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| Thu, 11-23-2006 - 2:55am |
Hello all,
I originally wasn’t so sure that I wanted to hear what other people had to say about my situation, but now I think that I’d like some advice, or some idea of how to know what to do.
I got married at the age of 23 (over 4 yrs ago) to a foreign man (that I had known for 3 years, now over 7 years), in a foreign country where I had been studying. I thought at that time that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, and that I could deal with being far from friends and family and home. I never questioned my choice, until a year and a half ago when he told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, that he didn’t know if he loved me, that there was too much pressure on our relationship and it wasn’t healthy. I was of course devastated, sad, then angry, then we both decided to use the situation to better ourselves. We both went to counseling, separately, and both changed. I became more independant, more sure of myself. We gave ourselves until the end of the summer to make a decision. His decision was that he had made a mistake and that he wanted to be with me. My decision was to move into my own apartment (2 months ago). I discovered that I liked this newfound independance that I had never experienced. I felt a passion and a love of life that I hadn’t had for years. I feel that I had married not for love of the person, but for love of the love and of being wanted, of the adventure of living in a foreign country. I do love him now, a friendship sort of love, after years of living together, but I don’t want to construct a future with him. I don’t want to buy a home or have children with him. I feel no desire or romantic love, and now I don’t know if I ever did. I kind of forced myself to feel it to justify my decision. I want to, for the first time in my life, be myself and figure out who I am, alone. Up until now, he’s never been physically violent, although he’s very critical and judgemental and has problems with delivery of the messages he wants to get across. We communicate well – or at least nothing is hidden – although conversations often end in frustration and me taking what he says as a criticism. He’s never really cheated on me – although I know in the past he’s spoken with women on the Internet and sent rather flirtatious emails. He can be very nice, but usually after a fight. He’s not very generous, not close to his family, a little psychologically unstable (depressive tendancies, difficulty being happy), no close friends. But he’s serious, respectable, motivated. I’m sure we could have a comfortable, satisfactory life, just the two of us. That’s what I wanted 4 yrs ago, but that’s not what I want anymore. I want someone who will emotionally support me (I don’t want to do all the supporting) and help me to be a better person. I want to enjoy every minute of life, and not just settle for comfort. I want to be eventually (not right now) married to an indivudal that I’m proud of but also remain close to my friends and family (he doesn’t know if he’s willing to move to the US).
I’m currently 28 yrs old and I feel like I don’t want to give it another chance. He certainly has qualities, but I just feel completely indifferent towards our marriage. I recently asked for a divorce and plan on moving back to the U.S. He says I didn’t give him a second chance, that he’s changed and will change, that my reasons are insufficient for wanting a divorce.
I felt very sure of my decision before I told him, and now I wonder if maybe I should have given him more of a second chance, even though I don’t really want to. I don’t feel that the marriage we had before is worth it. He says the marriage we would have in the future wouldn’t be the same one. Maybe, maybe not.
What questions can I ask myself to know what to do?
I apologize for the book I’ve written above, but it’s to give you some of the details.
I imagine I can’t be the first person who has asked herself these questions, so I hope you’ll be willing to help.
Thanks very much for your help.

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Quarter,
Some observations and things to think about based on what I read in your post:
First, we all arrive at points in our lives when we question our past
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
very good questions & post...thru almost 2 failed relationships, i'm learning exactly what you have stated in your posts...unfortunately this time around it is my husband w/the discontent & lack of wisdom about marriage, what it is & should be to your life & i'm the one that has divorce papers down my throat...when i here the ladies here speak of something "missing", that is exactly how i felt several years ago when i threw away my first relationship, thinking the "grass was greener" & that my life "lacked" when in fact it did not...we often blame or look at the other person to "fix" our lives & expect that our marriage will help do this, when in fact, it will only magnify our unhappiness...so in the end, i'm left trying to hold myself together w/3 children (two which are two-yr-old twins) and make sure i'm not making the same mistake i did years ago by divorcing...but there is a major difference w/this marriage & that is that it is his discontent & threats of divorce that are causing me stress to the point that i'm finding it hard to function & am emotionally drained...rather than throwing away, i think i'm finally at the point of tired of fighting & just letting go - i have suggested counseling etc., but get no response - when someone has made up there mind, you pretty much have to go along for the ride, like it or not...i've been fighting this for 2 yrs now & i'm really just pretty much over it...
Laurel
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