Husband just told me he wants a divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Husband just told me he wants a divorce
11
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 1:46pm
My husband just told me in an email he wants a divorce. We have been together for 18 years, married for 13 and have a 12 year old son. He says he has been unhappy with the way things are for the past year but he hasn't talked to me about it. Things got bad before Christmas but I thought the problem had been resolved. Turns out he lied about working things out just to get through the holidays. I don't know what to do. I feel like this whole thing has come out of left field. I know we have gotten into a rut but I thought we still loved each other and told him that I was willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage because nothing means more to me than our family. I asked if he would be willing to try a marriage counselor but he says he already has a hard time talking to me about our problems (no doubt how it got so far without me even suspecting that something was very very wrong) and he feels a counselor would make that worse not better.

I am so scared right now. If he wants to leave I can't make him stay. A divorce would be financially devastating for us. I work part time and homeschool our son. Even if I put our son back in public school and find a full time job, I still won't be able to afford the house. I'll lose my home, car, insurance, credit rating (I'll probably end up declaring bankruptcy because I won't be able to pay our debts) and possibly my pets if I can't find a place to live that will take a dog and cat.

I honestly don't know what to do right now and just want to cry. I have been trying to act normal all day because my son and his friend are here. They were supposed to be going on a field trip but it was cancelled due to the snow storm we are having. I think my husband sent me the email because the boys were supposed to be gone all day and he thought it would be a good time to talk. Now I have to act like nothing is going on while my heart is breaking and my worst nightmare is coming true. I really thought we were going to be forever, you know?

Sorry this is so long, but I don't really have anyone else to vent to right now and I had to get it out there. I can't believe this is happening to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 8:01pm

I am very sorry to hear it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 8:19pm
i might not have good advise, but i had just went throught something close to what is happening to you now few months ago. if i were to know better back then, i would ask him what to do with the kid? who's taking care of the kid? how am i suppose to financially support myself? how am i suppose to find another man who is willing to take care someone else's kid? does he have enough of money to support the kid? does he have enough time to spend with the kid? does he have enough of money to support you? if he can't, tell him don't even think about leaving. if he can't even take good care of the family, then he won't be doing any better at else where.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 1:29am

Dear Tigermom,


I am sorry for your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 7:16am

Thanks for the support and advice. It really does help to know I am not alone in this.

My husband came home to talk last night. He said most of the problems he mentioned he knows can be worked out but the main problem is that he has feelings for someone else. It is a female co-worker who is 15 years younger. She was in a bad situation that he started helping her out with and the feelings grew from there. He said he can't even put a name to the feelings and it hasn't gotten physical and he doesn't talk to her about us. I am sure having a woman 15 years younger show interest in you when you feel old and bored with life is a huge ego boost.

Anyway, he is confused because he never imagined he would have feelings for anyone but me. I remained calm while we talked and we did talk about what would happen to me and our son if we went through with the divorce. I don't think he really thought about how much we would lose.

Bottom line is he has to work through his feelings for this other woman. If he can then i think we have a shot at saving our marriage as long as we make some changes and make our relationship and each other a priority again. If he can't then I guess we seriously discuss a divorce. He did say he knows that our 18 years and the life we have built together should out weigh the feelings he has for someone he hasn't even known 3 months but you can't just turn off feelings.

I am just trying to give him space and time to think right now. I am not being confrontational or chasing after him. It is hard but I know I have to start with changing what I usually do because it is just not working. What I am most worried about right now is what, if anything, to tell my son at this point. Any advice on that end would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2007
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 2:15pm

I can understand how you are feeling, I was where you are right now a year ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 6:32pm

Hi Tigermom - I read your first post and I have to say that I knew what you were going to write in this post before I read it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 12:34am

Dear Tigermom,


I have not yet read the posts after you responded to my post, so if I am asking the same questions or giving the same advice, please forgive me.


As far as what to tell your son, I have a few questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 12:42am

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 10:53am
I'm so sorry all this is happening to you right now. I understand the task of homeschooling and what that entails. I homeschooled my kids for most of their lives. I did put them in public schools for the first time last year because I myself started school. Take one day at a time. Don't assume that you will be alone for the next 18 years. I know that is a very real fear for you right not because no one likes to feel lonely, but one day a wonderful man will come into your life and he will love you and your kids. Keep a positive attitude and just keep going.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 8:31am

Thanks you to everyone who responded. It was nice to come back after a couple days and see that people read my story.

My husband came home Sunday night and we did sleep in the same bed. This gave me the impression that he was at least going to come home at night. Well, we messaged a bit on Monday which was initiated by him and he said he was trying to make plans to go to his Dad's for New Year's Eve (which I already knew about) or possibly New Year's Day so I did not think much of it when he didn't come home New Year's Eve, just figured he was at his Dad's. Well, yesterday he was supposed to be off but he did not contact me at all and did not come home even last night. I sent him an email last night asking if we could arrange to talk on Friday while our son is on a field trip but he hasn't responded. I also left a voice mail this morning letting him know to check his email and also that I needed to tell our son something today since he has not come home for two days/nights and our son hasn't seen him in almost a week (he spent the weekend with a friend so did not see his Dad on Sat. or Sun.).

This is the hardest thing I ever had to do or go through. I had hoped we could be civil for the sake of our son and I have been but now it appears my husband has cut of all contact and I don't think that is fair to our son.

Maybe I made a mistake by contacting him yesterday and this morning but we really do need to talk about financial issues and our son. I want to give him time to figure things out but how much am I supposed to give? I just feel that if I demand he cut off all contact with his "friend" and come back and go to counseling it will just drive him farther away. And I can't force him to come home or go to counseling. Plus he sees this person every day at work. His brother and mother have already told him it is not worth it but I don't think he is seeing anything right now but those "feelings" and does not realize they most likely will not last.

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