husband left & pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
husband left & pregnant
6
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 12:52am
My husband left 2 wks ago. He said he didn't love me anymore and he thought it out and decided he didn't want to be married. He said we would sell the house, he'd move in w/his parents & I'd move in with mine. I was crushed, I'm 2 mos pregnant of a planned pregnancy or so I thought, we have a 2 yr old also. Of course my first question to him was if there was anyone else, he said no. Two days later, I backtracked all of the cell phone bills and discovered that since last october he had begun a relationship. It's been almost 2 wks since he moved out and I found out about her, I have yet to really break down, my friends and family are concerned because of the stress I'm keeping in. I'm so confused, he swears she was just a friend, I don't buy that. He had his first visitation with our daughter. On the second day after his visit, she had a meltdown that I have never seen her experience, it broke my heart. How could he be so selfish and do what he did. By the way I did talk to the other girl, she sounds young and not very bright, I'm not at all insecure about her. I'm still numb about the whole situation, I've gone to an attorney and sought legal advice. All I want is the house, I have worked very hard to keep it. I just don't know, I usually know the answers to everything and this time, I just don't know. Anyone have a familier story to share? I have so much family and friend support, yet I feel alone, I don't want them to feel sorry for me, I perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my 2 children. I have an education, yet all that knowledge, I just can't figure things out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 8:04am

Hugs to you.


I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I can tell you that it does get easier.


My husband left me when I was 5 months pregnant, with a planned pregnancy. He also said he didn't love me anymore. Well, I should say that he said he loved me as the mother of his children, but not as his wife. We had gotten married 6 months before that, had been together 6 years, we also have a 6 year old ( who was 4 at the time he left )


When my H left, he also told me that there was no one else. He left 7/31/03, by 10/03 he had told me he was moving in with a girl that he worked with ( MUCH younger ) as a roommate. I knew better. Before that, it wasn't cell phone records, it was bank transactions. Lucky for me I knew this girl lived on Grand Island ( near here ) and there is literally no other reason that he would go there. He would get gas with our bank card and I handled the bills.... I saw the transactions.... needless to say I don't believe that he lived with her from October on, I believe he left my house and went to her. He told me for a month that they were "just roomies". Then finally admitting that they had been dating mid November. I know differently now, but you see the pattern of lies that formed. He was dating her from the beginning, I found emails, pictures, IM conversations, all sorts of things that point to him seeing her before he left, but he will never admit it.


My son took it hard when my H left, of course, I contribute that to my emotional state. After all, you know, when your prengnant things hit you harder and you tend to think with your heart instead of your head. I cried way too much, my son saw it and the more I wasn't ok, the more he asked where daddy was.


My H visited often at first. Although there were A LOT of cancelled visits. That was hard. Then I finally let my son go there overnight. My son came home, "ok"......


My point is, no matter how much we get mad no matter how much it hurts, there is nothing we can do about the situation. Your child will be ok. It takes some getting used to, definitely a life change. But only you can make it ok for her. You guys are going through a transition right now. Everything is "different".... everything feels "weird". That period will last as long as you let it. Find a new routine, visitation on a schedule with daddy is a good place to start. Your child has to fee secure and knowing what happens next is a big part of that. Talk to your STBX and get a schedule going. That will also give som "you" time. For healing, for pampering, lots of things.


I think what I went through was the hardest thing I EVER went through. I will say that it made me who I am today and for that I am thankful for the situation. My children are happy, I am happy. Is my relationship with my X perfect? No, but we are working on it, great things always take time, remember that.


Hugs and please keep us updated.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:55am

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It's comforting to know that someone else has shared my experience. It's been two wks and he hasn't even said sorry. You know it just breaks my heart to know that he didn't even care to tell her about our beautiful daughter. I don't know where she works I just know her first name from the 2 conversations I had with her. This Friday I go see an attorney to take the next step. Again thank you so much and it's great to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You some ask if he would come back and beg for forgiveness would I take him back, my relpy is that this hurt so much, for me it was so unexpected, we were going to buy an SUV the week before. I don't know if I would ever be able to trust him again and I just don't want to live that way. I know it will be hard on my children, but I don't feel I could ever trust him again, this was the person no one ever expected could possibly do something like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:52am

Hugs.

It does get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I wasn't pregnant when my ex and I split, but I went through a lot of the same things. No, of course there isn't anyone else. Well, ok, there is but she's only just a friend. Well, um, she and I are moving in together. Trust your intuition. There is a reason women have it. You are a strong person, it comes across in your words. You will be ok, and your kids will be ok. It may take a long time, but one day you will realize that you are happy, and it has nothing to do with him. It's not because of him, or in spite of him, it just is. You are right also not to trust him again. My ex's other woman had another man within three months of the time they moved in together. He ditched her, then cried and told me how sorry he was and begged me to take him back. I told him that I didn't think I could trust him again, and he proved that he was not worthy of my trust yet again within a very short time. He;s been engaged three times in the past two years, and is about to get engaged for the fourth. Yes, I'm still single, but being single makes me happier than his relationships have made him. Good things will come to you, because what comes around goes around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 3:02pm

warning - this is long!

