How many times do you go back?
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| Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:02am |
How many times do you go back to him? I have given him so many chances, this is the 3 rd time I have moved in with my parents because he wants a divorce and once again he is backtracking. Our marriage has not been strong for a long times but everytime I think he really wants to try and work it out he "changes" his mind again. We have 3 kids who are so confused by all of this and my family has totally written him off this time. ( I am very close to my family and what they think and feel is very important to me). I just dont think it is fair to the kids to keep going back and forth and for that matter it is not fair to me either. I would love for all the problems of my marriage to work out and live happily every after but how can I forgive and forget the past?
I have been a sahm for a year and that is what is causing the problems now. He thinks that we cant afford to live on what he makes but we have been for a year. I just dont see paying full time daycare for one and part time for two for a 10 dollar an hour job. I have my teaching degree and am 3 classes short of what I need to be certified. I am planning on once this is all said and done to go back and get those classes but I cant get the grant money I need with his salary. Oh well I really dont see how I can go back but my problem now is being stuck in this limbo . He is really nice and pleasant as long as he thinks he is in control of the situation but as soon as I say no I am ready to be done he flips out again.
I guess what I am asking is how many chances do you give someone before you finally call it quits and move on with life? Any feedback would be great
Thanks
Shop girl

My stbx and I have separated twice and filed for divorce twice. He asked me back after a year the first time. Of course, I went back and two years later we're separated again. I'm realizing that I'm an option and not a priority to him. So, do we keep beating that dead horse or let it go? Once I thought of it that way I realized that I was letting him have all of the control in my life! This is my choice, too. I don't have to keep going back to him on his every whim. It's too tramautizing and I just don't need that drama in my kids life or mine. So, I'm done. But, I suppose we each have our own breaking point and until you reach yours....
Good luck to you, though. It's never an easy decision to say enough is enough when your dh is involved.
Katy
Hi Shop Girl. I just think at some point you have to realize that the emotional stress just isn't worth it. Are you getting more out of the relationship than you are putting in? (I think I heard that on Oprah). Plus the kids need stability in their lives more than anything. To feel safe and protected and LOVED!
You said in another post that you were going to sign the papers yesterday. How did that go...were you strong or did you decide to go back to him yet again?
Good afternoon Shopgirlmom,
I'd be thinking about the following questions:
-- what is compelling you to leave each time ?
-- what is compelling you to return each time ?
-- and has anything changed (either you or he) in the time you spent appart?
I notice you use a lot of negative language when describing your husband and his behaviour. I'd like you to think about the words you are using. For example, "he flips out" -- when I hear this I imagine that he's gone rabid and is preparing to stab you in the head with a butcher knife.
You need to start journaling. To start with, write down, for each time you have left and returned, the answers to the three question above.
Sooner or later, the answer will come to you.
No I did not sign the papers yet. He has not got them drawn up and part of me thinks that he never will. I want this to be done but the uncertainity of it scares me to death. I really want what is best for my kids because I know deep down that I will be ok.
I have given him another 2 weeks to get the papers done if he doesnt then I am going to file myself. I am trying to save the money and just have my lawyer look them over but how long am I supposed to wait? This has been going on this time since January. We could have been long done and moved on by now. The kids would be settled and we could have some normalcy in place but I keep letting him talk me into dragging me back in.
Thanks for your help
Shop Girl
I know I use alot of negative comments about him because deep down I am scared of what he will do when he realizes he has finally lost control of the situation. He tends to be a control freak and likes things to go his way. I think that everytime he sees that he is losing control of me that is when he wants me back. I think deep down I really dont want to go back but I dont want to be alone either. He travels alot with his job and when he is gone me and the kids can have a pretty peaceful existence but as soon as he comes back the tension is back.
thanks
Shop girl
Wow he does sound controlling. I understand the fear of being alone though. Didn't you also say that you thought he was seeing someone else? You and phone records I believe. I guess it isn't too serious with this other person if he still wants to work things out with you. Will you ever be able to trust him again though?
I wish you the best and I hope that you find some peace!
I never left.... until I left... and over a period of 10 years (we were married for 13), I just can't even remember how many times I made excuses for his actions... or lack thereof.
The magic number was when I finally got mad enough to see a way to make my life work.... without him as a part of it, or at least part of it day to day.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~