how to start over

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
how to start over
7
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:35pm

Hi!

I'm new here. I'm 38 years old and divorced for about a year. We tried to reconcile after it was final (I asked him to)---things were going well and then he just said he didn't want it anymore and was a better person, father, friend, family member without me. He was very cruel about it and that was that---this happend two months ago. We have two kids together & I have a 12 year old daughter from a prior marriage that he raised as his own since she was 3 (her real father is not in the picture). He now has nothing to do with her. Does not even say hi to her. He only takes the other two that are his. He told me that he does not want "my" daughter taking away financially or emotionally from his two children he has with me and that those two kids are his only focus now. You can imagine the pain and confusion this has caused me and my daughter as well as the confusion it has with the two younger siblings.

I have not talked him since he told me he was moving on and that he did not want "my" daugther in his life, but I am horribly depressed and feel like a loser and feel like I will never find happiness again. I am 38 and a single mother of 3. Who will ever want me?

To make it worse (and yes, I know it should not matter and I should not focus on him) he has just picked up his pieces and moved on. He bought a house down the street from me, he dates, he just seems so happy. My two youngest children just love being with him on the weekends because of all the newness of the new house, and he always has some big adventure they do during his time---trips to the amusement parks, swimming, you name it.

He explained to my son the other weekend (my son came home and told me this) --my son is 6--why we are not together anymore. His explanation is that he still loved me, but that he did not want to be with someone that doesn't "like" him. This has been his theory during our marriage---that I did not like anything about him. It may be true--but it still is upsetting he told our son this.

I just feel depressed and jealous. I guess the jealousy is from fear of my kids wanting to be with him more than me when I was a stay at home mom the whole time. I can't stop focusing on him being so happy and going out to bars meeting women when I am just trying to survive day to day and trying to figure out how I can afford everything and knowing I wouldn't even have time to date, let alone do I think anyone would want me.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks.

Darcy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 5:16pm

Darcy Darcy Darcy

I want to tell you I was in your same situation with three kids and an ex that was the biggest a-hole in the world and had such a attitude about his new and upcoming life without the wife to complain. Well he did the same thing to me that yours is doing to you. He was a drinker and would go out to bars and meet good looking women and date them for a while till he got rid of them and moved on to the next poor sole. I was upset of the thought that my marriage was over and it was never what I thought it would be. Was yours? I loved my husband and still do till this day but I hated the person he became and the one he acted out in front of others just for show. See darcy don't think it is always going to be like this, thing of it the way the kids see it now. It is new to them so they like it but with everything it will eventually get old and the newness turns old. His life is all fun right now but that too gets old and there will be some lonely nights for him as well. Also remember the reasons you stopped liking him and think that the next one in line will not be getting the present she thinks she is because if he did it to you he will do it to her also. He wants you to be sad and think he is happy and life is grand but why can't you put on a show for him too and who is to say you will not feel happiness once you get out of the shade and stand in the sun? And DARCY if you think some one is not going to want a 38 year old women and with three kids well think again because that was me girl. I have now met the most loving, respectful wonderful man that worships the ground I walk on and loves me like I love him. See we tend to feel we need people to complete us in reality we complete our selves and just want companionship and emotional fufillment that is normal. I tell you this, next time you know he is coming over for the kids you fix your self up with makeup and do your hair and you take your daughter and yourself out to Mc Donalds all fixed up and a movie if you can afford it and enjoy yourself. I guarantee his curiosity will get the best of him and he is going to be thinking in a different mind frame. I been there and done that. It was too late my ex missed the boat and I refused to let him think I would have given him another chance to direspect me again. Nope not happening in this life time. Remember if you make your self up and you look good then you are going to feel good so as hard as it might be you need to put the effort in eating good and taking care of your your self because if you don't no one else is going to. Good luck and just think he is the one missing out not you. Woman do not realize how powerful we are we just use our heads in a different way. wink wink.
Good Luck to you and remember that life is too short to sit around and mis a minute of it so go out and enjoy it to the fullest. Tomorrow is never promised so live for today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 7:08am

Darcy..

It's only PG's 2 cents...but if you're projecting a 'negative appearance' around your children or concerning ANY ISSUE, it shouldn't surprise you that the 2 younger children want to be around their DAD!

I'm not suggesting that your opinions don't matter and that your needs aren't valid, but there HAD to be a reason why your husband moved out? Most men don't 'up and leave' over nothing.

It's entirely possible that you gave him "the vibe" that his contribution to the marriage wasn't necessary or enough?

Get yourself a little professional therapy a.s.a.p. You're not doomed to spend your life alone at the age of 38! But before you move forward into a new relationship, you might want to look at the reasons your last one went 'sour?'

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 7:25am
Thank you so much for your reply. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one that is going through this. You are right--I think I'm relying on someone else making me happy, when I should concentrate on making myself happy first. I take your advice to heart and am so glad you replied!! Thank you.
Darcy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 8:58am

Piano Guy:
At first I was very offended by your message, but then I reflected and am taking your two cents to heart.

