how to know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2006
how to know?
12
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 2:55am

Hello all,

I originally wasn’t so sure that I wanted to hear what other people had to say about my situation, but now I think that I’d like some advice, or some idea of how to know what to do.

I got married at the age of 23 (over 4 yrs ago) to a foreign man (that I had known for 3 years, now over 7 years), in a foreign country where I had been studying. I thought at that time that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, and that I could deal with being far from friends and family and home. I never questioned my choice, until a year and a half ago when he told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, that he didn’t know if he loved me, that there was too much pressure on our relationship and it wasn’t healthy. I was of course devastated, sad, then angry, then we both decided to use the situation to better ourselves. We both went to counseling, separately, and both changed. I became more independant, more sure of myself. We gave ourselves until the end of the summer to make a decision. His decision was that he had made a mistake and that he wanted to be with me. My decision was to move into my own apartment (2 months ago). I discovered that I liked this newfound independance that I had never experienced. I felt a passion and a love of life that I hadn’t had for years. I feel that I had married not for love of the person, but for love of the love and of being wanted, of the adventure of living in a foreign country. I do love him now, a friendship sort of love, after years of living together, but I don’t want to construct a future with him. I don’t want to buy a home or have children with him. I feel no desire or romantic love, and now I don’t know if I ever did. I kind of forced myself to feel it to justify my decision. I want to, for the first time in my life, be myself and figure out who I am, alone. Up until now, he’s never been physically violent, although he’s very critical and judgemental and has problems with delivery of the messages he wants to get across. We communicate well – or at least nothing is hidden – although conversations often end in frustration and me taking what he says as a criticism. He’s never really cheated on me – although I know in the past he’s spoken with women on the Internet and sent rather flirtatious emails. He can be very nice, but usually after a fight. He’s not very generous, not close to his family, a little psychologically unstable (depressive tendancies, difficulty being happy), no close friends. But he’s serious, respectable, motivated. I’m sure we could have a comfortable, satisfactory life, just the two of us. That’s what I wanted 4 yrs ago, but that’s not what I want anymore. I want someone who will emotionally support me (I don’t want to do all the supporting) and help me to be a better person. I want to enjoy every minute of life, and not just settle for comfort. I want to be eventually (not right now) married to an indivudal that I’m proud of but also remain close to my friends and family (he doesn’t know if he’s willing to move to the US).

I’m currently 28 yrs old and I feel like I don’t want to give it another chance. He certainly has qualities, but I just feel completely indifferent towards our marriage. I recently asked for a divorce and plan on moving back to the U.S. He says I didn’t give him a second chance, that he’s changed and will change, that my reasons are insufficient for wanting a divorce.

I felt very sure of my decision before I told him, and now I wonder if maybe I should have given him more of a second chance, even though I don’t really want to. I don’t feel that the marriage we had before is worth it. He says the marriage we would have in the future wouldn’t be the same one. Maybe, maybe not.

What questions can I ask myself to know what to do?

I apologize for the book I’ve written above, but it’s to give you some of the details.

I imagine I can’t be the first person who has asked herself these questions, so I hope you’ll be willing to help.

Thanks very much for your help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 6:39am
I think you already know what to do and what you want but you need some assurance. You seem to be much happier, more yourself, optimistic, etc. without him. What you desire in your heart, you will never find with this man. You made a decision to marry for perhaps the wrong reasons. Go home, your real home, and you will see things clearly. There is a life waiting for you. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 10:56am

quarterlifecrisis...

Pianoguy would like to offer a 'male perspective'---if that's okay???

Every choice each of us makes ISN'T NECESSARILY GOING TO BE THE RIGHT ONE!

While I'd like to think that there are many men and women who feel they've 'chosen the right partner' the first time out---this isn't A GIVEN! There are sides (we see) from partners that we automatically IGNORE at the beginning. Simply because we're either 'head over heels in love'...or we've convinced ourselves that HE (or SHE) will modify "a bad behavior trait" after a few years of marriage (or just being together)?

Here's my 2 cents...which you're welcome to accept or ignore:

If you HATE your current lifestyle...CHANGE IT! If "singlehood" is more comfortable for you than committing yourself to another person...STAY SINGLE!

NOBODY has the right to monopolize someone else's life...UNLESS that 'someone' chooses to live a lifetime of servitude to an unfair 'slave master!'

