How many men raise their children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
How many men raise their children?
33
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:58am

I've seen quite a few posts with women mentioning that after they divorce, they get the kids full-time. Is this a control issue? An attachment issue? A fear issue? Or just a distance issue where one parent is far away? Just curious here - fortunately one of the few benefits of divorce for me is that i will get two wk breaks a month :)

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 6:10pm

First of all...how are you? How's the new home? And the man? We miss you around these parts!

Second...

Absolutely. While I don't personally like my ex, he is trying to parent our son well, and I realize I am lucky to have breaks. I can not imagine how hard it is for you and the kids to deal with a person who is mean, neglectful, and unfit. Your case happens to be one of the few where I TOTALLY agree that the less time the children spend with the man, the better.

Avatar for eatatmoms
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 6:57pm

Hey there! I'm doing very well thank you :). The kids are growing and thriving and we're ALL in love with Eric. He's a very special person. I love the house I bought and the area it's in. My job is crazy-busy and can be very stressful, but I mostly love it.

As for my ex, I really did believe and actually still believe that the BEST situation would be for my kids to have four adults in parental roles that love them and take care of them. However, they don't have that. Their dad wants nothing to do with them and his girlfriend seemed to find pleasure in being cruel to them last summer. I have stopped asking the kids each week if they want to call their dad because he makes no effort at all to stay in touch with them and he's an adult. I do hope that one day he'll come to his senses and see what he's missing out on. In the meantime, Eric is wonderful to them and although he's not their step-dad and he doesn't live with us or parent them, he's a fantastic role model for them. He's a true man in the best sense and my kids are able to see what two people who love each other are supposed to be like.

You are right, being a 24/7 parent is tough. There are times I'd like to ship the kids to Rhode Island for a bit, but I know at this point not only do they never want to go back there, they're not even welcome :(. I work as hard as I can to be the kind of mom I want to be, and yet I know I'm just one person. There are times I do feel it's just too much, but I don't have a choice.

How's married life??? How's the kiddo doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 7:23pm
Don't worry about your kids they will be just fine. I'm sure that their Dad will be back in their lives when they are adults. He'll be so proud of the way they have turned out. And take full credit for it. Things you can look forward to. Graduation. His family suddenely returning to see how they have "CHANGED." Marriages. Oh so much fun I could just puke.
How about his family? Can Grandparent(s) help with your children? We (grandparents of divorce) somehow get lost in the whole thing. Just a thought.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 7:35pm

I look forward to the day he can proudly look at his kids and think of them as HIS. I hope he can get there one day, but in the meantime they are doing very well without them. There is also a chance that when my bf and I get married someday he may try to adopt them. I think my ex will go for it, afterall then he won't have to pay childsupport anymore. I truly believe that all they mean to him now is money spent. It's very sad.

As for his parents I would love for them to be involved in my kids' lives. Unfortunately the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and they have no contact with them. When my ex and I were married I was the one who remembered birthdays and anniversaries, I was the one to call them to say hi and I was the one to plan cross-country trips to visit them. He went along, but was not very happy about it. Now ironically he lives very close to them and I assume he sees them from time to time. When my kids were with him for a month last summer I hoped that they'd get to see their grandparents a lot, but they only saw them ONCE! In addition to that, when my DD was having a really hard time at her dad's I suggested to him that she go stay at his parents' place and he said that they didn't want her there. Since my kids have returned home to me they have not heard from their grandparents at all - not even a Christmas card. Again, truly sad. They are close to my parents but we live in north Texas and my parents just moved to south Texas. It sounds close, but it's a 10 hour drive. At least my parents call and write and let my children know they are well thought of and loved by them.

Melanie

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Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 9:19am

My 2 cents.....

I've read alot of statements on this board from women saying that they were sure to get custody because they were the major caregiver and that always makes me think. WHY were they the major caregiver? Because they wouldn't accept any help? Because their husband actually did nothing? I'm sure there are both kinds.

Are men inadequate parents? Hell no. I've known my sweetie for about 10 years. I knew him before we were both divorced and I know for a fact that he was the major caregiver and that his XW was completely incapable of taking care of small children. I'm sure he could have gotten full custody, but he knew that his boys needed their mother. And by the time they got divorced, the boys were older and she could handle them a bit better. She's still not a great parent..... she comes first and always first.

My XH is a great playmate for the girls. He's not great at taking care of their emotional needs. He's not great at keeping them on routine with homework and school and practicing instruments, but I wouldn't deny him the time he has with the girls. They need their father.

So.... while not everyone is the best parent in the world, as long as the kids aren't in danger (emotionally or physically), they should be given every opportunity to forge a relationship. Kids learn as much from a bad example as a good one. Hopefully the mediocre parents will learn from their mistakes, but who knows?

