How is it settled who get what holidays

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
How is it settled who get what holidays
9
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:58pm

when working on a visitation schedule for the kids, how it is determined who will get what holidays? My ex was never big on the holidays, but im sure now he will try to upset me by pretending they are a big deal to him. I met with the mediator Monday, he meets with her on Friday. Then we go in together to "work out" a schedule. I mean what's in my favor is he DOESNT want to be tied down to a schedule. But with xmas, thanksgiving, and all the other's coming how will they decide.

What have you guys done to try to get the holidays you wanted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 1:55pm
We have it set so that we get everyother holiday. The holidays also change every year. This year I have Thanksgiving, Next year I will have Xmas. I get every Easter so I can take the boys to church. He gets them every Labor Day so he can take them dove hunting. Otherwise we alternate on New Years, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Xmas. Hope this helps. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 3:35pm

Visitation guidelines for most states have the parents alternate the holidays every year (ex. you get Christmas this year, he gets Christmas, next year, etc).

That can get really confusing when you end up with one parent having the kids three weekends in a row because of the holiday schedule. For us it was easier just to stick with the every other weekend visitation for my ex; he gets whichever minor holidays fall on his weekends, I get whichever ones fall on mine. My ex knew that Christmas was more important to me and we both wanted my son to wake up at his house (my house) on Christmas morning to see what Santa brought for him. His family also always celebrates Christmas together on Christmas Eve. So we decided that my ex would have our son every Christmas Eve and bring him back before bedtime, then I have him every Christmas Day. My ex also didn't care about Thanksgiving so I have my son every Thanksgiving as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 3:59pm
My attorney had me come up with a schedule that we proposed to STBX. He suggested that I develop the schedule so that it would be based on what I wanted. We alternate years and also alternate holidays within the year, so if he sees them on Halloween, I get Thanksgiving, and if he sees them on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, then I get them for the rest of Christmas day. So far we're going by that schedule even though it's not official yet, because our divorce isn't final.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 5:46pm

Typically the holidays alternate.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:05am
Thanks for all of the input. I hope he will try to be fair but knowing him ugh. Im gonna make a list of all the holidays, decide which ones I can part with w/o too much hurt. I just hope we can put the "us issues" behind us and do what's right for the baby. Ive tried telling him that be he insists on being difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:45pm
When I read what you wrote about putting the "us issues" behind you, it reminded me of something I sometimes say to myself when I'm dealing with him: I love my kids more than I dislike him. When I think that, it makes it easier to put the "us issues" behind me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 1:41pm

It took me a LONG time to realize that no matter how much he hurt me and I disliked him sometimes even hate him that I have this little boy who loves to see his dad and I have to rise above the "me" part of it. Unfortunately he hasnt found that place and I dont know if he ever will. It breaks my heart to hear the baby say wanna see daddy or ask about his red truck. The one thing that I didnt want after his 3month period of not seeing the baby was him to come back and then disappear again from his life and now it seems like he may do that again because he's pi$$ed at me about the electronic stuff I wont give him. He was supposed to get him tomorrow and he called this morning and said he cant get him tomorrow. I wanna just kill him for doing this. It breaks my heart that he would do this to the baby. I just said okay and hung up.

What the heck do I do now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 1:59pm

I think you handled the cancellation just right. He wants to try to manipulate you, to get into arguments so he can try to force you to give him what he wants (the electronics). He deliberately brings his gf to visitation to get on your nerves and hoping that you'll get angry with him so he can reinforce in his head that you're the bad guy. So don't give him the satisfaction. Now that he's gotten the mediator involved, let the issue of visitation be settled through the mediator. I understand you're concerned for your son, but it won't be long before your son can tell your ex himself that he's disappointed about cancelled visits, and I bet your ex is not going to want to look like a loser who cancels visits for stupid reasons to his son.

As for the holidays, I think if you make up a list of holidays you don't want to share, those are the holidays your ex is going to insist you have to share. I'd give him an offer of alternating holidays - eg. thanksgiving & xmas eve 'til bedtime one year, xmas morning the next, every fathers day with his dad & every mothers day with you. Your ex may not even exercise his right to take him on those holidays - he's having trouble with EOW. And if he does exercise some or all of them, your son will have memories of special days with his dad and you can celebrate the occasion on another day with him as Karen suggested. Just a thought.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 2:07pm

You can accept that your X will never change and that there's nothing you can do to make him change.

You can post here when you have a question or need to vent.

You can not blame yourself for what happened in the past (or for what may happen in the future). It is what it is. Accept it, learn from it, and then move on.

You can love your son. You can be there for him every time his dad disappoints him. You can be a great role model for him.

((((HUGS))))

I know it's frustrating, because I'm going through it too. But once I accepted that my STBX just doesn't get it and will never change, it really helped me to accept all the stuff that happened and learn from it. So now, when my kids come home and start with the "Daddy said..." statements, it's a lot easier for me to get over it.