how, how, how could he do this??
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| Sat, 09-17-2005 - 10:17pm |
My precious little three-year-old angel just spent over an hour curled up in a chair crying b/c STBX hurt his feelings. How? Well, DS wanted to call him (first time EVER!). He asked STBX if he could spend the night. STBX said yes. So, DS asked him to come and get him. What does STBX say? No, I'm busy. So, where was the father of the year? Two hours away at a friend's birthday party, probably guzzling beer. He was off all day and couldn't even spend one hour with his sons. I talked to him and asked him what the hell was he thinking? Why is he doing this to them? His answer? "I don't understand what you're so upset about, I already saw them once this week." He kept them overnight on Wednesday night. He picked them up about two hours before bedtime and then dropped them at daycare at 7:45am (they open at 7:30, I usually drop them after 8:30 or so, right before class). He didn't have to work that day, he had nothing to do but see his gf and play golf. I don't get it. How can you just ditch your children like this? They did nothing to him. He can do anything he wants to me, I don't care. I'd give up every penny of CS if he would just be a real dad to them.
I know so many of you are going through custody battles, each parent wanting more time with the kids. I know that this is not easy, however, it seems so much more normal than my STBX's behavior of just not caring. If you are going through this I'm sure it is soooo hard. It's got to be so difficult to get through. But, just be thankful that their other parent WANTS them in their life so that you aren't seeing your precious child in the state that my oldest was in tonight. :o(


















OMG hugs to your baby!
hi and hugs.... i went thru this with my son when he was around 4 also, (we divorced when he was three), and by around age five his father just stopped visiting and taking him for weekends, and in short- his father has nothing to do with him at all. its heartbreaking to see your child like this - i agree. but - now that my son is 19 i will give you a little advice:
first of all - make sure that you make this ALL your ex's responsibility. NEVER give your son an excuse on your ex's behalf. let your son call him if and when he needs to and be matter-of-fact about it when your son is hurt. (as he will be). show empathy - but don't let him 'stew' about it for too long simply because its just going to make him feel bad and its not going to solve anything. accept the fact that your ex is a pig, some day your son will accept this too. i am telling you this because i did as my son if i could've done things differently when he was younger - and he said was that its best if mothers are honest and not try to 'cover up' for the other parent.
second - don't judge your ex's parenting style. don't call him up and complain. its not going to help - and it might make things work. IF you think that your ex would be open to hearing a professional's opinion - then you might consider going to family counseling with him. but if not - then just focus your energies on YOU, and yoru precious kids. you are not going to change your ex...
and third- make sure that your son has some positive male influences in his life. he doesn't need a million - but a few. male relatives, neighbors, good friends, teachers, etc.
and i totally know what you mean about <<<>>>
second - don't judge your ex's parenting style. don't call him up and complain. its not going to help - and it might make things work. IF you think that your ex would be open to hearing a professional's opinion - then you might consider going to family counseling with him. but if not - then just focus your energies on YOU, and yoru precious kids. you are not going to change your ex...
This is great advice (so is the first suggestion).
I am sorry all children have to go through this too. It's not their fault, but are always the one that suffer the most. I'm on my 2nd divorce, my first 2 kids are now 16 and 17. My new child with this husband is 3, and I'm doing everything all over again. I just want to say, that my first ex, always made my kids cry, waiting at the door for him to show up, never did. Waiting for a call, never called. Waiting for a birthday card, never came. And I know it hurts them, and I think those kids finally gave up on him.
But now with my 3 year old, I think my stbx thinks being a jerk gets to me, more than the baby. But from doing this all for the second time, I've learned some things. One thing even though it's hard, but best for the kiids, is never say bad about the dad. See I did that for years with my first ex, but ended up feeling that I was teaching my kids it was okay to crap on the ones you love. So when they became teenagers, I had to tell them the truth, and stopped making excuses for their dad. How can I say "your dadyy loves you very much" When he can't even come see them. Or send a birthday card. But I NEED them to know that even though he's a jerk, that he does care about them??
You know I have no idea what I'm trying to say....LOL I just know that when the kids are in the middle, they would like a place that they don't hear crap, and we need to make it eaceful for them when they are with us. Eventually they will find out about their dads, but in the meantime being the good parent, the Mother, will make them feel I think alittle better.
It's hard, I know, and I'm doing it for the second time!
Alissa
Honey I know exactly how you feel. I wish my ex's feelings were geniune. But I dont think they are. He goes back and forth so much. He knows this will upset and disrupt my life and that's why he's doing it. How else would you explain your little soon to be 3 yr old having surgery and you dont even show up and then say it's b/c of me. WHAT! Thats the excuse he gave. He must be kidding me. They are jerks girl. And it breaks our hearts b/c we know the kids deserve better. All I want is for my ex to treat my son right. Im so afraid that he will use him in some way just to hurt me b/c he's so FURIOUS at me. As if it was my fault what happened. My ex knows the only way he can hurt me now is to do it through the baby.
Hang in there honey. I hope their dad comes around. Give your little on a big kiss for me and let him know YOU will always be there for him and love him with all you have.