How long do you "wait it out?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
How long do you "wait it out?"
10
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 2:13pm

Hi everyone!
I was writing a few months ago, but went MIA for a while. I have since permanently moved out of the house I own with my husband (I don't have the internet at my new place so it is hard for me to post often). I have been awarded child support (we have a 3 year old daughter). We have not taken any further steps toward divorce.

The original plan was to take some time off to work through our personal issues, and then try to start "dating" again. So far, our relationship is not getting any better. H does not want to spend the weekends with me because he feels that it is taking away from "his" time with dd (he takes her Saturday afternoon to Monday evening every week). So we rarely see each other. Our weekdays are too busy (both work full time, and he works out for 2 hours every night).

One Friday he came over to watch a movie with dd and me, but he has just come from having dinner at a nice restaurant with a female friend whom I have never met (and then told me we could not take dd to dinner because he couldn't afford it), so I was crabby (sounded to me like he was on a date).

H has been late picking up dd every week but one. He does not return our calls (even if I have her leave a message because she wants to talk to him). He constantly asks me if I have any dates lined up (why, I have no idea, I am MARRIED). Luckily the child support is taken directly out of his pay, so I can count on that.

How long do wait this out to see if things are going to get better? When and how will I know if it is past the point of no return or if it is salvagable? I have tried my best to talk to him about these issues, but my pleas appear to be falling on deaf ears.

For those of you who have suffered mental and emotional abuse - has anyone experienced an abuser making a permanent change? H was terribly abusive for a long time. I know he is trying to change, but it still slips out. I tend to forget about that part now that I am on my own.

Any advice is appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 2:24pm
I don't have any advice on abuse. I commend you for trying to make it work, but it doesn't sound like he's that interested and given the abuse, it might not be a good idea in the first place. Mostly I just wanted to say welcome back to the board.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 3:32pm

Hi there. My H and I are trying something similar to what you and your H are trying...live seperatly while we work through our issues and then start 'dating' and trying to make a real relationship. Well, we haven't gotten very far yet, H has just gotten his own place and hasn't started counselling yet. That's one thing I wanted to ask you about, he was abusive, my H is also emotionally and verbally abusive. Is your H getting counselling? My H keeps talking about it, but hasn't done it yet.


Here's two things from your post:


>>Our weekdays are too busy (both work full time, and he works out for 2 hours every night). <<


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 3:46pm

>>>Take yourself out of the situation. If you were one of your friends and she was telling you that all of these things were going on with her H, what would you tell her?<<<

This is great advice. I don't imagine I am one of my friends, but I do sometimes try and imagine what advice my wise old grandmother would give me. Or I think what if my dd was all grown up and in a relationship like this, what would I tell her?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 4:45pm

Hugs to you sweetie.


My x played this game with me too. He kept telling me while I was pregnant that he wanted to be alone for awhile and figure out who he was and he wanted us to be friends and start "dating" again. He would tell me to keep my "options" open in dating and all the while telling me he was alone, not dating anyone. He would come over for dinners, watching movies with us, visits with our son...... then I had my daughter, 5 months after he left.


I found out about "her". I knew she was there but he kept swearing to me that she was only a friend and he wanted to work things out with me by starting over. He moved in with her 2 months before my daughter was born

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 4:48am

if he is abusive, he can't just "try to change" - he needs to accept responsibility for his actions, he needs to make amends for what he has done, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 11:53am

Only you can decide when it is over. Have you had any counselling to help you through this situation?

