Husband filing for divorce-need guidance

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Husband filing for divorce-need guidance
14
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 8:58pm
Hi
I'll start off my intro by explaining that just 3 weeks ago I was on the trying to conceive boards. My husband and I had an argument last Sat. night because I wanted him to spend time with me and our daughter since we had not spent time together all week (I work full time and go to school to get my BA- very busy. He teaches so he's off for the summer).He got upset because he wanted to watch a football game with his brother then go to watch a UFC fight at someone else's house. Anyhow, he left and didn't come back til the next afternoon, granted I told him on Sat. night I didn't want to see him, but still no calls or anything. When I get home I blew up told him I was fed up and wanted a divorce. Of course I didn't but I was so frustrated at his lack of care. We had a big argument. He tried to take the computer and when I tried to retrieve it he yanked it from me (I know-childish on both parts), scraping my arms and leaving bruises. After he left we continued to argue via text messages, we said some pretty bad things, but by the nighttime I had cooled off. I told him it was ridiculous and asked him to come home. He said he was done. We have continued to fight and he hired a lawyer on Tuesday. Of course his parents support all this and gave him the $3000 for the retainer. I've always gotten this vibe that his mom wanted me out of the picture- why else would they send him $3000 and not even encourage a reconciliation. Anyhow, I apologized for everything and repeatedly asked him to come back, even asking him to at least try counseling. He refuses and I get this feeling that I know him well enough that he has it in his head that his parents gave him the money so he really can't back down. Anyhow, I'm beyond devastated and shocked. We have been married 5 years and we are a couple who rarely fought but when we did it was bad- we're both admittedly stubborn. His recent behavior is so out of character. He got a coaching job and suddenly he was all about that. I have been experiencing so many emotions- anger, disappointment, sadness, fear. I can't stomach the idea that we will likely have shared custody and that I will miss any part of my daughter's upbringing. It seems so unfair. I also now face life on my $1200 a month salary in which I will have to find a place to rent, pay bills and also a $400 car payment for a car we bought 3 weeks ago! Yet he told me he was done a long time ago! If he was, why did he saddle me with that? And why were we just trying to get pregnant? I feel like this person I knew, I don't really know at all. When he told me he had hired a lawyer, it was the worst hurt and pain I have ever felt- does it seem like betrayal because that's what it feels like it is. How do you cope? How do you keep your cool? Do I need a lawyer? Will I ever get over this hurt? I can't tell you how much I need the support of the women on these boards.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Sat, 08-16-2008 - 7:39am

Hi Mandi,


Get a lawyer immediately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sat, 08-16-2008 - 12:12pm

Definitely get an attorney right away.

Realize that you will make it through this. Many women don't have even a job when they divorce, so you're ahead of the game that way. If you're going to be the custodian you are going to be entitled to child support which is based on guidelines and is basically not something that is negotiable. Depending on how long you've been married you may be able to get alimony until you finish school.

You can do this, and you should do this, if anyone is going to act so wishy as your husband then he has no idea what he wants or what he is doing. You need to get out and be on your own without him.

I know it is hard. I know it is awful and it is wrong of him to do this. But you can get past it and move on and have a great life.

I know, I do it, and 8 years later, I'm still doing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 12:01am
Thank you so much for your advice. I keep thinking that the worst day is behind me, and lo and behold the next day is worse. I go from feeling absolute anger and resentment at him. I'm so mad that he so hastily filed for divorce. He came over for a bit tonight and we discussed the divorce with our 3 year old. I bought a book that helped to explain divorce and we both talked to her and reassured her what we could. Of course, it seemed to be over her head, but I know she is feeling confused and she constantly asks where daddy is. After, he and I talked and it was actually very civil. I told him that I was hurt that he got a lawyer one day and filed for divorce so quickly. I feel so betrayed. I asked him to please not let them serve the papers at my job. He said they would probably bring them Tuesday night, and I am so dreading that. I am so sick of people telling me to cheer up or that I'm gonna be glad, blah blah blah. No one in my family is even divorced and I know they mean well, but nobody understands. I feel so alone right now. I just want these emotions to go away. I want to stop loving him. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to feel so weak or defeated. And what hurts the most is that as a parent your worst fear is that your children will experience pain, and now with the divorce I know it's unavoidable. I know one day she will cry because she misses me or him. I know she will feel left out and I would give anything if I could ensure that this would not affect her. When am I going to feel better? When will I feel happy again? Although I do not know any of you personally, I can't even explain how important this message board has been to me. I feel like you are the only people who understand this kind of pain, so thank you for all of the support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 12:55pm

Mandi,


Welcome to the board.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 2:56pm

I think Wisdomtooth gave some really excellent advice.


I will say that if you & your STBX can be civil toward each other & cooperate in the raising of your DD, her life doesn't have to be unhappy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 08-18-2008 - 8:53pm
I know that then end of a marriage is a culmunation of many things gone wrong. But here's the thing- we got into our spat the Saturday before last. I was annoyed that he was yet again choosing to spend time drinking beer and watching T.V. Granted I'm not one of those wives who has a problem with him having space, but A. he's a teacher and off for the summer doing nothing but sitting on his butt and playing internet poker (my parents who were here for all of this commented on how much time he spent on his computer) and B. Within the last week he had been out twice with his new found drinking buddy/fellow coaches. I on the other hand was and still am working 40+ hour weeks and going to school to finish my BA. I admit, I got fed up that he had the nerve to not show up until the next afternoon, and I walked in the house and he was on the couch and I walked into the bathroom and he clearly had just taken a shower and left his flipping underwear on the floor
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 10:49am
I would have a problem w/ that too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 7:09am
Get an attorney and, please, quit trying to conceive with this man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 9:48am

Hi Mandi,


I was married to a school teacher too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 4:27pm
Oh my gosh. When I read your post I couldn't believe the similarities. My husband just told me last Monday that he wants a divorce. Completely out of the blue for me. He was gone for six weeks taking a graduate school program and he comes home and suddenly he doesn't want to be married, have kids anymore (which we always talked about was in our future) he doesn't want to own a home with me - that we JUSt bought seven months ago! Unbelieavable. It is like a switch flipped and I don't know this man at all. I am SO shocked, angry, sad, hurt, etc. This has been the worst week of my life. He even told me to add a new deck onto our house while he was out of town only to come back and say he wants a divorce and to sell the house! I too have a mother in law that has always wanted me out of the picture. I am sure she is thrilled right now! He is staying with his folks and I at the house. I can't believe any of this. We have been married 2.5 years and together for 6.5. I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. How do you cope with someone doing to this to you. Someone you love more than anything suddenly tells you he doesn't want you anymore. I want to get through this wihtout a lawyer. The only thing we own together is the house and everything should be 50/50 and amicable as possible. We don't have kids. Thank god for that. I can't imagine going through this with a child involved. I am so sorry about your situation. You're not alone.

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