How many men raise their children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
How many men raise their children?
33
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:58am

I've seen quite a few posts with women mentioning that after they divorce, they get the kids full-time. Is this a control issue? An attachment issue? A fear issue? Or just a distance issue where one parent is far away? Just curious here - fortunately one of the few benefits of divorce for me is that i will get two wk breaks a month :)

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:10pm

LOL, that is SO funny! Right before I opened your post, I was JUST thinking about the term, "blanket statement." We must be careful that we don't apply it in either instance. Not ALL fathers are bad, and not ALL fathers are good. We need to make adjustments depending on the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:12pm

My ex never asked for custody of any kind.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:35pm
i guess this issue bothers me b/c i had a mother who was considered "unfit" most of her life & therefore i was put in foster care throughout my early childhood...while i had other family who married, had the white fences and were considered "fit" parents, now that things have truly unfolded (divorces, allegations of abuse w/in the house etc.) it doesn't seem that any were more "fit" than another - i know that many suffer from addictions etc. but does this truly make them an "unfit" parent, or just human? and often it is people's children who help to give them purpose & inspire them to change or keep going even when they feel they no longer can, but when another parent or someone else is quick to rush in & take over, where does this leave room? making it easy for men or parents of the like to give up w/a cop out or crutch of being "disabled" in some sense, not only allows them to sell themselves short, but sells everyone involved that way as well - if there is law enforcement that can require a parent to financially take care of their children (w/their drug habits etc.) then why not physically as well? i mean what are we truly afraid of? that they will kill the children, somehow scar them for life? honestly this "seemingly" happens w/"seemingly fit" parents all the time...i personally believe that all parents or people are fit to raise children, but much of the suffering is caused by the belief that some people are not...so...even tho my perspective may not be popular or seem realistic to some, i think it is a very valid view - and when teaching a child about their parent & labeling them unfit or incappable some way, what do you think the child is going to believe about the other 1/2 of themselves??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:46pm
I don't think a Mother is a better choice. My brother raised his daughter until she was 8 yrs. old. Mom was drunk all of the time. Mom got mad at Dad and told Dad he's not the Father. She took daughter back. Now they are in court to have support lowered, since brother is not the father. But "real" dad is no where in sight. Big surprise. My son wants his kid but Mom took off. Three states away. He barely gets to talk to him. Son was told not to call house. So she is in control of everything. Nothing settled yet it just happened. He would defanitly be better choice. She has mental health issues. by the way I come from a divorced family, I got a divorce, raised kids by myself as Daddy took off to avoid child support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:02pm
Exactly! In your case it WAS the best choice! But if he was making a good attempt, would you deny him his parenting time? Doesn't sound like it to me.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:25pm

He is making a feeble attempt but I still encourage my son to go because he is HIS father. He needs to know him, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:31pm
*L* I jokingly refer to this as passive-aggressive parenting. We're not TELLING our kids that their other parent is an idiot, but we're very muc hallowing that other parent to demonstrate it all on their own!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 7:28pm

Thank you for pointing this out! Even though my ex is/was an alcoholic who was very univolved with his kids when we were together, I tried to let him have them and he decided he didn't want them! He hasn't called them since August (but it's been since July since he's spoken to the kids - they REFUSED to talk to him when he did call) and won't respond to my e-mails telling him about the kids. When my son had surgery last year it took him days to respond. That's the kind of dad he is. Although I would love for the kids to have a relationship with someone who is a father to them, HE does not. There is nothing the courts, the kid or I can do to change HIM. You are very right, some dads just don't want to be a part of it, and isn't that sad...

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:39am

I'm asking this because I honestly am interested in your answer...is there EVER a cut off? Is there are level of physical, verbal, or sexual abuse that can no be tolerated? I do agree that every attempt needs to be made for a child to be a part of the other parent's life, but do you feel there are cases where one parent should not have joint custody, or should they always have it, regardless of mental illness, neglect, abuse, etc?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:54am
i don't thing you are getting my point - let me clarify - my point to the post was that it is the belief that many parents are "less than" fit or functional enough to raise their children, when often this is not the case...what often happens is, that a parent that has made mistakes or not been what our society would call the "ideal" parent, is automatically tagged as unfit & the other parent has the right to request & get sole custody - i think this is a great injustice for all - no we cannot control people who abandon their children, but when a parent is there & wants to be in their child's lives, they should be able to be...we often step in too quickly to judge a person or situation as unfit & as a result we have many parents taking on the sole responsibility & it doesn't benefit anyone...i don't know of many people that completely abuse their role as a parent, but i do know of many parents that have been cut out of children's lives b/c of another parent that was either being vindictive or pursuaded themselves, a court or even the other person that they were unfit...and if we were honest w/ourselves (especially as women) we would be able to admit & change this - it's up to us how we want to paint the picture...i'd say paint one where everyone benefits.