Hows this note to ex re parenting time..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Hows this note to ex re parenting time..
6
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:45pm

I sent ex this note:

(insert ex name here),

I just wanted to clarify parenting time once more to avoid any problems:

I know we both want to do some fun things with the kids this summer, so our mutual flexibility is of course a given. But, as we decided, my parenting time is from Tuesday evenings at 6pm to Sunday mornings at 9am. I will be sure during those times to make arrangements for the children to get to and from school, extra curricular activities, eat well, clean clothes, be available if they are sick at school, doctors appts… parent them. During the summer hours I will make arrangements so that they are not alone in the house more than a couple of hours if necessary. I will set up arrangements so that they can go to friends, neighbors, family, camp….

Your parenting time is from Sunday at 9am to Tuesday at 6pm. Of course, your responsibilities during that time are the same as mine.

I can be flexible with the schedule, but I do need advance notice. The more notice you give the more likely I will have not already made plans or my plans will still be changeable.

Thanks so much,
Jan

Sound okay?

He showed up 1 hour and 15 mintues late today for pick up.......hmmmmmm..... He is still sticking to the plan that his parents will be taking care of the kids for 48 out of the 57 hours of parenting time he gets per week this week. Wonder how this summer is going to go? arghhhh...

I know, I know I cant force him to spend time with his children. But, why does he sit there and fight for all this parenting time, accuse me of keeping his children from him, make my life miserable in the divorce proceedings when we ALL know that he has never been and probably never will be an involved father? One would think if you go out make children then decide you really dont want to take the time to raise them, you'd be pretty happy that you have another parent that does and IS willing to.

Oh well, by the Grace of God go I.

Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 1:48pm
I think you wrote it well. My ex husband, the father of my older two boys was never involved with them. That was part of the reason I divorced him. Both of my boys were under the age of two at that time. During the seven months it took to finalize the thing he kept fighting for custody and lots of visitation. You know what, he never followed through. Once the divorce was final he never called, he only saw them twice a year when I allowed the boys to visit with his parents. So maybe if you can make it through all this crap he will just fade a way over time. Good luck.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 1:58pm

Well fighting for time with his children is his right. Whether he spends the time with them or his parents spend time with them is not for us to say I guess. But maybe he feels that if he didn't fight for the time, he'd never have a leg to stand on to have ANY time. I think this is what most fathers are afraid of because you hear so many horror stories out there about fathers getting NO time with his kids. What he chooses to do with his time is another story all together.

I wouldn't question it. Just you let him do what he will with his time, as long as the children are taken care of and are with responsible adults and are enjoying their time with their grandparents or their dad that's all that really matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 2:25pm

I think the letter is great, Jan. Very matter-of-fact; not at all accusatory. I would make one small change:



I would be much more specific. I know to my ex, advance notice means five minutes! I would change it to something along these lines: I can be flexible with the schedule, but would ask that you give me a minimum of 24 hours notice if you need to make a change.


Overall, very good letter. I would also copy your lawyer as well.




Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 5:17pm

I know its his right, I guess my point is.... I try to plan my life around this new schedule. For example, I had my sister over this morning because I Had no idea what time stbx would really show up to pick up the kids and I had to be out early to go to a marathon. Last w/e he didnt even show up until 12:30pm.

A few weeks from now some friends want me to go out on their boat. Can I plan on it? Will he show up? Do I tell them yes? Do I hire a babysitter? (which the kids don't like) Do I make arrangements for them to go to friends and say "well that sif their dad doesnt show up"?....

I know I am new to this and things will start to have some continuity, but it can be very frustrating. I was never fighting my stbx about having tiem with them. I just knew that he would never exercise it and I would be required to plan as though he would and when he doesnt show up or he cancels at the last minute I will have to make constant adjustments. I guess I'm not the only one going thru it, but I'm just trying to set it up now so that it is not a constant sore in my thumb.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 5:51pm

I wouldn't wait for him, if he's going to be late than I would leave. I don't think you are required to reschedule your things for him. I don't know this is something I think you should ask your lawyer in regards to his time and scheduling, If there is a set time he needs to pick up the children, if he is going to be late within a certain time he needs to call and inform you and that has to be determined ahead of time or else don't schedule something within 2 hours of his pick up time. I don't know. But if he's suppose to pick up the kids at 3 and he's not there by 4 then I would leave and take the kids with me or drop them off at their grandparents and go do what you want and when he comes and the kids aren't there say, well we waited until 4, you were suppose to get them at 3, you didn't call or anythign and I had things to do.

I would speak to your lawyer about that, and tell him that you are waiting 1-2 hours past designated times and ask him how long are you required to wait for him to pick them up with no call because you have plans. Find out from him what is required by law so that YOU aren't violating the agreements and go by that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 6:26pm

OMG I hear you homeseller! I can never make plans on the days he's supposed to pick up the kids. If he knows I've got something going on he'll go out of his way to be late. I got smart and started taking the kids to his house at the time he was supposed to pick them up and left my oldest (15 year-old) to babysit my 8-year-old, so that the ex had no choice but to show up on time. I called him on his cell to let him know that the oldest was babysitting and that I was on my way to where I was going. He was sooooo angry and called me every name in the book. I could tell by his anger that he had been planning on showing up late. LOL.

With our new parenting schedule he picks up my youngest on his nights at the sitter's house and that includes Fridays so that he HAS to be on time. If it's my day off I spend time with them in the afternoons and then take her to the sitter when it's his pick up time.