Some thoughts you might want to consider. Although you may legally be "married", you and your hubby live separately, spend little time together and although you could spend more time together your hubby has other priorities (working out, having his own time with your daughter), doesn't even return your calls, he appears to be dating and is asking you whether you're dating. There aren't any signs of a reconciliation, and your husband doesn't seem to want to work toward one. You've also mentioned your husband is abusive. Very few (less than 1%) abusers make a permanent change. Right now, there are a lot of things working against you and your husband reconciling. If you and he both are willing to work the marriage, you might be able to turn things around. But one of you working alone can't make the marriage successful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 1:15pm

I have just become separated from my emotionally and verbally abusive husband. He was also physically abusive on 2 occasions, although I was not badly hurt. He wants to try again. He says he realizes that he has made a lot of mistakes and wants to change. I signed a lease on an apartment yesterday and feel so free! Still, I am considering staying separated and not pushing the divorce to see if he will get counseling. I think that this will end in divorce though. I don't think he can stay non-abusive in the long run. It is so hard to say that while he is doing his best to charm the socks off of me, but that is truely what i think.

I personally think that your marriage is past the point of reconcilliation. I think that I will need to make that same decision in a few months. He still seems to care more about himself and his needs then you and your daughters needs. If he has not changed that then he has not changed. Please be kind to yourself and make yourself happy. None of us deserves the abuse. I am so sorry that I have encountered so many people who have also been abused like me.

Take Care,
Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 5:24pm

Thank you everyone for all your advice and kind words.

My husband and I were in counseling until a few months ago; I was the one that actually stopped going because I felt that the counselor was biased against me, and I think my husband was lying to her (to make himself look good, or at least make him feel better about himself). He tells me he is still seeing her. I am not going to any counseling right now. I have gone for years (went for the marriage by myself for about a year before my husband decided he should go too), I need a break while I adjust.

I guess I should have figured about the abuse; H's father is still verbally abusive with his mom, despite years of counseling. He never hit her, but was physically abusive with the kids. H always blames his own abusive actions on "the way he was raised," and I suppose that means I should be afraid of him becoming physical as well?

Yes, H seems to think everything else is more important than time with the family. He takes working out so seriously he will put off pretty much anything (a few weeks ago he left this desperate message for me to buy stamps for him because he "won't have time and never will," and has not cashed a check I wrote him a month ago because he "doesn't have time to go to the bank").

I have read some other threads, and as one person put it, "I miss having a husband." Then again, I guess I never really had one. But at the very least it was nice to have someone to talk to and come home to. Plus it is painful to think about being a single mom, having to explain to my friends and family what is going on, explain to dd...
But this is life.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:25am
krelle-
At first I also "missed having a husband" even though in most repects I never really had one. After a little while, I started feeling better than I ever had. There was no longer someone there constantly judging/criticizing me, I no longer had to follow all his ridiculous rules of how things should be and walk on eggshells trying to avoid causing his temper to flare up. I hadn't realized how repressed and unhappy I was until he was gone - people who had known me for years were shocked by how much my personality blossomed and how much more at peace I was without him. Sometimes I still miss "having a husband", but it's not 'him' I miss, just that I'd like to (eventually) have someone to share my life with who actually acts like a decent human being.
While it isn't easy explaining what went wrong to people, and not everyone will be supportive, you may find support where you don't expect it. Some of our mutual friends were very supportive of me, and admitted they knew my ex 'had a mean side'. One of my ex's friends told me he didn't like to be around when my ex was drinking because of the look on my face (apparently I always looked wary/nervous, b/c my ex could turn quickly when he was drinking, but I don't think anyone else noticed).
And most abusers always find something else to blame their actions one. Their childhood, you upsetting them, etc. Anything to avoid actually taking responsibility for their own choices. Not all abusers become physical, but just because he hasn't been yet doesn't mean he won't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:26am

I spent the first night in my new apartment last night, with my son. I was so surprised. I felt relaxed and happy. I don't miss my H yet at all. In fact, the only time I got upset was when he called and gave me a huge guilt trip. I cried for 30 or 40 minutes. Then I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong. I was happy, my son was happy, and everything was good. I don't think I want to wait anymore.

I hope you don't wait too long to get out, you deserve a fresh start and some good happiness. I know how hard it is, because I'm not completely "out" either. I hope I don't wait too long either for that matter! I just wanted to write about my success! I wish you the best....

Take Care,
Becky