how to help teen deal with divorce..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
how to help teen deal with divorce..
6
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 1:38pm
my 14 year old has been very angry with me ever since I moved out. She blames me for disrupting her life. I am not separating because suddenly "i want my own life", rather it is because I have been putting up with a verbally abusive man all these years. She still thinks I should have stuck it out till HS and it is worse now. The more I try to get papers for support and stuff, the more she is angry. She has refused therapy and not wanting to go after one session saying - you can't make me. Has anyone dealt with teen reaction and blame. I tried to stick it out last 2 years..I have been on this board on/off but things kept getting worse at home with his escalations and temper tantrum. Ah, I wish I was lucky if she were to see it my way..but she sees me as the initiator of problems and blaming me and angry with me. Says she doesn't like living with me either. I have been incredibly patient and tried to keep her life as normal as possible..and involving her in all her usual summer activities. Are things going to get worse? any insight? thanks for any response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 2:10pm

If your teen refuses to go to a counselor, could you talk to her high school counselor and try to get some input there?

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 4:06pm

HS is out for the summer, support groups are there but she is very private and does not like to air the "laundry" outside. Also she does not want to talk to peers or any independent counselor. I have read many books but most say parents need to put united front , things that dont work with controlling spouse. He blames me, she I think internally knows he has issues but says "she can handle him" and what was another 2 years..and she is busy anyway..Does not care that I was living in hell with my health condition deteriorating every month I stayed there. I was looking at my pictures 3 years ago and I aged 10 years. anyway..guess I am internally justifying myself on leaving. I guess I am looking for input from folks who have actually gone through this and do kids come around..I guess they do. I just hope she would stick to counseling so that is all I can push for. I feel counseling brings out the issues and kids would rather not rehash but get to their life..(anyone feel that way?)

Thanks for your reply..I am so glad you are still helping everyone. hope things are well with you and your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 8:58pm

She's throwing a fit because she's not getting her way.

sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 07-16-2011 - 5:13pm

thank you for your reply..good to see you on this board.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-18-2011 - 2:55pm
My two oldest were teens when I got D from their step-dad. Their dad is no longer living.

Well, my quick answer is don't let her guilt you into anything! She doesn't have to understand why you did what you did (as I am sure you have already explained to her why). You are the adult. Period.

If she doesn't want to live with you then she can go live with her dad. Call her on her bluff.

You can't make her go to counseling. My son did the same thing. He went once, but refused to participate in a teen peer group that was offered to him. He had also stopped taking his anti-depressants. There comes a point where you can only do so much.

I would suggest that YOU continue to seek parenting help. Because really, all we can do is change ourself, we can't change our kids or anyone else.

Of course love her and remember she is sick in her own way. We can be tollerant, but that does not mean it is OK to be her floormat.

Hang in there and don't lose who YOU are first and foremost.
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2010
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 9:08am

I haven't been on the boards lately and was wondering how you were doing.