How woud handle this?
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| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 2:00pm |
What would you guys do?...I have a 12 almost 13 DD and a 8 yr old DS...Have been divorced for over 4 years now and the ex and I are barely on speaking terms...I try to communicate thru email..but he never responds...also in the middle of custody stuff...which I'm confident will get dropped before ever getting to court (just my ex being a butt and attempting to exert control over me)...Anyways...My 13 yr for the past two months is refusing to go to her dads house...he's been terrible with him..on her constantly about everything under the sun...the music she likes, the clothes she wears, how she does her hair, etc...just terrible things and believe me none of these things are even warrented. This is a straight A student, she is extremely responsible for her age, is very social, very well rounded involved in student council and volleyball, etc....he is just doing anything to drive her away...his moods swings she cannot handle..he goes from showering attention and gifts to completely withdrawing..( i have wondered for years about mental issues with him) but that's another story...his moods is the primary thing that drove me away as well. It's like what he's doing to her...I can sooooo relate to...he did it to me for years...made me feel bad about myself etc.
So, she is just flat out refusing to go anymore...says to me she cannot handle it anymore...the few times she has gone for a night she ends up calling me hysterical that he is screaming at her again and to come get her...he doesn't fight it, he says just go...told me he's washing his hands of her. Never recognizes all the good she does...no good job for straight A's or anything...Meanwhile, he's totally focusing on my DS...showering attention and gifts...this is awful for my DS, she sees what's happening...she says "he's playing favorites" "he does whatever DS wants to do" etc.
I want to write my X an email and try to communicate what this is doing to her...I'm afraid he will see it as an attack on his parenting abilities (which truthfully, I have no respect for). Anyone have suggestions on how to handle this...i am going to get her into counseling before this takes a toll on her acedemics and before she hits these turbulent teen years. But anyone else, been there done that...any advice??

wildfire2005...
Pianoguy was never "blessed" with a daughter. PG has 2 very cool and smart adult sons.
Given the fact that your daughter is changing from a little girl to a young woman and that the hormones are throwing her body out of whack...don't you think it's a better idea to give her a little freedom from Dad?
Therapy for her...and perhaps a little for you...is a great idea! Just remember that there are a lot of men who don't know the right words to say to an impressionable sub-teen or teenage girl? And sometimes...it's better for a Mom to tackle the chore of female child rearing herself?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
No btdt advice, but I think you are right to involve a child psychologist. Probably, if you can pull it off, get *family* therapy lined up--forces father to participate "for the kids' sake." A objective professional can try to set him straight--it doesn't have to come from you.
Also, if that person sees pathology in your X's behavior toward the children she/he can probably help you petition to court for changes in custody permitting your dd to *not* go with Dad and possibly setting restrictions on his conduct with his son.
I don't know if this is possible, but I hope it is.
I am sorry your children are having to go through this.
Btw, there is also a divorce and custody board here at IVillage (at least I think it is called something like that)--that might be a good place to post.
M