was not the first time we had had problems, he'd asked me to move out once before but things smoothed over and made some changes but feel back to where we were.

Today-We still live is seperate homes, I stay with him on the weekends with our child (we don't live very close) and try to go stay during the week.  He comes by occassionally and stays with me. My life, work and having a teenager involved in school activities keeps me busy, even though at the end of the day I stop.  He has a seasonal job so when the weather is bad he wants someone to do things with.  Rain or shine I go to work.Our biggest problem is, well I hate to say he has always wanted the barefoot, pregnant, homemaker (not saying that is bad, but not for all people).  I like having success, and doing and being involved outside of the home.  I always did our business books, ran the house , did whatever came up, and he worked .  When our child started school because of the drive to school I found a job to pass the time.  I love it.  I make good money, I am successful and have a terrific staff to work with.  This became a huge problem.  I didn't rainy days off or whim vacations. 

But we have managed with ups and downs to stay together, my friends and family call it dating, for the past three years.  I enjoy the time we have together. There is romance and passion and attraction.  BUT there is still fear of ending up back where we were.  He has decided that I need to make up my mind.  Do I want to be a wife and move back in, or do I want to be a girlfriend-just not his?  So now I am lost, I think.

How do you rationalize the heart to the head?  My head tells me that history repeats itself, that we have never really fixed or addressed the reasons we ended up where we are, that even though he says he's willing to accept some change that I don't know if that is going to be enough.  But my heart is having trouble with how do you not talk to someone everyday that you have talked to everyday for the last 20+ years. With things  being good now, how do you toss that side, maybe it could be better this time?

Basically what if I choose wrong, and how do you not.

Ok help, suggestions, anyone who has been in this position.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-18-2014 - 4:49pm

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you never addressed the problems that caused you to split up--so why would you think that it would work out now if you have never talked about your differences?  And it seems that you have very major differences if you are very career oriented and his approach to work is more casual and he doesn't see the need to go to work every day--and why he would put you down for wanting a career seems to be a deal breaker to me--your child is almost grown so she doesn't need constant care, so what are you supposed to do all day while the child is in school & your DH is working?  Maybe the reason that you get along so well now is that you do live in separate households and don't have to put up with each other every day and still have some autonomy, which would all go out the window if you were constantly together.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-19-2014 - 12:10am

As Musiclover says, you two have never resolved your problems, so you live separately, but nothing has ever changed.  You need to sit down, to discuss the differences, try to find a compromise that you can both live with.........OR, get a divorce lawyer and get on with your lives.  If you think you're doing your child a favor by living this way, you're NOT.  Your child, whether male or female is getting a VERY skewed picture of what a marriage is.  Your friends are right, you two are like "friends with benefits", and that's not an example you want to set for your child, who is old enough to see the hypocracy of your life.  You need to either work it out, or end the marriage and move on with your lives, both of you.  Also, you don't have to be another man's girlfriend.  Some men actually want to be married, and would love a working life.  You have 3 choices.  To live with your husband as a wife is supposed to, or to live apart, and just have sex occasionally.......or be a REAL wife to a man who would appreciate you, and incidentally, not try to RULE you as your husband succeeds in doing......get out, come back, get out again.......don't you have ANY say in the matter?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 11:41am

You have already gotten some great feedback.  Additonally, why is it that your husband is always "calling the shots?"  I think YOU need to decide what YOU need from the marriage, instead of always trying to appease your husband.  I don't think a marriage is every healthy unless BOTH spouses get what they each need out of the relationship.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 03-20-2014 - 11:56pm

  IMO  perhaps this is what you really want.  Not everybody has to want exactly the same things.  Many men are socialized to "want" a woman basically bare foot and house bound.  many women are socialized to supress their talents in deferance to the male.  As you have, found your passion,talent  skills have brought you satisfaction and success.   You are not lost.  You are  having the crisis that come from moving out of the conditioned defination of self into a self actuated being.  Having him on weekends is convient as a lover.  In time you also will reap rewards in retirement.    What other people think is not important.

  I would have my ideal relationship with me in my abode that is mine and the other in their abode , get together when we want.  But not underfoot.  Living with someone is an annoyance for I have things to do that I prefer to do alone.