How would you react?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
How would you react?
7
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:15pm

Last night, H and I went to have sex and we came across a problem. 2 condoms that I knew were in night stand drawer have mysteriously disappeared. Before I even jumped on his case he automatically went into defense mode. He swears up and down that we had used them but I am positive that we didn't. Even had the nerve to turn the whole situation on me and that I must be the one cheating. This is not the 1st time his fidelity to me has been in question. FYI He had kissed a girl, lied to me about it when caught, only to admit it to me 2 yrs after we were married that it did in fact happen. In my shoes, how would you react? Divorce, let it go and just assume it's paranoia, etc.

I just want to make sure that I am not the one that is imagining all types of scenerios because I am so paranoid as he so kindly put it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:21pm
It sounds like you have reason to be suspicious, but I wouldn't automatically jump to divorced based on a suspicion. It's hard to know without being in your shoes or at least knowing more about the situation. How long have you been married? Is your marriage happy? Have you ever gone to counseling? Are there any other problems in addition to trust issues? Do you feel you can let it go? Are there any other explanations for how the condoms disappeared or could you be wrong about them being there?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:28pm
I am not happy in the marriage because there isn't any trust in it. I can almost tell you with 98% certainty that they were there. He says they weren't or then our 15 month old daughter must have taken them. That was the best part of the conversation last night. How our 15 month old must have taken them. I don't know what I am going to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 11:30pm
Have you tried counseling? Or hiring a private investigator to find out once and for all if he's cheating? Personally I'd rather know for sure.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 6:00pm

What a prize this man is - blaming a child? That is a big red flag, plus just plain reprehensible. Sounds like he's trying to blow smoke up your you-know-where.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 6:19pm

The heck with a private investigator. I caught my STBX myself. Get copies of the bank account statement, look for strange withdrawls. Get/borrow a digital camera, take photos of anything suspicious. Get copies of any cell phone bills, in detail. Learn how to check his call logs and phone book on his cell phone if he has one. If you have a hard time getting a hold of it, all men shower sometime... Check the incoming calls, outgoing calls and phone book, write down any suspicious numbers. Either call them later when you have privacy or check them online at your local telephone company's site or phone book site under the "reverse directory" where you can plug in the number and the name address pops up. Remember to also check his text message inbox & outbox. This seems to be the new trend with cheaters, they text message each other. (Found that out by dating a man I didn't know was married. When I asked why he always sent me text messages instead of calling, he said he didn't want his wife to hear him talk or to find the number, but she never thought of the text message box. She does now, if you know what I mean.) When you get in the house after he has been at home alone, pick up the phone and hit "redial". If you end up calling, for instance, your mom, you can have a nice chat. If not, you may just hit pay dirt. Otherwise, a simple "sorry, wrong number" will do... If he uses a computer at home, install a tracker - go to a software store, they are pretty affordable. Or simply check his list of "favorite sites", his cache (of pages recently visited) and his incoming outgoing e-mail. If you have a second vehicle, follow him. Or get a trusted friend/family member to do so. Works especially well if you can pick up his tail after he leaves work and tells you he will be late, or says he is "going out for a few hours". Bring the digital camera. Resist the temptation to run him over with the car should you catch him at it. ;)

Good luck.

PS. If your daughter was 15, not 15months, I'd say maybe.




Edited 7/25/2005 6:26 pm ET ET by browngirlie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 8:11pm
Excellent advice.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 7:08pm
Thanks, I will keep all that into consideration. I am just playing it by ear and keeping to myself, which drives him crazy because he has no idea what's going on in my head. Thanks to everyone.