How to tell him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
How to tell him?
4
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 12:36pm
I'm 24 and married for 2.5 years. We've been separated 1 year. I really think he truly doesn't see it coming. I've talked to him about it, and he's willing to stay "together" like this - unhappy, even separated - forever. I'm not. I want a divorce. I know it, but it's taken me a year to be honest with myself. How do I tell him, now that I have really decided? Can I tell him over the phone? Can I tell him in a letter? The idea of going to his place and sitting down and talking about this for hours makes me sick. We've talked and talked. I know myself, and I'll just feel guilty and take it back, and I'll be back at square one. Help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 11:46am

You've been separated for a year?? Why not just tell him "We've been separated for a year and I want to get this done with. I want a divorce". I'd either do it on the phone or in person (not in a letter). Give him your reasons. Practice the speech in your head. Practice answers to questions/rebuttals he may throw out to you. When he starts to give reasons why you shouldn't divorce give him the reasons why you should. If he continues, tell him you've said your peace........


Then seek an atty to file. I'm not sure why it would come as a surprise to him that you want a divorce after living separated for a year......

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 11:27am

Oh, I feel for you! I've just been though this myself. Just last week, in fact, I have a post here about it. I think I titled it "I finally asked him for the divorce" or something like that if you want to look for it. I also agonized over how to tell him. I felt the honorable thing to do was to do it in person but that was making me put it off. My Mom and a good friend kept insisting that there was nothing wrong in doing it over the phone or in a letter. After hearing them both tell me this in the same day and my own agony spurring me on I finally decided on a letter. The reason I chose a letter is because I wanted him to know why I was asking, that I had loved him, and to cover some of the remaining issues we'd need to cover in a divorce, in our case some shared debt and no matter how much you practice or think you are prepared when you talk in person you won't remember or be able to say everything you want to say. I figured I could at least write the thing. I didn't actually have to give it to him after all. I wrote it, took the next day off work and edited it, then sent it to a good friend of mine who was a man and who I felt would have a male perspective on a letter of this kind. He thought it was good, which really helped my confidence. So I wouldn't chicken out I took it over to his house when I knew he wouldn't be there and left it for him. I didn't want to mail or even e-mail it because I didn't want him contacting me anytime before he actually got it. I also wanted him to get it that night because I knew he should have the next morning off to deal with his emotions. If I could have spared him the sleepless night I would have but it was stuff like that which was keeping me from moving forward.

You have had your life on hold for a year. You need to ask him for this any way that you are able. And No - it does not have to be in person. Consider that it might actually be easier on him if it is not. So why don't you write your letter. You can still decide to phone him or go see him, but at least you'll have a better idea of what you need to say. And the fact is, even after you finally say the words "I want a divorce" he may still deny it, he may still fight it. Mine is, but I feel so much better that I have finally gotten the truth out there and I can finally start working for that ending in the open instead of in secret, trying to keep it from him so as not to hurt him (how silly I know, but when you've been responsible for someones well being for so long its hard to let go of that responsibility). If he still doesn't accept it after you've asked, you may have to serve him papers eventually. That is what a friend of mine had to do. You need to take care of yourself, this is YOUR LIFE we're talking about here, do not put it on hold for him any longer, he needs to get started again too, its a shame that he can't see that but its NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY ANYMORE, it ceased to be when you left.

Write your letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 11:03am
Thank you! It turns out we spoke over the phone. He called and could tell I was upset, and basically asked me straight out what was wrong. He's definitely fighting it, but this has happened cyclically...I tell him I want out, he changes for a few days. This time I'm really through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 2:52pm
Here's to both of us sticking to our guns!