husband and bf betrayal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
husband and bf betrayal
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 6:40pm

hey sorry about the 1st post, i was in complete shock this morning, and i didnt sleep at all.


where do i start.


my h and i have been separated for 2 months now due to my infidelities, he has told me he is not ready to deal with this yet, he hasnt told his family we are separated the only one who knows is his brother who told him of my 1st infidelty, which happened when we were first dating, when confronted i came clean and also told him of ons i had.not so quick to do so with that,it took me about a week to come clean, i know how wrong i was in all this, i have told him numerous times how sorry i am and how i am committed to our marriage,he refused counseling so i go weekly by myself to help me try to figure out why i did these things to him, and us.


heres where it gets strange, i only have been talking to my bf and sister about this, but i stopped talking to my sister b/c i did not want her to harbor any hard feelings against him as she defends her younger sister, my bf stopped calling me about the time my h moved out and i really didnt call her,i am in a slump and thought she just was sick of hearing about my woes or she was angry with me for my accusations i made to my h,


i did accuse my h of sleeping with her because of my own insecurities and i ,(i dont want this to sound like an excuse,but in therapy i am realizing that maybe subconsciensly i distanced myself from woman i never had my gf growing up,b/c at a young age my father was sleeping w. my moms bf and he used me as an excuse to find time w/her..i revealed this to my mom at probaly age 6-7 innocently i asked why daddy makes me wait in the hall when he kisses amber goodnight, amber was this womans dog,and my mom broke down in tears and they separated,later got back together but infidelty was always an issue with my parents growing up) i have asked my h numerous times in the last few weeks if he has heard from my bf, and he told me no, but last night he tells me they spent the weekend together at his place and he tried to kiss her, he was planning a retaliation,but she denied him this, but went on to feed into his doubts that i have not been forthright in all of this, once i came clean about the other onss, i have been completely honest with him,she downright lied to him,and of course he cant believe me and i cannot defend myself because he refuses to tell me what she told him,so i have no clue what he wants me to be saying he just tells me, you know what u need to tell, i told him everything,she was just feeding him lies off the things i told her he was already questioning, how do i defend myself.


i have been warned from numerous people she always had an agenda but i gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking they dont know her like i do and i brushed my insecurities away, this is the one girl i truly opened up to as a friend, i thought she had a heart of gold dispite her way of living, i just figured she had a rough route and was dealing with it the best way she knew how.she is currently separated from her h, who cheated on her, she is the one who convinced me to be completely honest w. my h,i was terrified to do this and she said all the right things and made me realize i needed to tell him, but now i am thinking she didnt have our best interests at heart here.


she will not take any of my calls, my h told me she is away for training for a job so i dont know if i was expectiong her to call me,but i called her numerous times today and not once did she answer but she did call my h today to see what was going on, i left her some messages i am not proud of,but i was running off pure emotion and not thinking rationally.


i want nothing more than my marriage to work, i know its a lil too late but nonetheless i told him i will try to save this for our sake and for our childrens sake, he is the only man i ever loved and i dont understand why i did this to him


am i justified in feeling this betrayed by him,he would have slept with her if she didnt refused,i know i should be mad at her but i am just in such shock that i am feeling mad at him too, the only reason he told about hanging out with her because he wanted me to confess to things i have no clue about and he had to tell me in order to confront me,he says he didnt tell me because he didnt want to hear my bitch ,