how to help...advice plz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
how to help...advice plz
3
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 5:15pm

let me see how short i can make this...

my best friend and her husband of 3 yrs are splitting up. they have a son who's almost 3 and she is 4mos pg w/their 2nd. he cheated on her, by his own admission (he told her when she told him she was pg...what a guy!). we live in texas.

what am i supposed to do w/her? she has been crying almost non stop since thankgiving when she found out she was pg and he admitted he had been cheating on her since they were married. now he is moving out tomorrow. she asked him to leave. she is a wreck. her self esteem is tied to her relationships w/men. we've been best friends since we were 14 and she's never been single for more than a month or two. she thinks no one will loveher w/two kids, why doesn't he love her, she's afraid to see him w/someone else, has no idea how she will afford to live, etc. (they're broke).

i don't know how to help heal her broken heart, i offered to stay w/her for a little while after he leaves, go pick up her son from him, etc. is there something i should do or say to help her? she has no family support. and is there a good internet resource for divorce info? she will need some help in that dept. does anyone know if she can file for child support w/o filing for divorce? isn't she responsible for the court costs if she files? is there any way to make him pay for it.

that divorce empowerment book looked good, but i know she would burst into tears at the sight of it. she feels like a failure. and she can barely get out of bed. i'm really worried for her.

any advice is appreciated! TIA

tabatha

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Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 11:41pm

It is really sweet of you to want to help your friend through this horrible time in her life. Some things I would recommend you (or in some cases her) do include...

1) It is time to speak with an attorney to find out her rights... she needs to get a temporary child support order going, at the very minimum... as for the court costs, this is something to discuss with the attorney, as there may be ways in your state to make him responsible for costs associated with filing for child support or even divorce...

2) Encourage her to go see her doctor... many of us, myself included, when faced with divorce find ourselves depressed... some of us wind up medicated... this is not a bad thing... a lot of these medications have a negative stigma associated with them, but they shouldn't because they can help a lot...

3) Encourage her to see a counselor to help her work through some of the things she is feeling right now...

Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can say to make things better (but I know you all ready know that)... When I was going through my worst time with the separation and divorce, I was so happy to know that my friends cared... because you start to doubt almost everything... check on her... ask her if there is something you can do... be there to listen when she wants to talk... it may be difficult to hear, but it feels good to have someone to speak with about it all...

This board is a great resource... you may want to tell her about it... in addition, the board's resource page is great with lots of information about all sorts of issues associated with divorce...

Encourage her to rely on her child to make her smile... a lot of us here gained a lot of strength by focusing on our children... I used to pay close attention to everything my son did and pick one thing that just made me so proud I couldn't help but beam... that would be my moment to focus on when things got tough...

Thank you for being such a great friend for your friend!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 1:55am

thanks. she has her 1st prenatal later this month and i told her she needs to talk to dr about getting some meds. and i think she needs some counseling. i don't know if medicaid will pay for that. they don't have insurance bcuz Husband of the Year quit that "good" job cuz he didn't like it anymore.


...i **HATE** her stbx... i was the maid of honor at their wedding and it was one of the saddest days of my life cuz i knew this day would come. but she was "in love" and 6m pg, so there was no talking her out of it (i tried).


she is barely existing. i didn't think she would make it through the 1st trimester due to all the stress. it is really hard to help her the way i want to, bcuz i have a 6m old dd and i'm pre-nursing, so my time is limited. but i've been calling every day....


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Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 5:26pm

Its tough... there are anti-depressants that can be used while pregnant... I know this because my doctor specialized in treating post partum depression and really only saw pregnant or postpartum women as new patients... and he advised that zoloft had been approved for use during pregnancy... I don't know about other meds, but I took zoloft, so that much I do know...

Counseling... doens't always have to cost... I did a lot of counseling with the pastor who married us... Ironically, I'm not a member of the church, but my xh is/was and it was a great help... we met once a week for months... so if she's active in the church or feels comfortable with one of the pastors, this may be another suggestion.

Has she thought about legal representation? I know, she probably doesn't want to think about it, but these next few months will affect her life in huge ways... drafting settlement agreements, determining child support now and after the baby is born, getting everything clarified, such as who is REQUIRED to carry insurance on the children... big things.... she needs someone on her side to represent her and her children's rights... if she cannot afford an attorney look towards your state's legal aid office.

Its never easy... and even though you could see this day coming for a long time, do not utter those words to her right now... she doesn't need that right now... Its great that you're calling every day, despite your busy scheduled... she may not even realize right now how much it means to her that you're there for her... but she will someday...

Julie