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 4:17am

Deb91158, Pianoguy,

Just wanted to thank you for your encouragement, and on Thanksgiving nonetheless! It helps to hear that I'm not the horrible person that I feel like sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2006
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 1:58pm

I’ve had a very bad day, emotionally. Perhaps it is because I’ve spent all day alone and because I saw my STBX for dinner last night. We hadn’t seen each other since I moved out 3 months ago, but when I decided I wanted a divorce he was willing to see me again. I do appreciate my time with him, but in limited quantities, and I still feel that I don’t want to create a future with him. Or at least that’s what I think.

So because I’m feeling down, I need to vent, and I’d like to ask again. How do you know when you should end a marriage? How do you know if you’ve made a mistake?

It would be clear if he cheated on me, if it was an abusive relationship, etc. But that’s not my case. It was an OK relationship. We got along most of the time. The passion hasn’t been there for a while now (we’ve been together 8 yrs, married for 4), but after so many years of living together we know each other well.

And I’m not the victim of the divorce – I’m the one asking for it. Sometimes I feel guilty for that. He seems so alone, lost, sad. Am I doubting myself out of pity for him, or is it real doubt?

I’m feeling sad today, doubting my decision. Is it because I’ve really made an error, or is it because I’m missing companionship?

How do you know????

Thanks, again, for listening/reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:22pm

Hi there - I just wanted to send you some support. From reading your first post, I do think you already do know what YOU want. Seeing your STBX has made you question your decision, which I have no doubt is a very common problem. At the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself and honour your own life by doing what is right for you. In doing so, you will be doing him a favour. You have to assume that by staying in a relationship that lacks passion, you are each denying yourselves the potential of a passionate life. You are still very very young. You have a lot of living left to do. I would hate to think that you are giving up a chance to be happy and to experience passion simply because you feel pity for him. That feeling comes from wanting him to be happy. That is very noble and honourable, but i can't happen at your expense.
I will add that I married my DH I think - simply because he asked me, and probably not so much that I was certain we were perfect for each other. He recently asked me for a separation and I was devastated. That was only two weeks ago, but guess what. I actually feel relieved. I am still wearing my wedding ring but it honestly feel like an anchor. I think I am ready to lighten the load, take off the ring, and begin living a life of truth for me. Of course my STBX and I have two children who are now caught in the middle which really muddies the waters. Be true to yourself, make the tough decision and set on your path to a happy life. hang in there (((((((hugs))))))) - I really do think that you are making the right decision. Go home for the holidays and I bet that will solidify it for you.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 2:16am

After reading your posts, I feel for you, as I think we both have similar tendencies. I am going through a similar situation as you and have recently started seeing a therapist in hopes that I will get some clarification as to what I need to do.

These are things that I've learned about myself as of yet (this list is constantly growing):

1. I tend to be a "pleaser". My husband also suffers from depression and I fall into the "maybe I can help him feel better" role. And the "will he be ok if I'm not around?" role.

2. Deciphering the line between what "I" want and what "HE" wants. After being together for so long (like you .. married for almost 5 yrs but together for 8 in total) and having this "pleaser" personality type, it's easy to lose a part of yourself and forget what "YOU" want.

3. I am always afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm one of those people that analyzes everything before committing to anything. This as it turns out, is actually causing me more stress and anxiety than necessary because the truth as it turns out, is we actually have less control over situations than we'd like to believe, so you can't be prepared for everything. My new favorite quote is "Fall down seven times, but get up eight".

I agree with others posts to go home for a bit and gain some perspective. Maybe even do this before you've decided. I have recently done this myself and have found that being in a comfortable and emotionally supportive environment has really helped me get back in touch with what I want/need/deserve. I'm still a "work in progress" but as each day passes I am gaining more clarity. I'm also learning to avoid sharing too much with friends as they tend to have their own perspective on what I should do. I believe at the end of the day we know in our gut what we need, and we should listen to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 4:10am

To Rose:

I just wanted to thank you for your words of support. I think sometimes it’s easy to feel alone and let the emotions take hold, and sometimes I need validation from the outside.

I wish you good luck in your separation and hope that everything works out for the better for you. You sound confident in your situation, and I guess that’s all one can ask for. And I also wish you the best for your children. For what it’s worth - I’m not sure how old your children are, but my mother got divorced when my sister and I were rather young, and although it was confusing for me at the time, I now know that it is so very much better to have separated but happy (or at least less sad) parents than parents together and miserable.

And to bmcctg:

It’s very comforting to hear that I’m not the only one going through this. You’re right, we are very similar and I am a “pleaser”, always looking to please a maximum number of people and never myself. And it’s only been in the last few months that I’ve allowed myself to do things for myself. It’s all so new, so I guess it’s normal that I feel guilty and self-centered from time to time. The key is to realize that it’s okay to think about yourself sometimes. Easier said than done.

