How I end it & move on w/out resentment?
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| Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:59am |
I have very complicated story I would like to share. I hope I can bear with me and give some feedback . I really liked some answers to other posts.
In 1998 I came to the US from another country on a scholarship to study in the US. While here I met another foreign student who went to the same school. We became friends first.
3 months just before leaving back to my country after two years in the US we started romantic relationships. We fell in love. However, I had to leave due to the terms of my scholarship contract. No matter how I wanted to stay I couldnТt. He found a job after graduation and started working for a very good company in the US.
I went back, found a well paying job with an international company in my country.
He kept writing me very very passionate letters. At first I thought that it is not going to work, bcs. Of long distance, of his parents opposing our relationships, cultural issues (he is not american).
However his persistance and burning passion never let me forget him. But at some point I was so exzausted with a long distance (after almost two years) that I told him that I can not keep going like this. We need to do something to be together. Either he comes to my country and finds a job here or I will go to the US and join him to develop our relationships. Unfortunetely, it was very difficult decision since he is not a citizen/resident, he simply holds a working visa.
So I suggested that I can leave my job and come to the US on the student visa. I knew it was a mistake bcs. frankly, I did not need another degree, I got one two years ago.... But the separation was so unbearable and with his busy work and my busy work we could see each other only once every 1-2 years and only when I get a US visa, which is very difficult to get. After some discussion he said that I should come for the purpose of developing our relationships further. He could have married me and this way I could get a spouse visa but I did not want to do it before I know him better. I knew him only through e-mails and phone calls and 3 months of dating...
So, in spring 2003 I came to the US as a full time student.
We started living together and he was the breadwinner. I did not have the work permit so I did not work. After some time he started pushing me to find a job, but it was almost impossible because of the bad market conditions plus I needed working visa sponsorship and no company wanted to do it. However, I did some part-time job at the campus only, which was paying peanuts.
Living together was more dificult than I expected. I wanted to be a good housewife, I cleaned, cooked, did groceries besides going to school. I also found that I needed some time just to acclimatise. However, he was never happy. Most of our fights was bcs. me not finding a good job, me not cooking as much as he wanted.
He held a view that if I was a housewife I had to be a full time housewife and cook for him 3 times a day. I was so furious but helpless and depressed bcs, I felt like leaving him and going home would be such a waste of my time.
After 6 months I got into a bad car roll over accident after which I started having back pain. I can not say that he was not understanding, but I didn't feel like he gave me full support I needed. He kept pushing me to get a full time job.
In December 2004, after almost two years of staying together he proposed. I felt very weird because I still thought that we still had issues. However, I said yes. We went to the court and got a license and planned to have a wedding later in 2005....On the other hand living together since I came in 2003 I felt like we were husband and wife already bcs, of the commitments we have made to each other. Me moving thousands miles and him commiting financially.
Needless to say that our quarrels did not stop after we got officially married. The same problematic issues were recurring again and again. I tried to postpone our wedding in my attempt to sort out these issues before. In his culture the marriage in his country is more significant than marriage license in the US.
In may 2005 I graduated from school and automatically got 1 year permit to work. I started doing full time temp jobs. Right now I have a 1 month job which might turn into full time position. I feel very positive and excited that I will be back into work force again. I just felt like he was pushing me too hard, and I am the kind of person who needs some internal motivation and time.
Anyway, after our last argument I was so angry at him that I decided to look for my own place. He surprized me by calling and saying that he is filing for annulment/divorce. On the one and my heart dropped bcs. I still love him On the other hand I felt so releived bcs. I wanted to leave him bcs. Of him not changing his ways.
Most of our fights are about: me not cooking for him when he needs it and me being hurt by the way he treats me when he is angry. From the day one he withholds love, sex, affection whenever he is angry with me. It is like a vicious circle I get even more angry, he gets more distant, anyway, to summerise it all I am not sure I want divorce. I thought that maybe we need separation first.
I felt like the biggest problem in this relationship was me not having as much negotiating power as he has. I am not independent, I can not tell him that if he does not change I will leave. He knows that I do not have anywhere to leave. But then I start realizing that we might be not compatible at all and no matter what we will never be perfectly happy.
My question here is twofolded.
First, what are your thoughts on divorce/separation? Am I too hopeless thinking that once I am independent, successful, with a job like I was before I came here he will treat me better.
If we divorce I will have a lot of resentment against him because I feel it is so unfair.
I have sacrificed my career for him, I left my well paying job, came to the US knowing that I will be not able to find a job, to get degree i never needed in the first place, invested emotionally, cleaned, cooked, although he never appreciated it.
Even till now he thinks that I did not do enough. While we lived together he slashed a lot of money into his 401 K, about 40 K for 2.5 years. He also has debt, he is saying that it is bcs we needed more money to live and his salary was not enough. He paid 10 K for my school plus normal expenses for rent, food.
So, now after 2.5 years, he kept his job for 5 years, got a new one 3 months ago which pays twice more, got 401 K and IRA and on his way to get a Green Card.
I got 2.5 years older, broken career, broken heart, no savings, no money to even come back home and restart my life.
I know I did my share of BIG mistakes but how would it be FAIR to end this marriage? Do you think I have any right for any money?

Hi there,
Hugs to you.
I would suggest getting out the phone book and calling a few lawyers until you find one that will do a free consultation. I think that the things you described are tough on your end and I definitely think you are entitled to atleast alimony...... call a lawyer and see what you can do.
Hugs to you and good luck!
Angelena