How long ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
How long ?
4
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 12:52pm

I have a question for all the ladies out there. How long have you thought about divorce before you finally pulled the plug on your marriage? Could you let me know the steps/emotions you went through will making your decision! I have a very good friend who has talked about divorce with her husband. Since then she has backed down because of guilt a promise she has made etc etc. I know they have been going to counseling, not sure if it is helping. Seems like she is sliping into a depression, she called me the other day telling me how she isn't a good person and that she is no good to anyone. Just concerned about her and want to support her in any way i can, but she seems to have shut everyone out and is keeping everything inside!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
In reply to: daweasel
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 2:52pm

Sadly I'd had the nagging feeling that my marriage was destined to fail from day one. But... I didn't start to seriously consider divorce until about two years ago. I'll try to describe my emotions without rambling about the details too much.

When I first considered it, I was coming to an understanding that he would never change. That he would always drink and would always be critical and have nasty temper tantrums. I was scared though, and I really didn't want to end my marriage just yet. I'd resigned myself to keeping the "promise" I'd made.

Things only got worse as he grew more angry, more critical and more miserable to be around. I was so fed up at this point I went to a counselor myself to see what I should do. He said I need to decide for myself if that's what I want to live with for the rest of my life. I knew then what the answer was. I had simply had enough. I hated being around him. I was always walking on eggshells.

I guess the dominating emotion was guilt and fear over hurting him. I didn't want to hurt him when he was already so depressed. He'd talk about how nothing ever goes right for him... and here I was wishing I could just leave him. But I knew I'd never be completely happy with him. We had good moments, but I was mostly going through the motions at that point. There was a lot of doubt... like this is what marriage is, so it's not worth leaving. I thought no matter who I was with, I wouldn't be completely happy.

I was in that state of limbo for a year... knowing I should leave, but being afraid to rock the boat. I knew the answer. I'd talked about it with friends. But I couldn't go through with it. Divorce is ugly and painful, not to mention expensive. Plus the kids would be devastated. Mostly, I thought if I left, H would snap and kill me, himself or both of us. He'd said as much in the past. It was a scary thought.

This past fall is when I finally left. We'd had a major blowout, and he left the house to cool off. We were staying with my mother because I had relocated and our house was still for sale. Well, after that he just never came back. I wouldn't allow it. I took the opportunity to do what I knew I had to do.

Emotions following the separation... a lot of guilt. A LOT. Sadness for hurting him. I still can't look him in the eye. I wavered at first, but I had to remember that to turn back now would serve only to make him happy... not myself. I would be miserable forever.

Anger because he wouldn't stop harassing me. Lots of anger too.

Relief and a sense of peace that the decision I made is the right one. It's hard now, but some day it will be better. Much better. He'll get over it... eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: daweasel
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 4:28pm
Thanks for sharing. Just concerned for my friend. She has soooo much guilt and feels her happiness is second to everyones else. I disagree, but its not my call. Afriad that she will settle into something that brings her no happiness, because of the the "PROMISE". Sounds like these are just the normal emotions or steps ones thinks (has to go through)about when considering leaving. I know (can only imagine how tough it is) it has to be very hard, just want to support her through this. She kinda has withdrawn from me though during this, as i explained real friends are there during times of trouble, life is full of friends when times are good !
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: daweasel
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:29pm
You are being a good friend, letting her know you are there if she needs you. Beware of wanting to research her problem or attempts to fix it for her. That isn't a friends' job, as we all know. Just call her regularly. Keep in touch. Even if she is too down right now to want to pick up the phone, she will probably still appreciate hearing from you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: daweasel
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 4:40pm
Agreed !!! thanks .