I will in fact be home for the holidays, and very excited to be in the comforting environment, able to talk to people. I’m lucky in the fact that my close friends and family don’t really give advice. They listen a lot and then leave me to my choices but are always supportive. I used to think that I wanted advice, but I realize now that it’s always best to figure it out on your own.

Thanks to you both for your time and warm words, and I wish you the best in your journeys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 3:42pm

Thanks so much for your kind words. I have been very worried about how this is going to affect our daughters (4&2). I am trying to read as many resources as possible to prepare myself to be able to be there for them as much as possible. I know, in the long run, that this divorce is best for our family. My STBX is just about unbearable at this point and tension at home is awful. It is soooo much nicer when he isn't there.

Thanks again for your kind words about your own experience as a child of divorce. I do appreciate it.
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 7:32am

I feel like this forum really picks me up when I’m feeling down and confused, which is a lot recently ! It’s supportive when I begin to doubt myself.

I won’t retell my entire story, but basically after a year of questioning, I decided to leave my husband in August, moved out in September, decided on a divorce in November. Meanwhile, in August my husband decided that he did indeed love me, and wanted to change and make things better. For the past few months he has been telling me how much he loves me, how much he’s changed and still is changing for the better. He goes to therapy (so did I but I have since stopped since I made my decision).

I live in a foreign country (my husband’s home country) and went back to the US for the holidays. I had a great time with friends and family. It confirmed my decision that I wanted to divorce and move back to the US. I felt confident, happy, comfortable. I also spent more time with someone that I went to high school with, and realize that I am extremely attracted to him and enjoy his company a lot. We went on a couple serious “dates”. I sincerely feel that I want to divorce/move for myself, and that this blossoming relationship is just good for me now – I have fun, it shows me that passion and attraction is possible in a relationship, but I refuse to let myself imagine a future with this person. I am keeping my thoughts and feelings in the present. I try to emotionally and psychologically separate my divorce and this relationship. I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I’d like to think so. I'm thankful that he lives far away and I don't have to deal with this relationship on a daily basis. Perhaps I'm fooling myself, cheating myself by letting myself have feelings for this person so soon after ending one relationship, but the feelings are there and for once in my life I'm letting myself feel them.

Since I came back from my vacation to the US, my husband has been bombarding me with e-mails and “discussions” saying first that I made a mistake, took our marriage too lightly, have been cheating on him with this new relationship, am leaving him for this new person; most recently saying that he wants to change his life completely, to become everything that I want in a husband. When I talk to him, I wonder if I am making a huge mistake, if I’m crazy to leave someone that says he loves me so much, says he’ll change for me, promises me such a glowing future. But when he says all this, all I can think of is the past, the mediocrity of it all. I can’t muster any real passion or romantic love for him. I’ll always love him as a friend. I can’t throw away the years we spent together. There were good times, of course, and he’s not a horrible person. But when I look back all I feel is everything I gave up, all the times I followed him and let myself down to agree with him. He says the future won’t be like that. If I get together with him again, I’m scared that it would be only for him, to give “him” a chance, and not to give “us” a chance. I’m scared that if I give him this chance, that in 5, 10 yrs he’ll be back to his old self, or I’ll still be unsatisfied and there will still be something missing, but this time around we’ll have a house and kids (which we don’t have right now) and things will be much uglier. I feel that my possible life, starting over in the US, could be a good turning point for me, a way for me to feel better about my self, realize my dreams, find passion in life again. Am I crazy to think that my decision is made, and that I need to keep going forward, towards divorce and a new life in the US, and “ignore”, so to speak, these promises from my husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:33pm

wow - short of the living abroad part, I could have easily written your posts. The word "mediocrity" in your last post really hit home for me. I am also 28 - married for 3 years, together for 8. My husband and I just separated last week. Like you, it is also my choice. He thought our relationship was fine, though we were in counseling for a few months last summer and then started up again this summer. It is hard because he refused to put much effort into the counseling attempts, while I put a lot in and as a result just became emotionally drained. I gave up and decided to move out. It has since devastated him and now he wants to really work on himself and on us. The problem is that I don't feel I can go back. Our life was so void of any feeling...it was miserable and even the thought of going back to that is horrible. I am seeing an attorney on Monday to see where to go from here and he just keeps begging me not to do anything of the sort (he doesn't know about the appt).

I guess I don't have a ton of advice to offer, only to focus on where you want to be. Passion needs to be a part of a marriage....maybe not tear your clothes off kind of thing...but there should be a spark there...not just a luke warm flame.

Good luck.

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