Of course there were things I did wrong in the marriage. In fact, I think that was my problem--I have felt extreme guilt over my part and allowed his misbehavior to me and my oldest daughter to happen because I felt I deserved it. I allowed him to clear out bank accounts and leave me penniless when I was married to him because he was mad at me( he did this numerous occasions-- I was a stay at home mom with 3 kids). I allowed him to ignore my oldest daughter for weeks at a time when he was mad at me. I allowed him to call CPS on me because our house way messy because (he was retaliating because, once again, he was mad at me). I felt I honestly deserved it all. He has never taken responsibility for his actions--he just would indicate in counselling that the only blame he has in anything is that he allowed me to treat HIM in ways that were wrong and that he needed to change it by leaving me.

So, yes, I agree with you--I have and have done so for years reflected on things I did wrong so I would not repeat my mistakes. It just is very hard to listen to my 6 year old come home and repeat a very "adult" conversation that his dad had with him on why we are no longer married anymore--which of course--was due to things I had done in the marriage. I think it's also hard to see him so happy and free now because I do solely blame myself for everything. It was not until I got into counselling that the counselor brought up the ex's actions that I just mentioned and made me realize it was not acceptable no matter what I did wrong in the marriage.

The hardest part I've had to deal with is how I feel my "family" is now two separate families. My oldest daughter, who is 12, is from a prior marriage, however, her natural father is not in the picture. My 2nd ex husband raised her as his own since she was 3. In fact, he was in the process of adopting her. We have two kids together, ages 4 & 6. Since April of this year, he decided he wants nothing to do with her, that his obligation lies with his 2 natural children. He comes up to her and does not even say hi. Imagine the pain she endures when this man was her father for 9 years. I mean, what did she ever do to him? Also, it was very confusing to the 4 & 6 year old at first as well, because they just assumed their sister would be included in his life.

I try not to be miserable and negative around my children--I put on a good act. But I admit, most of my feelings are fear that they will believe that his actions are right and ok to their sister and that I am the bad guy.

Just venting---thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 4:05pm
I read piano guys point of view - and I just want him to know that yes some men do just walk out and leave for no reason. My husband was one of them...he left on September 25th and has not been seen since. Well actually if you have followed my posts he has been seen but not by me or my children or any of his family. He has had no contact at all. Last night was senior night at high school and our daughter is a cheerleader. I proudly walked her across the field myself...but it was sad to see all the divorced husbands and wives walk together - yet we aren't even divorced yet and he didn't have the curtosy to even show up. He has gave us no money whatsoever...not one penny...I have had to file for divorce through publication in the local newspaper (which in our small town is something that hasn't been done in YEARS). And I know that all situations are different - but I did want you to know that some men do just leave.......he was a truck driver with about the 200th company - can't keep a job; on drugs and last night was seen in town with a woman that he told a friend of mine was a youngun (now doesn't that sound perverted when you have a 17 year old daughter of your own). Boy that youngun has a prize doesn't she??????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 1:29pm
Your welcome Darcy and you will come across all kinds of views on these boards and some may have different value it really depends on the where your at in your divorce proceedings. I know some times I would be like, what the heck does he or she know about me. They don't know my situation and then I had to realize if they are on this board then at one time or another they must have been in the same situation as I am who am I to knock them? I know that they mean well because this is really a SUPPORT group weather we feel it or not and every one is bind together as sad as it is by the same heart ache. Darcy all I can say is this too shall pass and yes do get counseling even if you do not feel like you need it or can afford it right now there are several groups in the community that offer free counseling just like AA is free to the general public. You will feel better knowing and seeing others like yourself. Yes its not what we want to deal with knowing others have or are feeling our pain. Sounds kind sad but you share your pain I will share mine? But hey if it helps then who cares. I am learning that maybe my whole first marriage wasn't what I thought it was the whole time? It was what some consider a Toxic relationship and I myself see that now and how unhappy I was letting some one elses actions made me when it is MY LIFE. I think that is what your focus was with your ex you were so worried about his life you neglected your own. Well Darcy your past is your past and there is no changing it but the future remains to be seen and you can make better choices and work toward it being fufilled with happiness for you and your children. I remember not too long ago as in a coupld of years my oldest daughter came and said she loves it that she no longer has to worry about seeing me sad because it would make her sick to her stomach worrying about her mom. Children to see stuff us parents think are hidden but I guess like the old saying goes " If mom ain't happy, aint no one happy " boy if that isn't the truth. I wanted my daughter to grow up with a great self esteem unlike mine that made me fall for the first person that gave me attention and to make better choices her self esteem is great and if she doesn't find what I want for her then hey it is her life she has to learn for her self and I just have to be there to listen and love her for who she is. So Darcy take care of YOU first because if don't you are no good to those kids if you are sick and they need you.
Darcy if this is the worst part then I think you have to stop and be thankful because you know after surviving this there has to be something good or better coming after it because you actually took the first step by coming here so I know from experience you will SURVIVE and you will look back at this as another life learning experience.
Try reading the book Co-dependent no more by Melondy Beatty I think that is the author but it is really a good book and from what you posted as I was we both carried the characteristics of a very Co-dependent person.
Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 9:26pm

Darcy,

I can't give you advice, but just HUGS!!! I am so sorry. This is so unbelievably hard. And his attitude toward your oldest daughter is stunning. My heart breaks for you.

I am not objective about any of this, so the less said, the better, but know that I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and I am not far behind you in this painful process.

M