How many of you have 50-50 physical cust

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
How many of you have 50-50 physical cust
5
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 11:30pm

???? I am going through a divorce and the judge ruled in favor of the 50-50 physical even though I did not want it.

I am scared to death. I will miss my kids. When I remove my own emotions from the equation, I think it might be what my kids would want. I have three little boys and they adore their dad. However rotten he's been to me, he is a good dad.

I need some positive comments, thoughts or something to get me through!!

I would like to find some kind of support group for Mom's living this way!!

Help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 9:20am

Hi Princess (I really like your scren name BTW)

I am a stepmom to 2 boys and we share 50/50 with their mom. The kids do very well with it and I know it was hard on their mom at first but we have been doing it for almost 3 years now and it goes very smoothly.

Here is what I would suggest or what has worked for us. We do 1 week on, 1 week off with a Friday evening exchange. We found that Friday worked better than Sunday because it gave the kids the weekend to adjust to the new home before going back to school. In the beginning we would do a Weds night dinner with the other parent each week, that way you don't have to go a full 7 days without seeing them. We have eliminated that in the last 10 months or so just because of activity levels etc. Plus with sports and school it is a very rare week that we do not see the kids at an event or a practice.

If you can keep discipline and general rules the same at each house it is easier on the kids but if not they will adjust accordingly. I also would suggest doing the right of fist refusal in the parenting plan. That is where if either you or your ex cannot be with the kids that the other parent has the right to take them for that time. I think ours states that it has to be for a time over 8 hours. We have only used it a handful of times but my hubby did not have it in their 1st agreement and she let everyone in the world watch the kids but him so it is a nice thing to add.

You are going to hear a lot of people bash 50/50 arrangements but we have found that they can really work for kids. What kid would not want to be with each of their parents as much as possible? It is almost always the adults who have hard time adjusting. If you make it smooth the kids will do just fine. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 11:13am

Hi there! I have close to 50/50....probably about a 60/40 in my case, or slightly more. At first, it scared me to death. My ex was not at all used to spending time at home or raising our son, so I had no idea how it would turn out. Also, I was very used to doing 95% of all child-care related activities, so it was a HUGE change for me. There have been bumps along the way (ex constantly forgetting to give DS his allergy medicine, being overindulgent, etc), but all in all, I feel the arrangement has worked well. I'm sure part if that is my son's age - 11.


So yes, I totally understand how scary it is when you're a mom and you have to get used to spending less time with your children. But in the end, I'm sure it will give you some much-needed down time that you deserve.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 11:14am
I would suggest that you definitely get a right of first refusal put in the agreeement. I think you also need to look into the different types of 50-50 custody. Some agreements are one week on and one week off. Some people like this and it works well for them. Other people don't like the idea of not seeing their kids for a week. Others have some kind of 4-3-2, and there are many other kinds of arrangements. At this point think about your work schedule and your childrens activities. One of my friends has schedule that she never has her kids on a wednesday and he never has them on a monday. Then they have the other days scheduled. She says this works well for her because if she needs to schedule things she always knows that her Wednesdays are free.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 4:04pm

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. It isn't what "I" want at all, but I am trying hard to remember that it isn't about me, but my boys. It just stinks all around.

I never wanted the divorce in the first place. STBX is a really good dad. He loves our children a great deal and although has never been the "primary caregiver" I believe that he is capable of doing so and will likely handle it well.

I am worried about it being difficult on the boys. It will at first, but I hope that it will sooner than not, become as normal as brushing their teeth.

I cannot imagine being away from them, but it will not be a total 50-50.

This will be the schedule...

Week on week off with the other parent having wednesday nights with the kids opposite their parenting week.

I will have the boys every day for a couple of hours until STBX gets home from work. So from dinner to bedtime 4 days every other week and every other weds and every other weekend is all the time they will be away from me. Does that make sense?

Even on his week, I will have them part of the time.

If it becomes to difficult then I will go back to mediation and request that the visitation schedule remain the same but that during the week the boys come back to my house to sleep. So, his time with them will not change but they will come back to me to shower and go to bed. I worry about them not having a "Home base".

Does this seem fair? I am willing to try it for the 6 months the mediator reccomended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:41am
Your schedule sounds a lot like mine. Week on week off. Transfer is Sunday night at 730pm. I have my boys M-F of my off week from 5-630pm. This has been working very well for us. My ex and I both work together as far as any extra time we may want (ie. taking them to dinner during our off week). Good Luck to you. If you have any questions post back. I've been doing this for a little over a year now. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda