Husband leaving over my family

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2012
Husband leaving over my family
8
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 6:47pm

I have been with my husband for 7 years now and married for almost 5. He left me 2 weeks ago and I have seen him twice to discuss our bills and marriage. He says he is divorcing me because always has belieived I put my family before him. We have always had issues about mine and his family. He thinks I love my family more than him because I try to help them and I am good to them. A few months ago he asked me to stay home from my sisters baby shower and I did to show him I wanted to work on our marriage. I thought everything was going in the right direction but when he left I went and seen my sisters newborn baby after he told me if I ever spoke to my family again it was automatic divorce( he was mad at my sister for letting her husband cuss me out). I figured were we were seperated he didnt care what I was doing because he wouldnt even talk to me. Then his mother who has always been in our business calls him while hes seeing me to tell on me for seeing the baby. He left very angry at me and I think its stupid to divorce someone for seeing their neice. He forgets how his family done us. His mother kicked us out with no place to go, then sued him, got on public websites and called him names and told his ex wife they should still be married. But according to him my family is horrible. They took him in when he had no one else. I was with him when he had no one else. Ive always stood by his side and I dont understand why hes never stood by me. I dont know what to do. Don't know if I should request marriage counseling when he gets the papers or just let him go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 7:39am

If you don't know...............................then let him go.

If he isn't the the first person in your life, and you in his, then move on, if you can.

It all sounds like a lot of Children's Drama Club, and it's better to cut half of it out of your life and deal with your own problems.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 10:03am

Is there a reason why you should cut your family out of your life?  Was your BIL reason for cussing you out warranted?

You mention your DH's family is dysfunctional and seems to be to some degree possibly abusive?  His Mother in particular?

When it is just you and your DH, is there anytimes he is emotionally, verbally or physically abusive towards you?

To be honest, what you have shared here.  I would have to say, consider yourself lucky and leave this marriage.  Then take some time to heal and move forward.  There is most certainly someone out there that will give you comfort, support and love.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2012
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 11:38am

He thinks I love them more than him because I help them out sometimes but me helping them has never put us in a hard spot and they have helped us many many times. His  family is not the type to help each other, their usually the first to get revenge if you don't do as they say. My BIL did not have a right to cuss me it was over an xbox that my husband gave him for free. He always says he hates them cause I make over them but no matter what his family has done to us he wants me to make over his mom  but not my own. His mother has been telling him hes going to divorce me and find a woman who will dump her family and give him what he wants...His first marriage he had an issue with his mother because she did not like his wife at the time, but once again he used the shes "obsessed" with her family. Not every woman is obsessed with their family lol Seems like he has some issues with women because of his mother who has pretty much controlled him and his brother by threatening to take things away from them, like their jobs and money. He may need counseling. I'm not saying I am guitless in our marital problems but we have had more problems from his family than mine, but usually all blame goes to mine no matter what they have done for him. When he quit talking to her for 2 years we hardly ever had an argument and if we did we apologized immediatley and it would be over, but now if we argue it lasts for days. He calls my sister names when he gets mad at me, which hes been doing for a couple years now, he acts like hes jealous of her. He done his first wife the same way, but he sees that were the problem not him. Hes living with his mom right now which is not helping anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 2:25pm

I agree that it doesn't seem like that much of a loss to let him go--he's the one who obviously prefers his mom over his wife.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 3:59pm

  IMO just leave get a divorce.  This will never change. No point even discussing counseling.  Just go one with your life.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 1:28am
If it were me I'd let him go. He sounds like a spolied baby who wants ALL your attention to himself. Who is he to tell you that you can't go to your own sisters baby shower? IMHO that is extremely controlling and immature behavior. Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but personally I would NEVER tolerate this controlling behavior from my own H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2012
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 10:28pm

Thanks everyone. Its just rough, I dont know why hes so controlling. He acts like hes two different people sometimes. Sometimes hes the most caring person in the world then the next if we get into an argument he says what he can to hurt my feelings. He use to cry to me and tell me he didnt want to be like his family, that he wasnt like them. Now that hes talking to his mom again hes back to well I can do this on my own without you.... Its a very messy and confusing situation lol His mom tries to get him to do stuff knowing he could get arrested and go to jail and lose his job. She tried to get him to beat his dad up because he said something to my husbands brother ( who is 25) like its my husbands job to do that. Shes remarried and has been for 9 years but still calls him and his new wife and cusses them but then says its his new wife. Its crazy. I think she may have passed her mental issues on to her sons lol. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 9:11pm

They say you marry the family...the closer the family ties, the more true this is. It sounds like you both are extremely close with your families and often this can come in between a husband and wife if appropriate boundaries aren't set. While everyone here seems to say let the marriage go (and I might agree that would seem like the easiest solution), I'd have to play devil's advocate and ask where your responsibility is concerning drawing your own lines and boundaries w/your own family? Obviously him forbidding you to go to your sister's baby shower sound ridiculous, immature and controlling - however what would lead someone to that extreme behaviour? I'm sure he doesn't want a divorce b/c you went to your sister's shower, but more so b/c you guys are unable to reach common ground when it comes to outside people and circumstances. And yes, if he would agree to it, I would think that counseling with a 3rd party, would definitely be worth the try. Marriage does require both people putting each other first and both people have to be able to agree on how and when this is done - like a dance so to speak. Take responsibility for your end of things and be honest with yourself concerning where you may have made your family more of a priority than your marriage? Otherwise, even if you let this marriage go, you'll be likely to repeat the same mistakes w/someone else. If you BOTH can't be mature, take responsibility and take steps towards growth within a marriage, THEN you might as well exit b/c it sounds like the situation is getting completely out of control.