I think you hit a nail on the head in some ways. While there are alot of us on the board who share custody, there are alot who have custody due to distance/abandonment. BUT.... (And I'm putting myself up for being blasted here because I know this is a sticky situation) I think that anyone who denies their children equal parenting time for any reason other than abuse or distance or that the other parent doesn't want it, should examine their reasons. Is it for control? Revenge? Fear? I think a bit of all of them.

Bottom line is that being a good parent isn't sex-related. It's personality related. It needs to be decided on a case by case basis based on what's best for THE CHILDREN!!!!!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:04am

i agree w/much of what you said - and you are right, sometimes it just boils down to personality issues...my point really was that alot of women deny the father the same responsibility - even if not consciously...i think there are alot more men out here that would own up if it were put in their face to and w/that there would be a better outcome for all involved...especially the mother...i was raised in & out of foster homes - no father - & my mother was unstable...my mother's reasoning for not requiring a father around was that she didn't feel it was his responsibility (they weren't in a relationship when i was conceived) - the fact is, the more people involved when raising a child the better - and like you said, unless they are being abused or being put in danger, we need to get over this fear of a man not being able to do it as well as a woman...as long as the parent loves the child (which most do), then even if we may not agree w/all involved w/another person, we need to let go & trust that our children will be just fine...we have little to no control over another person, including our children anyways. yet we give up this huge part of our life to play martyr for the children & paint the man out to be the lesser parent etc. when the kids get old enough, they are the ones that will decide what type of person they are going to be, regardless of how they were raised (and sometimes if a parent is truly lacking, it's even better b/c they get a clearer picture of what they don't want to be like). i think that's how i find a sense of peace w/being a mother & my children...there is no doubt they have minds of their own, are very smart & capable children & they will determine who they want to be, whether i agree or not :)

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:13am

You're exactly right! Our kids are going to be who they are in spite of us just as much as because of us! My older daughter loves her Dad, but she rarely relies on his for anything. At 12, she knows that he's not REALLY an adult.

While I think that the subtle emotional abuse my XH inflicts on the kids is bad, I know (from talking to not only my lawyer, but the girls' counselors) that emotional abuse is very hard to prove and not necessarily reason to not have custody.

I've seen enough movies on Lifetime, however, to know that I would never want to be the old mother who's children discover after 40 years that she's the reason they never got to know their father. I'd rather be the mother who, in 40 years, has a great relationship with the kids who say "My relationship with Dad isn't great, but that's Dad's fault, not yours."

It sounds like you're one of those wonderful people who learned from your bad examples! You've got such a great outlook on parenting.... sounds like you had a few great foster parents in the mix!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:23pm
thx - yes i did learn alot from my examples - i was fortunate enough to be taken in by my aunt at the age of 12, after being a single mother for a few years exhausted my mother...at the time i saw my aunt as a heaven send, and in many ways she was - but as i got older, i realized that by her giving up her life for her children (total opposite of my mother) that she also didn't set the best example of what type of mother to be...like all else, you find the answer in balance - don't leave your kid in the back of a car while you go into a bar in december & don't try to solve all your children's problems or issues in order to try & "make them happy" - and as far as the foster homes when i was young, i remember two - one that i felt cared for and secure & the other where i didn't - but i gained from both...i can remember the one foster mother (that i had the longest) who seemed terribly witchy (i believe her way of not getting emotionally attached) and she would always tell me - "don't walk around here feeling sorry for yourself" - at the time her telling me this angered me, but now i realize what valuable information that was, that i needed & would help to carry me through other hard & challenging situations...b/c unfortunately they never seem to go away, no matter how much good comes your way after each one...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:30pm

Laurel, while I do agree with a great deal of what you said, we also have to remember the following two circumstances:

1. Some fathers are truly unfit. Obviously, some mothers fall in to this category. We're talking more than just serving Pb&J for dinner and putting the kids to bed late. We're talking severe mental illness, alcoholism, abuse, etc. I have heard many cases on this board where the fathers are truly unable to care for their children on a regular basis.

2. Some fathers just do not want to have their children for more than a few days of visitation here and there. You can not force them to be involved in their children's lives if they don't want to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:03pm

I think that's EXACTLY what Lauren is saying.....

We're all guilty of making blanket statements about mothers or fathers or even children. All mothers are NOT the best primary caregivers for their children. All fathers are NOT incapable of being primary caregivers.

Sometimes the best thing for the kids is to be in one stable home with one parent and have little or no visitation with the other parent because of abuse or emotional issues, or simply because the other parent does not want to parent.

Sometimes the best thing is for the kids to have equal time with both parents, even if both or one parents are not perfect (unless of course, there's a valid reason..... abuse, neglect, mental illness, etc.).

I think her original post just wondered if women asked for primary custody for reasons more selfish than to protect the children from real possible harm..... ie, SELFISH as opposed to SELFLESS.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie