How much do you 'stuff'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
How much do you 'stuff'?
1
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 9:54am

Morning ---

Need to get some perspective I guess; I don't have a counselor right now, though there is one at a womens abuse center I have talked to in the past year and I am going to call her this morning.

The last years of the relationship between my stbx and I were filled with situations and things which escalated...he is very controlling and it got worse and worse. I justified and explained away so much and I to this day am still second-guessing myself. When something happened that he didn't like or wanted to have changed; whatever my reaction was to it -- if I tried to explain, if I asked a question or whatever I did, very often he negated my response to the situation. He would say "You are over sensitive." "I didn't mean THAT." "You are reading more into the situation than I meant." "So what? I was mad; it was just words, get over it." "You are imagining things." "You SHOULD be happy -- any woman being provided for like you are would be thankful." "If you didn't do x, x and x,then I wouldn't have done that."

I have struggled during the time this divorce has been going on with things like many of you -- some of which are just what a lot of people go through during the divorce; its not like we are all going to have warm, fuzzy feelings for the one we are trying to divorce, I know that. But I guess I have no sense of boundary with him; well, I do, but I don't know when something happens if it is 'really all that bad' or I should just say - "Well, no surprise, consider the source", and then just go on with life.

Yesterday, for a mid week visit, when I went to get the children one of our little girls asked if she could stay longer as she and daddy were going to watch a movie. I almost never have said no to any 'extra time' -- and he gets the kids to do the asking, which I hate. Anyhow, an hour into the movie, he decided they would stop it to watch some show that is something he watches...it was going to be an hour long and my girl basically didn't want to wait so called to see if I would mind coming to pick her up, instead of her waiting to get a ride from dad. So, I said yes -- and my youngest wanted to go with (5 yo), so we headed toward stbx's parents house where he lives.

As we are pulling out of the complex a car speeds up super fast behind me. At that point there were no other cars in any of the three lanes, and as we were approaching a light,seeing the headlights I went ahead and pulled to the right lane, and as the car pulled around me it accelerated up to a high speed coming close to my drivers door and leaning on the horn three long bursts, before passing. My little guy and I could see clearly it was dad's truck as it passed. I slowed down and then after it passed, pulled over to the far left turning lane -- it was a green light so I made a u-turn and then pulled to the shoulder to catch my breath for a minute, then continued back to our apartment.

My little one was really upset, wanting to know why daddy had gone by so fast and honking the horn three times. I calmed him the best I could; and for the next half hour or so. I just told him daddy was 'trying to get my attention to let me know he had dropped off his sister, instead of my continuing to drive over to get her." My sweet little guy said, "Why didn't he just call us on the cell phone mommy?" Bah.

He seems okay this morning; which is good. I tried to make 'light' of a situation from his dad, just like I did so often in the marriage. But you have to do that, the kids often take a cue from our behavior; and if I would have let on how upset I was, I think that would have been worse for my little boy and he would have gotten more upset. I have tried so hard to shield them from whatever I can during the divorce process. They don't get to pick their parents; they didn't get to 'decide' about the divorce, and I have thought the only gift I have is to make it as liveable as possible for them; giving them as much continuity as possible; trying to remind them both their dad and I love them very much and the divorce is not their fault, etc. But you just can't shield them from everything in this process I guess.

If/when I speak to anyone about this, he is just going to say I 'exaggerated it' --- that he didn't go 'that fast' by us, or that I am making it up etc.

So, where is the boundary, will there ever be one. If I send him an email or address it in anyway he is going to say its 'obvious she is just being over emotional; that is not what happened at all..." --- that negation is how he has tried to control me for these last few years and I don't understand even now how to effectively deal with it. Maybe the counselor will have time to talk with me and have a couple of suggestions. I have to go to work; I don't think it can be reported to the police since there were not any witnesses. I don't have a lawyer; do not meet the income eligibility requirements for county legal aid as I have mentioned before, since they include both spouses income. Maybe I can draft a letter and send it to his lawyer and a copy to the childrens lawyer with a statement of the facts as I see it and that I do not think that is positive behavior -- and that I had one of our children in the vehicle with me when he did it.

I don't know what is too little and what is too much. The custody trial is in a few weeks. The kids are more anxious now; he told them last week that "Its really good that the trial falls on the week you are with me kids, as then when I get placement, this will all be over and you won't have to ever go back to that stupid apartment ever again." That little part in our temp orders about 'not discussing the divorce with the children' is a moot point as far as he and his family is concerned. I just tried to calmly explain to them that they are not to worry, that mommy and daddy are dealing with this and we both love them; I told them the judge's decision is not likely to be given out that exact day; and that the visitation situation will not change drastically overnight. I love them so much. I still cannot believe in all this, that he does not see his comments absolutely affect them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 12:41pm

I would not even acknowledge his little revving past you horn blowing exhibit.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~