Husband decided he doesn't love me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Husband decided he doesn't love me
10
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 6:31am
This is my first post here. I'm feeling a million different emotions right now. My husband started to go out a few weeks ago for hours. He would go to get gas in the car and be gone for hours. Then it was to drop my daughter off at a friends and come back 3-4 hours later. We finally had it out last night and he told me he didn't love me like a wife. He said he loved me dearly as a "family member", but not as a spouse. He said he never did. I find this out after almost 20 year of marriage. He had issues in the past and got himself together and through it all, I stood by his side. Now this. I don't know what to do. I did tell him this morning that he needed to go get his act together and that in the process I was moving on with my life. Now I have to tell my 15 year old daughter that the family she adores is splitting. He's been a great dad and a good husband. To top it all off, I bought him his motorcycle that he's been wanting for years a month ago. Now I am stuck with a motorcycle I'm going to have a hard time getting rid of and a house payment I don't know if I can afford on my own. He's put me into quite a pickle. He's brought me down before, both emotionally and financially, but he seemed to get his act together over the past 10 years and we were doing so well. I'm not sure what happened, but I'm feeling very numb and sad right now. I read many of the posts here and figured most of you would understand what I was going through. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 10:12am

First off, I'm new here too, but wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I have only been married 6 years but thought I too was married to a great husband and father to my daughters. He too decided a couple of months ago out of the blue that he loved me as a "friend". I found out some time later that he had in fact cheated on me once. I am also 6 months pregnant as well with a baby we planned this year. So I understand being in a pickle too. We're left to deal with everything emotionally, financially and physically. I have also stood by my husband through tough times such as college at night, being out of work and transitioning from the military. None of it seems to matter now.

I'm sending you some prayers and strength!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:06pm

Wow! It seems like we're living in the same nightmare. You can see my post from just a few days ago. I still can't believe this is happening. Doesn't it feel unreal when you didn't see it coming and it's only him that wants to end things?

I have a 15 year-old daughter and he told her yesterday that he was unhappy and that he wants mommy to move out so the two of them can have the house. Why does he get to keep his life and I lose everything? I saw a lawyer just to protect myself and to see what my options are. My last few days were begging him to reconsider and telling him that he can love me again and that I can change. Today, I'm just hoping to make it out of this without losing my mind along with everything else.

I wish you the best of luck as I think these boards help in getting things out of our heads and knowing that we're not alone in this. Other women have gotten through this and I know we can too -- even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 1:31pm

Just hugs.

What still surprises me is how so many of these scenarios sound like more or less the same guy is participating in them. I really don't like gender stereotyping, but wow, their ability to disengage and really really wound other people in pursuit of their own selfish desires ...

The part of your story that really resonates with me is the financial and emotional propping up and the really good dad pieces -- I have carried my spouse through alot and know he is flushing himself down the financial (and I think possible psychological) toilet. And he is a good dad -- my poor kids (5 and 6 yo dds).

I am just so sorry to know yet another person is going through this. Please stick around. I really appreciate as many voices on the board as possible.

Take care of you by taking steps (I should have a macro that spits out my now standard "to do" list), first of which is find an attorney and make sure you know what your assets are. As for the motorcycle--oh, just let him have it as a parting gift -- you can trade it for something you really want that is "joint."

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 5:50pm

I know how you feel my xhusband,of 16 years told me the same thing. I remember those words so clearly, like it was just yesterday. He left me with 3 kids, one was just a week old baby. I also stood by his side when he was going thru issues, and it was hell, but I stood by his side. He told me that he no longer loved me, and that I was not a good wife to him. I also later found out that he had met someone, and it was my fault. Since I was not a good lovely wife to him, I led him to another womens arms. Its been a year and a half now. Never thought I can live without him, since he was my first love. Well I made it, and I will keep on going. I do have my days, that I fall, but you have to pick yourself up and keep on going. My xhusband and I can't even talk right now, its like we have became strangers to one another. And yes he has regretted all his wrong doing. He even wanted to come back home, not to long ago. To much hurt has been done and said. And even tho I still love him, I know it would be wrong to let him back in. I can go on and on. You stay strong, you will be fine. Your kids will be ok also. If you need to talk am a good listener, you can email me anytime. Time heals the pain.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 7:31pm
Thank you all for your support. I spoke with my daughter tonight and then asked her what she was feeling. She told me she was in shock and didn't know what to feel. I know where she's coming from. I did speak with him today and he told me that he was sorry but he just wasn't 'in' to me. Wow is this hard. I'm feeling so many emotions all at one time. I also foolishly gave up my friends 20 years ago to be his wife. And I had alot of friends. Now I'm feeling very lonely. I do have 2 good friends who have been talking with me and trying to cheer me up, but I think this will take a very long time to get over. I kind of feel like I will never recover from this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:21pm

