how would you handle this

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
how would you handle this
5
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 12:46pm

i checked my emails this morning when i woke up. one was from my ds (age 15)

it read:

dear mom,

can you and dad please stop talking about each other and leave me out of your problems? it makes me very upset. i love you both, but i am sad. will you forward this on to daddy.

love your son.

ok, did i miss something that happened last night?? my stbx is notorious for calling me, the kids (on our cells) and the home phone after 8:30-9 pm thursday, friday, saturday evenings to check up on me and see where i am. i went out to dinner last night with 2 friends. we stayed for a drink after dinner. i was home by 9:30. i haven't asked ds yet today if his dad called last night and this prompted his email.

i never talk about stbx in front of the kids. well, at least nothing negative. i try to be very conscientious with their feelings. having said that, two weeks ago, ds was going on and on how i ruined his life by leaving his dad, etc... well i did flip out a tad. i told ds that HIS FATHER ruined his life, by drinking to excess and not providing for our family. if i hadn't made other arrangements, ds, dd and i would be living either 1. in our car or 2. with my parents 200 miles away. i did the best i could. ds spent fathers day with stbx and he has been in a funk ever since. ds texted me the entire time he was there, wanting to come home. i made him stay until monday (that was stbx's birthday)

tuesday, ds flipped out about something i cannot recall what. he called his dad and said he wanted to come live with him for the remainder of the summer. i was shocked, but told ds and stbx that it was fine with me, but ds has summer school and needs to be at the hs at 7:15 am and picked up at 12:30 pm everyday from june 25-aug 3. of course stbx cannot do this as he lives an hour away, so ds is content to stay with me for now.

i am afraid of stbx. he harasses me terribly whenever i make him mad and he drinks excessively. he calls me names, threatens me, etc..... i don't want to start a fight, but i also don't want him to continue to do whatever it is he is doing to make ds feel this way. (i'm not sure i even realize if i am doing something to ds, i honestly try not to.)

give me some btdt advice ladies. i could use it.

what




Edited 6/22/2007 12:46 pm ET by whatabadidea
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 1:17pm
Wow. Well let's see. I am from a divorced family and I was divorced. With kids. What you say is not what they hear. Do you talk to friends or family when you are sure they are not listening? You will need a lead lined room that is completely sound proof. Even if you are sure they are sleeping. Do you say, even lovingly, you remind me so much of your Dad. They can take this the wrong way. i.e. You are mad at Dad so you must be mad at me. My mother to this day tells me I look just like my Dads mother. She hated her and she was probably the uglyist woman god ever put on this earth. (Think Sitting Bull) plus she had skin tags all over her face. That is what I see when she says that.
I was guilty of this sin myself. My ex got by with out paying child support. I was very poor. I couldn't even afford a car. He stole a car from me. So some times when I was walking to the store I would make snide remarks.
You really have to think about every remark you make. What we understand as a comment, they take it as a jab.
My maternal Grandmother used to make remarks about my Dad all the time until my Grandpa told her to knock it off.
Hope this helps to answer some of your questions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 10:49pm

I am SO SO sorry. No btdt, just hugs all around. Sigh. If nothing else, start from here and go forward with renewed commitment to give lots of love and affirmation to ds and say ... I dunno ... nothing at all about his father ????

I know it is hard; w/o really realizing I am still doing a lot of sniping about (not at) stbx. Legitimate complaints, mind you, but I think they are gonna need to cease completely!
Wonder if I can do it.

Hope you can help your son. At least he is communicating openly with you. That is HUGE! Keep those lines open!!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:49pm

I agree with other posters to try to be very sensitive and self-reflecting and honest about what your ds might be responding to, but how about a response like:

"I really appreciate your email ds. This must be so hard for you to feel torn between your father and me. I would also be having a hard time in your shoes. I want to help you and I will do my best to make things easier for you by doing what you've asked. Please let me know and talk to me if I can do anything else to help - or even to explain to me if things I say or do upset you. I want you to know you can talk to me and we can communicate about difficult subjects because you are so important to me."

Your ds is obviously in a difficult spot and I think it's very positive he has reached out to you to say so - take it as that and respond in kind.

Very best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 3:45pm
I would say something like- Thank you for bringing this up to me, I'm sorry if I ever said/did anything that hurt you, and I will try my best to do better. If you ever need to say anything else, please know you can ALWAYS tell me.
Just put simply, no pressure, but lets him know you're trying. :)
((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:13pm
May I suggest Al-Anon for you and Al-Ateen for the kids? Al-Anon has really helped me - starting back when I was still with my alcoholic husband - and still even now that we have split. Hang in there!!!