Husband left, just not sure about things
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| Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:00pm |
My husband left me a week before Mother's Day. He came home late one evening from a drive and told me he wanted out. This did not come as complete shock as we have and many ups and downs since our daughter was born two years ago. I have some depression issues but he was very kind and helpful, and some time last fall I started to feel better and we were making progress. In January things were really good, then daughter got sick ended up in the hospital for a few days and but a strain on things. After that we both got colds and virus and were sick and cranky for next month or so. I finally sat him down and tried to talking to him a month ago and he said he just wasn't happy. I tried to get him to talk more but couldn't really get anything out of him. I outlined a plan to get us to spend some time togther and stuff and he agreed. However it never really happened, he always had to work late and help friends with stuff. Turns out he wasn't really working late he know says, he just couldn't stand to be in the house with me.
So he comes homes and says he is unhappy and doesn't love me any more and that he may have feelings for someone else. I try everything suggesting changes counseling all that stuff, he says not that he has absolutly no feelings for me and that it wouldn't work. He moved a out a day or two later. Everything has been pretty civilized, since. We worked out a schedule to help daughter adjust and he didn't really take that much leaving me most of the stuff.
I am torn up I go from hating him to loving him every day. First I don't want a divorce, I have prayed and prayed and don't think it is the best option. I also do not want this for my daughter. However, with him saying he doesn't love me, and to be honest he seems to have problems just being in the same room with almost like he hates me. I just don't know what to do.
Also on the topic of the feelings for the other person. He know says he doesn't really have feelings for her, and that he miss said it when he was talking to me. I however think he does have feelings for her. The "her" in question is a lady who we had recently become friends with her and husband a few months ago. The kicker is she is know is the middle of divorce (husand was abusing her) and she is about 12 years older then my husband and has a 5yrd old that my 2 yr old is really good friends with. He says they are just friends, but it could one day lead to more. You see, he says they have lots of stuff in common that me and him didn't.
I am at a lost. I want him back, but dont' know if it is at possible. I hoping that he will tire of her, but I just don't know (she is very nice and pretty attractive, and really bubbly and energetic, somethings I may not have been recently). I don't know if I should try to talk to him again and retry or just wait it out and see if he might come back. Any advice? I could really use some.
Thanks!
Wow. I know that was a lot(hope it made sense), but it sure felt good just typing it all out! Thanks to all those who took the time to listen to me.

Hi there.... "miss said" or not, the point is... he's talking to HER when he should be talking to YOU and figuring out where the two of you really stand... and he cannot do that if he is "talking" to her.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
My ex at the end of our marriage couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. It was as though I disgusted him completely. He wouldn't look me in the eye. He barely answered me when I asked questions. You can imagine how this hurt. This was two years ago. He did resent me, yes, because there was someone else. He wanted to be with her -- and he was. He wanted out of the marriage and was treating me like hell. So I understand completely what you're going through. You're depressed. Life has been difficult lately; you're not the carefree person he married right now because everything has been so stressful. Rather than go through this with you, he runs away. That's cowardly. You think "what's wrong with me?" The answer is nothing. These are life events and adults handle them. He helped put you in this spot where you think you have nothing to offer, because he is not capable of taking the bad with the good. Believe me, it is not you.
See a lawyer and at least get a separation agreement. You need to have this legalized on paper.
Good luck. Keep us informed.
HUGS! I know these feelings of rejection are SO painful. However, I agree with the other posters. Do not put your life in hold for your H. If he is unable to treat you with the respect and attention you deserve, that is his problem, not yours. Tell him you feel the divorce is a mistake, but you will not sit around waiting for him endlessly to make up his mind.
My ex did this, too. He avoided home, spent time with buddies, said I was no fun, etc. With a lot of counseling and the support of friends and family, I learned these were HIS issues, not mine. But I know it's VERY hard not to internalize being treated like this. Remember, you are still a good and worthy person, no matter what.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
Thanks so much for all the advice! I feel better just being able to "talk" about my problems and have people understand.
I guess I do need to have a talk with him and let him know more of my feelings, and let him know what I have been thinking and working on. I think that I have positive steps and self discoveries, in my life just in two or so weeks he has been gone. The thing is I am scared to talk to him. I feel that he won't really listen and that I will be rejected yet again. But most of all I am scared that it might be too soon. Should I talk to him now, or give him a few more weeks to maybe think things through so that he might be more receptive to what I have to say. When he left he made it very clear it was divorce only and that he not one shred of feeling toward me (which I find somewhat hard to believe, because he was once such a great loving guy). But I am scared also that given more time, will just get him more involved with his "friend."
In the mean time I am working on myself, even joined an Areobics class to help my body and improve my social life (which has currently been nonexistent). I have also realized what my parts of the marriage that went wrong and on working ways that I could fix them if he were to decide to come back. I guess I am doin what was suggested and moving on and working on myself, although it is very hard.
I guess I am going to visit a lawyer next week and just see what my options are. I noticed someone mentioned a seperation agreement, and I've never heard of that, what is it?
Thanks! I am starting to think a little more logically about everything know.
First of all, welcome... I'm sorry you've found the need to be here, but I'm thrilled you're here... I hope that you'll find that this is a very supportive board...
It feels good to type it all out, doesn't it... its almost like your head is spinning with comments about the situation and to finally let go of them by typing them out is very releasing I've found... doesn't make it go away, but it releases you nonetheless!
I suggest that you find someone to start talking to... a counselor, a minister or someone else who can help you figure out what exactly it is ~you~ want at this stage. Given your h's action, you may not have that much of a choice, but the counseling can help you get clarity on what you want and need from the situation...
As far as the other person goes, I would be careful with this one... although he says there aren't feelings, she is going through a traumatic time emotionally right now and she could be leaning on him in a way that could create feelings quite easily... I say this because (leaving the age issue out) this is the exact same thing that happened in my case... he was friends with this other girl... in fact, we'd all go out together, the three of us... we were all friends... and then well, you know... she was getting divorced... and I got this weird call from my stbx saying that I had to speak up for ~them~ if her stbx called me about the whole cheating thing... um, you wouldn't even call if it wasn't going on... he said that he didn't have feelings for her than he would a friend... but... they moved out of state together one week after the divorce was finalized, swearing it wasn't serious two years ago and are now planning on getting married this fall...
What I'm getting at is that you cannot trust your h's word anymore... you can only trust his actions... Be careful and take care of yourself and your little one... she needs you more than ever now!
*hugs*
Julie