Its ok to feel the way you are feeling. I still feel that way, at times. My mind just wonders when am alone, all the should have's. You did nothing wrong, its like these men have no heart. I keep asking myself how can he do this to me, to the kids. He told me that he wanted to live the rest of his life happy, and happy was not with me. Well you know what, it slapped him in the face, because nothing seems to be going right for him. He has asked me for forgiveness. When he wanted to come back home, I couldn't get the words out to say, yes. I told him I was not the women he left, and am stronger now. I will make it without him. Everyone tells me you have to move on, but you know words are easy to say, its hard when your going threw it. And I feel like no one understands me, if they have not worn the shoes, themself. Stay strong, you will get threw it, it may not seem like it right now, but you will. Let him go and find out the grass may not be greener on the other side. Its ok to cry, how can you not. Being single is not that bad after all. It may be lonely at times, but it does have its advantages. Don't worry much you will be, ok.
Us, women are strong,and we tend to pull threw. You can email me anytime.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 10:12pm
I just wanted to say AMEN.......to the last post!!!! No one seems to really understand this situation until and unless they have been through it. I never thought I would put up with what I have but I wanted to save my family. I loved and love my husband even when he doesn't love me. I'm working on that but when you're caught off guard, how can you feel any different? Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for support too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 10:57am

M--

<<<<<<<>>>>>>

i have no problem with gender stereotyping. unless junk, weaker sex. that is why we give birth and deal with all the crap.

just my two cents

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:28pm

I think if your husband is disappearing for 3-4 hours a night and suddenly doesn't "love you" there may be a 3rd party involved.

My exhusband did almost the identical thing to me, he would disappear for hours claiming to be bowling or somewhere else and then one night decided he no longer loved me and hadn't in 2 years but this was the first I had heard of it and he actually was having an affair.

Hugs I am sorry. But know this, I know that this is a really difficult time and you can't see that you will ever survive this, but you will, there is another side and you will be okay.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:58pm

Wow, we are in the same boat. I've been married 15 years and about 6 months ago, my husband told me he was done. He said he didn't feel love for me anymore and I was devastated, shocked and felt disgusting. He moved to the basement for about a month. That was torture for our family. I have a 13 and 8 year old. It was confusing for the kids to see dad downstairs and hell for me because he would come and go as he pleased and come home late at night. I told him to move out completely. So, he did for a brief time and begged to come back home. We never had issues of cheating, drinking or drugs - but he does suffer from depression. I felt emotionally abused most of our marriage. He's high maintenance and a know-it-all. I was invisible in this marriage. He never heard me speak. My opinion usually never counted. I was used to it. I learned to live with it. Anyway, I did end up taking him back. He said he did love me and he wanted to give it another shot. My gut told me "NO" - how can you love someone one month and not the next? Well, our reconciliation only lasted two months. Back to square one. I've called a lawyer and just yesterday we signed papers. I'm scared. I have no idea what I'm doing. I never wanted a divorce - but I'm sick of being a ping pong ball. He finally decided he didn't love me and that's that. Now, I'm taking control of this crazy ride and ending it. I love my kids so much. They are my life. But, a loveless marriage is bad for them to grow up in. I feel I have what it takes to raise happy healthy kids. My husband had his good moments and he's a good father. I feel lucky for that. He also has a good job and will do his part for the kids. You hang in there. Just be strong. Go with your gut and try to keep your heart under control. That's been my biggest challenge. I wish you all the best and if it's meant to be - it will be.

L