How to let go when your told

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
How to let go when your told
6
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:48pm
Hey guys I'm new to this site I found it by loggin onto ivillage for health info and fount this. Well i'll give a brief senario of why I'm here. 8 years ago I cheated on my husband. I tried explaining to him why it happened, but he never listens, It's all my fault. He decided to stay with me but this past year he has told me he can't lie to himself anymore about staying with me. He told me he doesn't love me anymore and will never again. I don't want you, I care for you. During this past year, I have found him calling chat lines, found out he's met a few girls, but when I ask him about it I just looking for friends. So I call it and the language they use is sex! Always goes out but when I want to it's wrong. I sleeping around. Keeps eveything from me, got his ouwn checking account, phone account, etc. I don't know if it is his insecurity or mine? We have three children together. He said he wanted to work it out, but is always throwing it in my face. He said the only way we can move on is if he does it back to me, so that way he knows how guilty I have been feeling. Wants us to hook up with swingers, says we need it to help our marriage. He says I think if I feel guilty I'll understand what you been goin through. I love him to death, but it hurts so bad hearing the things he says. How do you move on???? I have torn my heart apologizing for I did 8years ago. He won't let go. Now the kids are seeing his bad actions and words to me. It's hurting them. How do I help them. He is always calling me a bitch, slut, etc...? We have been together for 14years. He's all I know and love. Someone please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 2:03pm

He's all you know and love. But he is not acting as if he loves and wants you. And he has said that he does not love you that way, right? It may be time to let him go, you would know better than I. If you two were to have any chance at all, I would think it would be only with the help of a really great marriage counselor. Have you tried that route?

If he won't try counseling with you, you may have to start seeking a way to let him go. Who knows, perhaps that is what he has truly wanted for a very long time.

How to let go? I would begin by allowing myself to really see that he does not want to be married. You can re-play his words in your head. You can open your eyes wider and really see his actions... pursuing sex with strange women is a dead giave-away!

Decide it in your head, then decide it in your heart: "It is over." Start making plans. Begin with fantasies of what you want from your life, then start seeking practical ways to make it happen. What will you need? How can you attain it? Do the research, start the classes... start to reach for your future.




Edited 11/28/2005 2:50 pm ET by rosemile
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 2:59pm
You know he told me we need marriage counsling if you don't go it's over. I didn't want at first but we started going and I think it wasreally helping us to communicate instead of arguing. but when we got into a big fight he said he wasn't going anyymore with me. It was kinda like when things mad him look bad he got mad at the counsler and me. I took things very well, when I was wrong I was wrong, he could never be wrong,and thats when he didn't want to go anymore.So now we don't go anymore.
I'm just having a really hard time in knowing how to let go of him, the house,etc he's demanding me to leave the house to him. However he doesn't want to involve lawyers I do. Say we can work it out by ourselfs. Then he tells me let me stay here, build up equity in a couple a years we'll sell make more $$$. He has kept so many secrest from me, Then later in a conversation he says I never plan on moving out and selling. Trying to trick me. But then days,weeks later he'll tell me lets work things out this isn't what I really want. Now he says the things he does now? It's like theres something stuck in my throat andI can't swallow.
What do you think about him asking me to join another swingers couple? He said that the guy he talked to went through the same thing his wife cheated on him but now their marriage is stronger that ever. I just can't comprehend that concept.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 11:18am

Yes, you made a serious mistake. However, he CHOSE to forgive you and stay with you. Yet, 8 years later he's still throwing it at you and using it as an excuse not to trust you. That is wrong, wrong, wrong. It is even more wrong that he is exposing your children to all of this. He says that in order to move on HE must sleep with someone else and wants to hook-up with swingers????!!! Yeah, some couples are into that and that's their business. However, for him to use your mistake as an excuse to guilt you into sexual activity that you don't want to participate in is just awful. I hope you know that he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. I know you said that he is all you've known and loved. Well, would it be worse to start over or to put up with this every single day for the rest of your life? Not only this, but what about your kids? What is all of this teaching your children? Perhaps that it's okay to treat someone as he's treating you, or that it's okay for someone else to treat them in this way. I'm not at all saying that you should leave your husband. However, do consider all aspects of what is going on. Also, you may want to get some individual counselling. It does sound like he's being abusive so marital counselling would not be a good idea. A therapist can help you sort out all of these very confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings to make the best decision. HTH! *hugs*

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Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 11:27am

Oh, one more thing....


One thing I had a tough time with were the doubts I had. Maybe I did want to work it out, maybe it wasn't so bad, and then the next day I was convinced I wanted to leave, a week later I was questioning myself again. It sounds like you and your husband are going through the same thing. Just try to remember that nothing is black and white. No one acts or feels the same way ALL of the time. Heck, my soon-to-be-exhusband was very abusive and unfaithful (while I was pregnant at that), yet, I still question myself every once in a while as to whether or not I made the right decision. Now, more than ever, is the time to think with you HEAD and not your HEART. Often, women tend to make decisions based on emotion rather than reason. Try to see this as logically as possible. Ask yourself: What if my best friend confided in me that her husband was treating her this way. What would be my reaction to seeing it happen to someone else? Try to removed your heart from the equation and think with your head, logically reason through this. That will help a lot.

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Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 12:00pm
"Try to removed your heart from the equation and think with your head, logically reason through this. That will help a lot."
I love that advice!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:17pm
Thank You mommyluvspunx I really needed to hear that. This has been gong on for the past year and half. Good time then bad. He has told me the past eight years he has been living a lie to think we could work. Last night I told him i only had one more thing I want to share with him and it was my feels as i went through out the day on everything we have been through. He says my insecurities have my this divorce, but i expalined to him i didn't have any till i caught him talking on chat lines AND MEETING YOUNG GIRLS and meeting up with. Find phone bills with calls 4am, 2am 45 minutes to an hour each time. He's response was I was trying to meet new friends to talk to- to see if any one has gone through what we have? And get suggestion on what to do. So when I called the number one was the BIosphere. Every message was I'll suck your D---, eat my P----. ect you get the point. Nothing about making new friends. but that was okay for him. Hed tell he wasn't calling anymore just so i would stop snooping, but something was telling it wasn't over. Sure enough it wasn't. After condemming me every day day for what happeneed 8 years ago, and all he has been doing is lying after lying. I told him it's you own GUILT that did it. So he can forgive or forget about 8years ago,but noe he wants us to become swingers. He said it's going to take a while before i let men come in. So im suppose to just let him do it and watch him a the couple. He said no you get involved with the girl. He i got to go but Ill be back later. Thanks for the info. It is appreciated anytime.