How long did it take...
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| Wed, 07-13-2005 - 3:00pm |
for you to finally say "okay. That's it. I have tried and tried and nothing is working. I quit!!!"
I know it is different for everyone and it may seem like a silly question, but I am at my wits end about what to do next.
H just came home and told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. I told him that he hasn't known for 2 yrs now, so since he still can't figure it out he needs to go. He lets me know it is not all about me and him. I told him that I will not raise my children in a home where there mother and father don't love each other. We either get things back on track and give them the home they deserve with 2 parents who love each other dearly and who are happy or he goes. I will not settle and I don't want my children to settle either. They need their parents to be the way they used to be. Not hostile, angry and bitter people.
He said he would go and I said, yeah just like last week when you lied about calling about an apartment. He said well, I can go and stay gone. I told him great! That is for the best.
I am really done with all of the BS he feeds me and I am ready to do this, but I know that I am going to have to be the bad guy and probably leave myself. I have tried to avoid this because I feel that the kids should stay here in their home and if I go the kids will go with me and I don't think that is fair. I have put their needs first this whole time and now I just don't have the energy to do it anymore, but how do I be the bad guy and be the one who ends it all? I struggle with this everyday! Any suggestions or any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
L~

hi
words of wisdom.....kids would rather come from a broken home ,then come from a home that is broken...
i think that we each have that 'lightbulb' moment when you truly understand AND ACCEPT that you are who you are, and he is who he is - and NOTHING is going to change.
my ex was very abusive and controlling - maybe that's "easier" in a way because you have a built-in excuse. but OTOH - being in an abusive relationship makes us apathetic so i don't know how true that is. anyway, i remember trying very hard to work on the relationship between me and ex, and between my DS and ex (DS was his stepson) and one day i just realized that HE DOESN'T GIVE A FLYING SH*T!!! he is FINE with things the way they are - because if he WASN'T fine - he would've done something about it!!! i mean, when he needed to have the car fixed - he took it into the garage. when he needed to see a doctor - he saw a doctor (he actually saw the doctor all the time!!) its not like he didn't understand that CONCEPT of fixing things, he just didn't want to change. and as long as i was willing to be a doormat - he was fine with it. and the day that i couldn't do that anymore - he turned nasty. (or shall i say: nastiER!).
the guilt!!! that was something that kept me in the relationship for longer than i needed to be there. i didn't want my son to go thru another divorce, i thought that he was better off in a home with two parents (until he was able to tell me that he hated his step dad). I felt guilt about leaving my ex because he is a very needy and depressed man and i thought that i was holding him together . i even felt guilty (don't laugh) that my siblings had travelled from far and near to be at the wedding at considerable cost to them!!! and then, when i made the decision - i felt guilt that i waited so long!!!
the point is - you have to do what is best for you and for your family. and if you want my honest opinion - it is best to sit down with a professional and work thru everything. friends and family and message boards can give you just so-much support - and its best to work with someone who knows how to do this.
"But I know that I am going to have to be the bad guy and probably leave myself"
Yes, you will have to make the final decision since in 2 years he obviously hasn't made one. However that doesn't make you "the bad guy". What it makes is you a strong, independent person who is finally taking control of your life, and that of your children.
I personally would not move out with your children and leave him in your home. I would give him a deadline to find his own place. If that doesn't work, you will need to find an attorney to talk to and find out how you can get him out. In the meantime, stay strong and begin living your own life with you and your kids. Ignore him and let him do his own thing. It can happen, I know, I'm living it myself right now. My way of getting him out is I've put our house on the market. Of course now he is hanging around more then ever. Be prepared for the back peddling once they realize you are seriously not going to take it anymore. It's hard to resist!
I was essentially the bad guy since I told him I was done.
We tried therapy and after a few sessions, I decided that I wanted some individual therapy, and after a few months of those, he told me that it was my responsibility to go out and fall back in love with him and fix things; he had no part in our problems. I kept up with the therapy for a while and then it dawned on me that it was OUR problem and I couldn't fix it alone. So I told him I was leaving. (We had already had the discussion about him keeping the house because I couldn't afford it alone and didn't want to be financially dependent on him.)
He tried to get me back before I actually moved, but I was just tired of putting forth all the effort and told him that if he was serious about getting me back, he could act the part. He started dating within 3 weeks, so I'm glad I didn't back out of my house deal and give 'us' another shot.
While I regret breaking up my daughters' family, I don't regret showing my daughters how strong and independent women can be, and I don't regret teaching them that it's not okay to treat a woman in the neglectful way their father treated me!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie