how to handle ex who blows off his kids
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| Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:21am |
I am constantly at odds with my ex about the amount of "time" he gets the kids. He basically complains if he gets more time or if he had to have them for a block of days. Last month he complained because he had them for 4 days because I had to work. He forgot completely that I had the the 6 days prior because it was school vacation. I HAD to work those days in order to get school vacation off and 3 of the days fell on his weekend to have them.
This is his weekend to have the kids again and it's looking like he's not going to show up Friday night. Do I not let them go with him when/if he shows up on Saturday? I'm sick and tired of arguing with him about his time with the kids. He blames my work schedule and says that our daughter's need for after school care is based on my schedule. It is true, she only has to go three days instead of 5 and during school vacation didn't go at all! I hate it because he acts all high and mighty just because he has a sugar momma girlfriend to support him. Like living in her fancy house somehow makes him more than what he is (a deadbeat with a substandard job, no health insurance or retirement).

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I don't have any advice for you but I feel your pain! My STBX is like that: it is all about what is convenient for him. He would also be the type to complain about having 4 consecutive days even tho I just had 6.
We are still hammering out the details of our visitation agreement. I did some research and discovered some sample agreements that allow me to charge him an hourly rate for every hour under 112 per month that he fails to spend with his children. I don't know yet if it will fly...haven't run that buy the lawyer yet.
STBX looked at that and pointed out there was nothing in this to protect me from not having the kids enough. ROTFLOL! I'm willing to bet my life that won't be a problem. He could have the kids for an entire year and still not match the number of days I have done solo in the past 9 years.
Someday soon my kids will spend the night at HIS place for the first time and I will have ice cream for dessert and sleep all by myself for as long as I want. And the second night I will go on a DATE because he has felt free to do so for so long. Can't wait!
Susie
I wish I had some words of advie for you, but I know how you feel. I have an unusual work schedule, too. Although I do work from home, I work 12-hour shifts, and am not available during most of those hours....STBX doesn't seem to understand that I am WORKING at that time.
My STBX has my son most of the weekend, because that's when I have the majority of my works hours. I'm unable to change the shift, because I got this position by agreeing to work these hours in the first place. STBX goes so far as to say he's not our son's babysitter, he doesn't like the schedule, etc. I have our son every day after school to accomodate HIS work schedule...and I don't feel like a sitter...I'm MOM and it's my JOB to be with our son if I am not working and his other parent is!
One tactic you might want to try is telling him fine, you'll hire a nanny. They normally cost about $15.00 an hour. So that'll be X amount a of dollars a week. Ready to split the cost?
Edited 3/8/2006 8:16 am ET by justiceandtruth
"He could have the kids for an entire year and still not match the number of days I have done solo in the past 9 years."
I think my STBX could have our son for TWO years and it still wouldn't match the amount of time I spent with him on my own...lol!
And I love when every once in a blue moon I need to switch days or ask him to pick up a couple extra hours with our son (I agree to do it for him VERY frequently). He tells me that I'm giving up parenting time....etc. Yeah....sure. He's definitely be the expert in that department. I am glad he wants to be dad now, but you can't erase 10 years of neglect in seven months. He's got a bit longer to go to prove himself.
It sounds like it's time for some reverse psychology.... like.... would he really prefer that you not have a job to help support your child?
If he doesn't show on Friday night, but comes Saturday, you can play the "OH, thank you so much for letting me have the kids last night on your time.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I never use the word "we" because that makes him even more angry and sarcastic. The whole thing about this situation that really makes me angry is that I'm NOT asking him to take them extra. I have never asked that and if I have had to switch a weekend due to my work schedule I will take an extra one to make up for it. When I work a weekend it gives me extra time with them during the week and I schedule my vacations for when they have them so that my youngest doesn't need to go to the sitters.
On more than one occassion he's complained because he's had them for 4 days. Thanksgiving break he actually complained about it after I had just had them for 7 days and again during February vacation. I am constantly putting in requests for certain days off to try and keep him off my a$$.
He acts like I'm being a deadbeat parent!!!!! I'm the one sitting in the dentist office and the doctors offices and picking up prescriptions for my son's asthma medications. My weekend plans always get messed up because he pulls his no shows.
I'm just so sick and tired of him keeping score to make sure that he doesn't get more time with the kids then he absolutely has to. He makes me sick. And his GF has the nerve to say that I shouldn't rely on him to "babysit" and that I NEED to hire a sitter. Easy for her to say, she gets child support!
arghhh.... i hate these parents who COMPLAIN when they "HAVE TO" get *their* kids for too much time..... you would think that he would WANT his kids???
i don't have much advice, but i am wondering if you should perhaps rethink the co-parenting schedule, and on the days that YOU have to work, you should hire a baby sitter or put her in day care of something else. in other words - don't count on HIM to share responsibilities. however, of course, he should PAY for the extra baby sitting.
as for him not showing up when he is supposed to ---- there is another way you could attack this (but first, please check with your lawyer to make sure this is ok). so - if he is supposed to show up on friday at 6 PM - you give him a grace period of lets say 1 hour - and after that - you take the kids and go someplace. you are NOT at home when he shows up on sat. morning. it is his responsibility to be there at friday night - then that is when he should be there. i had a friend who did this ONCE and it worked. i never did it with my ex - maybe i should've....
I have actually thought about that, if he doesn't show up then don't send them. I think it would be better than getting angry and making the kids think I don't want them too. He just ticks me off telling people that he does all the care. Anytime I come up with a better solution he'll find something wrong because he basically is PO'ed that I have my dream job at the hospital. I've looked into a home health nursing job which was 45 hours a week with every other weekend "on call" and the pay was $5 an hour less and I would only get reimbursed 18 cents a gallon of gas and with gas prices the way they are I'd be paying to work!
The problem with hiring a sitter besides the after school care one we already have is that I HAVE to be to work by 7 am. We start surgeries at 7:20 so being late is not an option. I've kind of relied on him to drop the kids off to school on his way to work which I don't think is asking too much. I drop them off and pick them up on my days off. He works a "normal" schedule that fits with the sitter's hours of operation. What's the big deal dropping them off and picking them up? They are his kids too.
I guess I'm just sick of compromising and doing extra only to get crapped on. I'm fortunate enough to get vacations every three months and days off during the week. I only work 36 hours a week and get paid for 40.
Well he knows full well that I don't get much free time to myself and he basically says it's tough luck. I mentioned the fact that I take care of their dental stuff and he has no clue about it or when they need prescriptions filled. Then he turns around and says "well I don't have the luxury of extra days off". So which is it? First my schedule sucks and is bad for the kids then he turns around and says it's a luxury. WTF?
My sister just recently moved into town and lives right on the bus route so if I have to pay her money to allow my youngest to bus there before and after school I will and them eliminate him all together.
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