How to get through?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
How to get through?
5
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 10:11am

Hello. I am new to this divorce thing. My h told me a little over two weeks ago that our M is over. completely out of the blue. broke my heart. Told me a bunch of things about not wanting to be married anymore, not

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 12:12pm

All I can do is say take one day at a time. My husband did pretty much the same thing to me about six months ago. I had known he'd been really unhappy for a while...my husband has suffered from severe bouts of depression throughout our marriage (our 18th anniversary is coming up in January)...but I wasn't expecting him to just up and leave. We have three boys aged 7, 9, and 11, who he has talked to three times in two months. It was like he just switched off all his emotions. He said all sorts of terrible things...he hadn't been in love with me for years, he'd only been waiting for the right time to leave me, he never wanted to have children, he would have had this fantastic, brilliant life but he had to give up everything he ever wanted to be a husband and father and it just wasn't enough to make up for what he had lost, we had nothing in common, the thought of spending the rest of his life with me made him feel like killing himself. Lovely, huh? And you know when I heard all these things? When I would press him to try to explain his decision to me. I don't know how much he meant, but I do know that instead of trying to help me understand what REALLY was behind his decision to leave, he chose instead to say mean, hurtful, cruel things to punish me for asking. I guess I should have just graciously accepted his decision with a brave smile and a big hug, packed his stuff for him, and sent him on his way with my blessing and one last night of great sex. HA!!!

Anyway, as you can probably tell from my post there are a lot of emotions and I think it's going to be quite a while before it all settles down to normal. But I do know that they well, and one day I'll be over him, and I'll have the rest of my life still to live. Just take one day at a time for now, acknowledge you have the right to be sad and scared and angry and hurt, all the while knowing that it won't last forever. Does that help at all?

Hugs,
Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 2:01pm

Thank you so much for your reply. It is amazing how similar our situations sound other than the fact that my husband left a lot sooner. And we never got around to having kids. But now he says he does not want them and kids and me would be holding him back from living the kind of life he says he really wants to live. He has also talked about depression a lot. I guess I will stop trying to get him to explain his decision. I am afraid that all he would do is say the say mean and horrible things that you described.


Thanks again for the support. I am sorry about your situation as well. We both deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 6:18pm
Ughhhh....I know there are women who up and leave also...but it doesn't seem to happen as much when there are children involved (the moms leaving). At what point do these men feel it's alright to feel entitled to a life when they've already made a life, and started a family, with someone they were supposed to love? Arghhhh! Pardon my vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2008
Fri, 08-29-2008 - 5:43pm

I feel your pain; I am in a very similiar situation (see my post today). This happened to me just over 2 weeks ago, and I am a constant state of denial. I am so alone; my husband was my only family (my parents are deceased and I am an only child). We had been married for 7 years.


I am happy to be here for you.....email me anytime..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sat, 08-30-2008 - 11:41am
Thank you for your support. I read your post and I feel your pain too, as you are right - we are in very similar situations. I feel so alone and scared right now too. I can not believe how he / they can just cut off their emotions like a light switch. My h is a teacher working on his masters. He went out of state for six weeks this summer to take grad classes. It was when he got home that he said married life is not for him and he doesn't want kids anymore. How can you just change like that? He thinks he can't get a masters, a PhD and write books if he is married and has a family. But the thing is is it is a choice you make. It is possible to do it all if you really want to. You find a way to make it work. He took the easy way out. The selfish way out. I can not believe how selfish he really is. Only now do is really see that about him. We were together for 6.5 years and I thought we would be together forever. I had no doubts about that when I married him. Suddenly everything you had and hoped to have in the future is just ripped from you. It is so sickening. I am losing weight too. I don't want to cook for one. I walk around my house not knowing what to do with myself. I am trying to stay busy but there is only so much to do. Hang in there and I really hope that your h finds a different place to stay as it will be much harder to deal with all of this if you are still living together. email me anytime too. hugs.