How long is too long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
How long is too long?
5
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 5:51pm

I have always heard that getting through a divorce is like surviving a death in the family -- and the emotions are the same -- bewilderment, anger, sorrow. My divorce was in Feb.2006 and I am at the grieving stage now. Is that normal? Everyone tells me I should be "over it" by now. We were married 20 years and I had a heart transplant 4 months after the divorce so I really have been dealing with two crises at once. But am I malingering too long?

Wallis627

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 6:09pm
Wallis---I don't think this is too long to still feel sad about a divorce, but I'm not sure what you mean by "grieving." If you are still mopey and uninterested in outside activities and unable to derive pleasure from life activities, I am concerned that this may be depression rather than straight grief over the loss of your marriage. A heart transplant in addition to a divorce are two HUGE life events to deal with. If you have counseling available to you, I would take advantage of it if I were you. No one can tell you how long is "too long" before you should be over a 20 year marriage, but with everything else you have going on, a little help sorting it all out wouldn't hurt, would it? Then at least you wouldn't be worried that you are not progressing through the recovery stage...
Best of luck to you. I hope everything is going well with your transplant.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 6:25pm
I think "too long" is way too subjective. The thing is, though that there is grieving, feeling sad, angry, and dealing with those feelings and then there are the behaviours that you may be exibiting. They are not one and the same. One can certainly feel remorse, sadness, etc for an extended period of time, however if you complain about it, feel sorry for yourself, or other reactive (rather than proactive) behaviours, it may just mean that you have adapted a negative pattern of behaviour associated with your negative emotions. That is where people fall into a rut. This could also be what others are seeing you display and are calling attention to.
I would encourage you to look closely at your life and your behaviours. Determine what you want in your life and take daily action to make it so. Don't waste time lamenting the past. The past is gone, it can't be changed. Feel the emotions, accept them and move forward every day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 8:17am

Everybody else is full of ..... Any of them been in your shoes, lately? New heart, maybe?

Oh my dear... take your time!

Please do be in counseling; it helps so much. And find friends who don't put their expectations on you, but instead say "tell me about it."

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 9:42am
You can't put timescales on getting over a relationship. It is a bereavement in a sense, and it will take time. Having had a transplant on top of dealing with a relationship breakdown will make things doubly hard. Try not to put pressure on yourself to "get over it", as this will only make you feel worse. All I can suggest is that you surround yourself with people who make you feel good, and who will isten to your concerns. Big hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:22pm

Dear Wallis,

No, you are not malingering. You have been dealing with two gigantic life altering events. It takes time.

You need to tell "Everyone" they should trying to walk a mile in your shoes ....