How many men raise their children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
How many men raise their children?
33
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:58am

I've seen quite a few posts with women mentioning that after they divorce, they get the kids full-time. Is this a control issue? An attachment issue? A fear issue? Or just a distance issue where one parent is far away? Just curious here - fortunately one of the few benefits of divorce for me is that i will get two wk breaks a month :)

Laurel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:11pm

I am filing for full custody with supervised visitation because my STBX is an alcoholic. He has been sober for 90 days and I plan to let him see the kids unsupervised (at my house) as long as he is sober. But I want the supervision clause there in case he re-lapses (again). I don't want to have to go back to court to prevent my kids from going with someone who has been drinking. So far it doesn't look like he is going to fight it.

I would LOVE it if I could have some type of shared custody. I would like (and often need) a break now and then but he is not emotionally capable at this point of being responsible for the kids for an extended period of time. Maybe someday.....(one can hope).
Just my situation....
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:24pm
in your situation, sounds as if he is just a "far away" parent...understandable...good luck on him returning someday...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:17pm
The way the laws are, men are very rarely given custody. For the first time in my life I looking at this issue threw my son's eyes. My parents divorced a very long time ago. never saw my Dad. Didn't know him until I was 12. He lived 3 miles away. I got married had 2 kids. Got a divorce. Got full custody. He moved to the other side of country. Now my son is going threw hell. He raised his son from 3 mo's to 2 1/2 yrs. Mom took off. Moved 500 miles away. She is very abusive. Grandson has problems. My son wants to raise his son. It has been very painful. We can't see him. To far to travel especially since we have no money.
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:37pm

My situation is a distance one, but even if my ex didn't leave the state when he (finally) left the house, he told me from the beginning that he didn't want the kids. He thought perhaps he would have them one or two times a month. Then he moved back to his parents' house across the country and of course that changed. I'd love to have a few days or weeks off a month. My kids went to stay with him for a month last summer and it was AWFUL. He called me to tell me he wanted to send them home less than 24 hours after they arrived. He was always a poor parent, I guess somethings don't change. Now not only does he never see the kids, but he hasn't called them since August. It's such a shame, our kids are wonderful, sweet, brilliant children.

Melanie

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 2:00am

In my case, I do have Joey full time, pretty much all the time. When my xh moved out, he moved less than three miles away and sometimes went a full month w/o seeing Joey. Then, once we actually divorced, he moved about 500 miles away (I think--I'm guessing on the distance, but it is several states away)... and because of that chooses not to see Joey often. He didn't want any holidays as part of our divorce settlement and saw Joey for the first time since last May in late January/early February when he came in town for the weekend.

I will say though, that I believe that family is very important and even though xh chooses not to see Joey often enough in my mind, we still maintain a very strong relationship with the xil's who often give me breaks. We see them every weekend we're in town, still do holidays together... they pick him up from school sometimes... I'm going out of town on business Sunday and they will watch him while I'm gone, getting him to and from school and all...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 12:34pm
i don't think that is necessarily true about most women get custody - from what i have seen, men should usually always get at least joint, and if they have more money (which is also common) sometimes they get full...and of course if the kids are old enough to decide, they usually go w/the parent that can provide better lifestyle etc...unless there is reason for a child not to be given equal time w/each parent, then i believe most courts obide...i know we still don't have equality in the world, however this is definitely an issue that i think needs to be addressed...i get tired of hearing women taking custody of the children - it's as much the mans responsibility, yet somehow they often get out of it ;(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 12:43pm
i know that things aren't the way they should be - but i think that when two people have two children, there should be laws that not only require parents to be financially responsible, but physically as well - just b/c someone "claims" that they are a poor parent, or is taking the easy way out w/whatever excuse or reason, doesn't mean they should be able to leave the responsibility...it's not only the kids that suffer but all involved & especially those that have the full burden of raising them...i think the truth is that many women have a fear that the children w/suffer in some ways w/an unfit parent & this could potentially be true under the way parenting is not regulated on any level - send someone to parenting class & call it a day - but there could be more programs etc. in place that ensure not only a child having two parents & benefiting, but also the parents that are learning/growing etc. from the experience of being a parent...we can either sit back and be victims to this current system that doesn't work, or we can try to create a new one...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 1:32pm
It's not only the parents that get a divorce, the Grandparents are caught in the middle, too. You want to see Grandchildren but if you don't bend down and kiss ---
your out in the cold. The kids are nothing more than a pawn for custodial parent. I've seen this happen over and over again. Then if you are lucky enough to see grandkids, you become built-in babysitter. God forbid you say NO. Then they will be taken from you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 1:35pm
i agree w/that as well -
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 4:57pm

I'm not sure how to take your post. I would LOVE for my ex to be a fit, caring, responsible father - that doesn't make him so. When we were together, he'd rather play video games and drink than do just about anything else. He rarely did anything with the kids and me and when he did, the stress level was awful for all of us. There is nothing the court system could do to make him a good father. He can't even handle calling his children on a regular basis or even staying in touch via e-mail. Honestly I hoped last summer's month long visit was going to be wonderful for the kids, but it was torture for all involved. He was constantly calling telling me how much he wanted to send them back (until I agreed to it but told him he needed to pay the extra $$ for the flight change), the kids were begging to come home and my ex's girlfriend kept calling and telling me what ungrateful, awful brats my kids are. I had been looking forward to the break, finally a month to myself to catch up and get moved into my new house, but instead I spent the time on pins and needles, constantly nauseus and worried about my children. I am not being cavelier in saying that my children are better off not going across the country to stay with their dad, it is a fact. I do still wish they had a loving relationship with them and that is not the case. I used to look forward to the day when they realized what a jerk he is, but I wept and wept when that day came about. It's easy to judge when you're not in a situation. I've been at this board since the day we decided to separate (over three years ago) and there are many people here who have seen my children and me go through it all. I don't think you have enough information about me or my family to judge what is best for us. All families are different.

Melanie

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