Hurting & can't understand why.. please help me figure it out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2013
Hurting & can't understand why.. please help me figure it out
Sat, 02-16-2013 - 2:42pm

i just left my husband in January.. after leaving i felt relief we have argued daily for the past three years.. i was very unhappy and he was as well. we both have our fault but it was time for me to move on. i felt like i had no marriage and was alone.. i'm hurting right now and can't figure out why.. he asked to reconcile but i just feel like there was so much damage done in 14years that it was to late and couldn't be fixed. i felt alone, disrespect, he was always lying to me (he just didn't tell me about it.his definition), i felt unappreciated and used by him. i finally told him to move on with his life and start over because that what i was doing as well.. well two days ago i found out that he was with his ex girlfriend that he was with before we met and that they are getting married 5/15/13. i always knew that he talked to her and it was never anything disrespectful. This news for some reason has really gotten under my skin and has me feeling down.. he posting things that are very hurtful as if i was a horrible wife and never showed him any love.... can some one please help me with what going on with me.... i left so why am i hurting about this bullshit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

In general men DO NOT handle rejection well at all (you left him) Their male ego and pride get in the way and they tend to move on a lot faster than women do. They also don't handle being alone well for very long because they need sex, validation, and someone to fuss over them.That's why when a man becomes divored or widowed you will often hear he's dating or already in a serious relationship within a few months after his wife separates from him or passes away. 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

The biggest "surprise" for the person who leaves a marriage is that they too feel grief and loss over the end. That's where you are, and, you are getting a double whammy because he literally took you at your word "move on" and did!

Both men and women handle rejection differently. You may have emotionally left your marriage years ago but the actual leave-taking is heart-wrenching. You're doing the proper thing by mourning the loss of your marriage. Moving on for you means processing that loss, doing some work on yourself, and discovering who you now want to be.

You could also do what your STBX is doing: jump right into another serious relationship. In his case, I hope the divorce is final by his chosen wedding date, or as Musiclover has pointed out, it won't be a legal bond, just a ceremony for show. He'll have to wait til the ink is dry on your divorce agreement to be "officially married" probably at the courthouse.

I don't advise you take your STBX's path. All he's doing is finding a placeholder. He will likely be just as unhappy with her as he was with you because he didn't do any work on himself (and doesn't want to) and he'll go another round with an unhappy marriage. The only person whose a bigger fool than he is, is the woman he's marrying.

This will take time. Divorce is like a death without a funeral. You'll have to find you own way of processing your loss and finding a new path. Don't try to hurry it. A year from now you'll be in a better place and happier. (And I'm betting you'll be hearing EX's new marriage isn't any better than the last.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2013

He still loves you and is hurting too.  If he didn't still care about you, he wouldn't bother posting things about you and he would just move on with his life with his ex-girlfriend. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

How can your husband be getting married if he is still married to you??

Other than that I am thinking your husband was not the man you thought he was and you are now hurting because you loved him and took the marriage vows seriously...but he had a different concept of marriage..

I would most likely be also getting a divorce and getting some counseling and take care of yourself first and whatever that entails.. Support groups, counseling and re connecting with friends and family....

If you feel so much better without him then that is a sign that you are better off although it hurts that is natural as you most likely loved him and one cant just turn their feelings off so quickly for someone no matter who or what they were or did...

Its going to take time and patience and help to move on and forward into a better life without your husband.. There are few books you cn read and come back to ivillage for support and love yourself first...