How many of u have visitation through co

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
How many of u have visitation through co
18
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 10:56am

Okay, Ive been struggling back and forth with this. Whether or not I should go to court and file for sole custody and get visitation set up through the courts. I did that with child support and needless to say that didnt go well at all. He was furious. He always took care of our son but when we stopped living together I didnt know if I could still depend on him.

So he asked if we could handle the visits between ourselves, be civil to each other etc.

But he's so inconsistent as far as picking up the baby when he says he will. He sees him maybe once a week. He calls, says he wants him on a certain day and then cancels. It's really annoying now. I mean dont get me wrong I actually feel better when he doesnt take him sometimes because then my son wont be around that disrespect girl he's seeing now and I admit it hurts when he takes him knowing she will be with them because it feels like she's taking away all my dreams of being a family. Doing the things the three of us were supposed to do.

Im even still jealous even though I cant figure out why because he already cheated on her with me. Im not proud of that but it shows me he hasnt changed a bit.

As far as the visits he feels no judge should tell him when he can or cant see his own child. So I dont want to cause any more tension.

But Im at the point now where I need some stability and consistency b/c I think he uses that to keep me in limbo. He's gonna get him, he cant get him. I cant make real plans based on his actions. Meanwhile he is living his life, having fun. This is his 2nd relationship since we broke up a little over a year ago. I havent even had the first one.

Then there is the factor that I'm so afraid he may try to run off with our son to another state to hurt me. Maybe Im just paranoid but you can never tell. He seems to blame me for his life being the way it is now. He doesnt seem to want to accept his role in everything that happened.

So do I just go to court for the visitation and risk putting a wedge between us for good. We were trying to keep things on a caring, civil relationship between us but it just doesnt seem to be able to work right now. Will we ever be able to get along? I know there are still feelings between us, he's admitted it but things just seem still so painful.

Have any of you been able to have a successful relationship after the separation concerning the kids? How did you get to that point?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 3:34pm

I can't see the link you are referring to. My only confusion is why butterfly says she would not have had a chance at sole physical, I think she is referring to sole legal. Most mom's have an easy shot at sole physical unless they agree to joint physical. Sole legal is usually hard to get, sole physical is only hard to get if you are a father.




Edited 5/10/2005 3:36 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 3:50pm
Okay,
I would want sole physical. I want his dad to have input on his education, health topics. I just dont want the baby living with him 50% of the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 4:04pm

Then you want sole physical, joint legal. Which is pretty much what the two of you have already agreed to, right? And if there was a dispute between the two of you, it's pretty much what you'd end up with anyway in most states. I have never heard of a state pushing 50/50 unless the parents were already practicing it (courts like to keep the status quo).

What gets confusing is that some people will say joint physical means 50/50, others will say 50/50 is 'shared physical' and that joint physical can mean 60/40 or any other combination. I have read many 'definitions' and I have not seen anything that is consistent, it's always open to interpretation. No matter what terms you use, if there is a dispute (and you aren't already sharing custody 50/50) and you go into court, it is more than likely that the mom will get primary custody (custody most of the time) and dad will get every other weekend or some similar variation of 'visitation'.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 4:13pm

Well, it was only explained to me as 2 options.


Sole or joint.


My lawyer told me that judges favor joint because they want the other parent to be apart of the child's life. He also told me that the only difference between sole and joint is that joint gives access to medical and school records whereas sole does not. Sole also, as you said, doesn't give the NCP the right to make important decisions.


In my divorce I was given Sole custody ( and I don't know the exact verbage because I have been divorced since 1/18 and have NOT gotten my papers yet ) but XH has access to medical records and school records.


I'm only going by what my lawyer told me and my experiences. I did find the legal definition online when I was confused about the rights involved with sole and joint, that is the ONLY reason I knew that there were differences and "branches" of sole legal and sole physical.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 4:31pm

No, you are right and your attorney was right! The difference is there is sole physical and joint physical and sole legal and joint legal. 4 options. 2 options when it comes to legal custody, 2 options when it comes to physical custody.

>>>My lawyer told me that judges favor joint because they want the other parent to be apart of the child's life. He also told me that the only difference between sole and joint is that joint gives access to medical and school records whereas sole does not. Sole also, as you said, doesn't give the NCP the right to make important decisions.<<<

Your lawyer was talking about sole vs. joint LEGAL custody. He was right, it is very hard to get sole legal custody (meaning the other parent would not have these legal rights). NY and all other states that I am aware of favor JOINT legal custody in all but the most extreme of cirumstances.

Sole vs. joint PHYSICAL is something completely different. Physical custody determines who the child lives with. You have sole physical custody of your children. I have joint physical, and in my case that means 50/50 custody (in some other cases it might be called shared custody and no matter what it's called, it could also mean 60/40 or 65/35 split of parenting time).

You and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum, you having sole physical and sole legal, me having joint physical and joint legal. You and I have unusual cases.

It is more common for the mother to have sole physical (meaning the children mostly live with mom, while dad has visitation), and also to have joint legal (which means both parents can be involved in important decisions).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 4:55pm

I would opt for sole physical and joint legal. If I go through with it I will let you guys know how it turns out.

Thanks for all the advice and support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 5:23pm

gotcha :)


Thanks for all the support on this subject..... good question luv!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 11:16am

A good visitation schedule protects your rights, as well as his rights.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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