How not to break his heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
How not to break his heart?
2
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 10:28pm

Hi,
I've posted on the Should I Stay..board but was hoping to get some insight from here as well.
Quickly: Dated H for 2 years, all long distance. Thrilled to find someone who loved me, felt safe and comfortable, on best behavior when visiting and we did everything together. No real passion but I thought I was through with all that..just led to heartache in my opinion. After he got a job here and moved in, it became clear that I had ignored some red flags. The man is incapable of conversation; no longer do we do anything together (his interests have changed or else he doesn't need to "try" anymore;) we live parallel lives. The big thing is that we have no emotional connection at all. I know nothing of what goes on in his head because he will not tell me. He does not care to know what I am thinking. His family tells me he has always been locked up emotionally. (There is anger, I know that.) We literally do not talk unless I initiate a conversation.

I could go on, but basically I feel we are very incompatible. I am tired of denying myself the relationship I need. Problem is, he was married once before and says he cannot go on if this marriage fails. He shoves everything under the carpet and does not think we have any problems. I cannot imagine living the next forty years like this.

My problem though: I don't know how I will get over feeling responsible. I was a grown woman who made the mistake of marrying him. I got him into this, in some respects. He did not want to date anyone after his divorce. He loves me in his own way and will be utterly devastated.

I don't know what to do. How do you draw the line between being selfish and being true to what you need?

I have been to counseling and basically he is not going to change. This is not a bad habit. This is him. He says he is "wired" this way.

Feel free to chime in. My feelings of guilt and fear are overwhelming.

MW

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 9:06am

Marathon,


If we all stood around delaying or avoiding decisions because of how someone else might react, we'd all be frozen like statues in the street, at home, at work, etc., and no one would ever move. Get the picture?


Denial is part of the process of moving forward with life decisions. Some call it "cold feet" (a term we hear mostly associated with getting married!) but its basically a hestitation before making the leap of change. It's normal and its even healthy because we can take a breath before we actually go through with our decision.


Therapists will tell you we are each responsible for our own decisions. We can't make them for others and we can't shield them from the consequences of our choices (or theirs). It's simply not possible. That said, you need to remember that BOTH of you made a decision to get married. He's as much responsible for going through with the marriage as you are..even if he did so reluctantly. He could have said "no" for all the reasons he's given you. But, he didn't. He said yes and married you.


So, stop thinking this is "all your fault" and that you're somehow responsible for his potential pain and suffering. The man has to learn to protect himself and that means he needs to be more forth coming with future relationships. He obviously has a lot of issues of his own that you can't know all about and he apparently won't explore. That's too bad because it will rob him of the ability to really trust again and make good decisions for himself. In affect, it doesn't matter who he married - he would still face the same rejection, fear, anger, etc. - it just happens to be you.


So, do what you need to do regarding your decisions. It won't be possible for you to escape feeling guilty or responsible, but don't stay there too long. I'd also suggest you learn from this experience. It's a great thing that we can meet people long distance and fall in love; it's not so great when we truly don't know what they're like unless we spending "face time" with them on a regular basis. So, store your "red flags" and remember them for the next relationship.


Take care and let us know how you are.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 9:10am

Hi there marathon_woman,


I'm a little confused here - are you sure you are going to get a divorce, or are you willing to try to work things out?