how would you handle this
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| Fri, 06-22-2007 - 12:46pm |
i checked my emails this morning when i woke up. one was from my ds (age 15)
it read:
dear mom,
can you and dad please stop talking about each other and leave me out of your problems? it makes me very upset. i love you both, but i am sad. will you forward this on to daddy.
love your son.
ok, did i miss something that happened last night?? my stbx is notorious for calling me, the kids (on our cells) and the home phone after 8:30-9 pm thursday, friday, saturday evenings to check up on me and see where i am. i went out to dinner last night with 2 friends. we stayed for a drink after dinner. i was home by 9:30. i haven't asked ds yet today if his dad called last night and this prompted his email.
i never talk about stbx in front of the kids. well, at least nothing negative. i try to be very conscientious with their feelings. having said that, two weeks ago, ds was going on and on how i ruined his life by leaving his dad, etc... well i did flip out a tad. i told ds that HIS FATHER ruined his life, by drinking to excess and not providing for our family. if i hadn't made other arrangements, ds, dd and i would be living either 1. in our car or 2. with my parents 200 miles away. i did the best i could. ds spent fathers day with stbx and he has been in a funk ever since. ds texted me the entire time he was there, wanting to come home. i made him stay until monday (that was stbx's birthday)
tuesday, ds flipped out about something i cannot recall what. he called his dad and said he wanted to come live with him for the remainder of the summer. i was shocked, but told ds and stbx that it was fine with me, but ds has summer school and needs to be at the hs at 7:15 am and picked up at 12:30 pm everyday from june 25-aug 3. of course stbx cannot do this as he lives an hour away, so ds is content to stay with me for now.
i am afraid of stbx. he harasses me terribly whenever i make him mad and he drinks excessively. he calls me names, threatens me, etc..... i don't want to start a fight, but i also don't want him to continue to do whatever it is he is doing to make ds feel this way. (i'm not sure i even realize if i am doing something to ds, i honestly try not to.)
give me some btdt advice ladies. i could use it.
what
Edited 6/22/2007 12:46 pm ET by whatabadidea

I was guilty of this sin myself. My ex got by with out paying child support. I was very poor. I couldn't even afford a car. He stole a car from me. So some times when I was walking to the store I would make snide remarks.
You really have to think about every remark you make. What we understand as a comment, they take it as a jab.
My maternal Grandmother used to make remarks about my Dad all the time until my Grandpa told her to knock it off.
Hope this helps to answer some of your questions.
I am SO SO sorry. No btdt, just hugs all around. Sigh. If nothing else, start from here and go forward with renewed commitment to give lots of love and affirmation to ds and say ... I dunno ... nothing at all about his father ????
I know it is hard; w/o really realizing I am still doing a lot of sniping about (not at) stbx. Legitimate complaints, mind you, but I think they are gonna need to cease completely!
Wonder if I can do it.
Hope you can help your son. At least he is communicating openly with you. That is HUGE! Keep those lines open!!
M
I agree with other posters to try to be very sensitive and self-reflecting and honest about what your ds might be responding to, but how about a response like:
"I really appreciate your email ds. This must be so hard for you to feel torn between your father and me. I would also be having a hard time in your shoes. I want to help you and I will do my best to make things easier for you by doing what you've asked. Please let me know and talk to me if I can do anything else to help - or even to explain to me if things I say or do upset you. I want you to know you can talk to me and we can communicate about difficult subjects because you are so important to me."
Your ds is obviously in a difficult spot and I think it's very positive he has reached out to you to say so - take it as that and respond in kind.
Very best to you!
Just put simply, no pressure, but lets him know you're trying. :)
((hugs))