Husband filed for divorce this morning because I cheated on him

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Husband filed for divorce this morning because I cheated on him
15
Mon, 01-20-2014 - 11:45am

My husband of 14.5 years filed for divorce this morning because I told him that I had an affair.  I feel like crap for what I did to that poor man.  He didn't deserve this at all and I feel like a complete loser for cheating on him in the first place.  I admit I screwed up so bad that there is no going backwards now.  I dug my own grave.  If anyone is even considering cheating on their spouse please don't do it.  Just get divorced first before you go sleeping with someone else.  Trust me it isn't worth it and you will loose your entire family and any self respect you might have for yourself.  I'm in a really bad place right now but I know I deserve all the bad that is coming my way. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

You have learned your lesson.It sounds like you will never do something like this again.You have taken full responsibility for your actions and you sound very remorseful.So after you told your husband you cheated on him...how soon did he file for the divorce?Was it the next day or a few weeks later?

All you can do now is to learn from this and move on.We all have done things in our lives but not all of us actually learn from our mistakes.You did.I'm sure you will never do it again.Good luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

(((((hugs))))))

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

There is no point in beating yourself up.  It serves no purpose.  Now is the time to plan out your life.  There are things to do now.  You must make plans for you to move on.  To obtain the things that you need.   Survival is the primary consideration.  All other matters are of little importance and wallowing in self pity is a luxury you cannot afford.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I hope that if your DH did this soon after being told about the affair that he might change his mind if he feels that you are truly sorry.  I know it would be hard but some marriages can be repaired after an affair.  I wish the people on the affair boards who are contemplating starting affairs would think about the consequences if they are found out.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Music, I don't know how the people IN affairs think they're not going to get found out.  All they talk about is how they spend ALL DAY texting and talking to the person they are cheating with; how they go away together, how all they can think about is the other cheater.  What in God's name are their CHILDREN and their JOBS, to say nothing of their families, doing while all this is going on?  Do they TRULY think no one notices their self-absorbed behavior?  How do they get anything done?  If they put one ONCE of the energy they are putting in cheating, into working on their marriage, they might work things out.  And if the marriage IS unfixable, why make a liar and a cheat of yourself, humiliate yourself and expose yourself AND your FAMILY--NOT JUST YOUR UNSUSPECTING SPOUSE-- to dread disease??  Why ignore your children and cheat your boss?  It isn't even about morality--it's about being honest, civil, and a decent human.  Surely they can wait till they get divorced and move on with an honest life!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013

My soon to be ex husband didn't catch me cheating...I confessed and told him about my affair.  I have broken that man into pieces and I hope that one day he will find it in his heart to forgive me.  I actually told him in late October about my affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think there are ways not to get found out if you are careful.  I only found out that my ex cheated on me because he told me--I was never suspicious because I assumed that he had good character.  however, it was a very short term thing and those were the days before cell phones, internet and email--so it's much easier to catch someone now.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Your best hope is that he will change his mind. But in general men ARE NOT as willing to forgive an affair because it really damages their male pride that their wife or gf would sleep with another man. I also don't believe in confessing a first affair because it will hurt the other spouse terribly, and severely damage the marriage in most cases. As a betrayed spouse myself, I would have rather he ended it on his own and I would have never found out, unless of course he was a serial cheater that's different. I believe in forgiving cheating once and after that I'm out of there. Hopefully he will eventually forgive you. Good Luck.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Lostsoul, I'm sorry that things have turned out this way.  Obviously you now realize you made a terrible decision.

We all deserve to face the consequences of our actions, but don't let your guilt swindle you.  Your statement "I deserve all the bad that is coming my way" can make your life even worse.  If you go into divorce proceedings with that attitude, you are handing your husband and his lawyer a whip and saying, "Beat me, take everything, I'm not worthy," and they will do it.  And you will regret that even more than your affair, especially if child custody becomes a power play.

You made a decision here, but so did your husband.  Not everyone thinks infidelity is sufficient reason to end a marriage and a family.  I worked with a man who confessed to one affair early in his marriage, which his wife forgave him for, and then two more later on, which amazingly she also forgave him for.  That was her decision; your husband made a different one.  Don't let your self-recrimination prevent you from moving on with your life.  Make sure you have both a therapist and a good lawyer. And don't give up hope.  There is always hope for your life to get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Why in the world would you tell him, if he was blissfully unaware of what you'd done.  Cheaters say they can't stand being dishonest, but in reality, they can't stand FEELING dishonest, and they tell the husband or wife so that someone else can suffer too.  They need to share the guilt, and in your case, it backfired.  There are some states that require counseling before a divorce is granted.....maybe your state is one of them.  Have you ever talked to your husband about WHY you did it?  Was he ignoring you?  Are there children involved?  Divorce isn't always the answer......and as you now know, neither is an affair.  Until the divorce is final, you're not divorced,and maybe there is some way you can work things out.  Good Luck!

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