Wow, your post and then the responses that follow hit so close to home with me. While I was not pregnant when my xh left me, I was pregnant when his affair began (I just didn’t know about it). My story started in the hospital while I was delivering our 2nd beautiful daughter (first was only 14 months old). XH seemed VERY distant in the delivery room. Didn’t help me through labor like he had with our first one, was rude to me and my mother, etc. I knew he was disappointed that we were having another girl (because God gives me what I want and never gives him what he wants), so I just figured that’s what it was. Then he left the hospital about an hour after I delivered (as soon as I got to my room) and didn’t come back until the next day, just for a brief visit, then left again. The next morning I called him to come and get us and he snapped at me for expecting him to just jump and come and get us. Obviously we all know how draining labor/delivery can make us, let alone the additional stress he added to the situation. Looking back now, I should have seen more signs but I just believed his excuses. The day we got home or the day after, I finally forced him to talk about what was going on. That is when he gave me the line “I love you but I’m not in love with you and I don’t know that we belong together”. Of course, first instinct is “is there someone else”. Well, of course there isn’t he’s just not happy. I don’t cook enough, clean enough, have s*x enough, etc. This went on for my entire 6 week maternity leave (hearing what a terrible wife I am and how I don’t make him happy). He couldn’t decide if he wanted to stay, he wanted to know if I was going to change, etc. Never mind that I was busy with my emotions and taking care of 2 under the age of 1 ½ . Looking back now I know the ONLY way I survived that time in my life was by the Grace of God. Of course, this whole time I believed there was no one else (well, maybe I did and maybe I didn’t but it was easier at the time to ignore any gut feelings). I had mentioned to a friend of mine that he had been deleting his call logs on his cell phone (incoming and outgoing calls) and she suggested I check his detailed call on-line. Since I was the one that paid the bills I had his cell phone account number and ss number and I logged on to check his calls. It was the night before I was to go back to work and needless to say I took another day off and visited a divorce attorney. What I found that night was unbelievable to me. Call after call to the same number. Now the lies began (even more). It was a friend of a friend of his that had passed away and they were discussing their feelings of the loss. They had a whole story made up of what her name was, etc. It didn’t take long for me to find out the truth though (with no help from him, of course) and it ended up being someone he worked with that I had always joked with him about having an affair with because he always talked about her and came home with suggestions from her on how to raise OUR kids. Anyway, I kicked him out (in a nice way, I didn’t throw is clothes in the yard and burn them or anything) and changed the locks. He continued to try to talk to me about working things out, IF I would change MY ways. He had been verbally/mentally/emotionally/spiritually abusive for most of our 3 year marriage, so this was just the icing on the cake. I let him know that I’m not someone he wants to live with after having an affair. I would NEVER trust him, I would always be checking phone records, e-mail, etc. and that’s just not how I want to live my life. I’m very sad for my baby girls, this is not what I want for them and if I truly thought he could get help and change I would have tried, but he just kept going back and forth and never would stop the affair. Then he got arrested for domestic battery (tried to break my wrist one night when I picked up a picture of OW at his apartment) and that was it. They made their “affair” public and the war was on with them. I was a terrible person, I’m bipolar, I’m not the Christian I claim to be, etc. He has tried to talk to me about coming back twice now, just last week was the 2nd time. It’s been 1 ½ years since he left and he’s been living with OW now for over a year of that. They both left their marriages to be with each other, so in my opinion they need to make it work. I do NOT want him back, yet the power of persuasion in abusive men is strong. I’m so much better off without him and my home is now a home again. I don’t walk on eggshells and I don’t get called a f*c*ing idiot for spilling something on the carpet. But I also feel like I want my family together and I don’t want to let God down by not doing everything I can to make it work. I didn’t fight for him. I decided if he wanted someone else, then that’s his choice. We were married and he went outside of the marriage and that was the end for me.

I’m sorry that I rambled so much about my own story, once I get started it just rolls. I want you to know that you are not alone and things will and do get better. People on this board tried to tell me that when I first came here, and I just couldn’t see how. My biggest problem is sending my girls to their home, sharing them with OW. I didn’t have kids to share them with another woman. Nothing hurts more than that. She can have him, but she can not have my kids. However, there is no way around it. No court cares about that and it’s something we have to live with. The sad thing is they both do drugs, they both have out of control tempers and anger issues, etc. Yet EOW I have to send my kids to them. I do find some comfort in knowing he does know how to care for kids (changing diapers, feeding them, etc.), however I know if they get too cranky or misbehave too much, he is at risk of losing him temper rather quickly and they are not at ages where they can really let me know if they are safe. Very hard to handle!

You sound like you are doing really well and like you are a very strong woman. Like you, I’ve got great family support and lots of friends to help. I know, too, that I can take care of myself and my girls and I’ve been doing a great job of that over the last 1 ½ years. In all honesty, I'm almost glad this happened when it did because my girls will not remember any of this (well, I hope not anyway). It’s sad to me that they won’t know “mommy and daddy together” but I think for their best interest it will be easier on them because this is all they will know. I don’t know yet how I will answer the questions when they come though. But I will work on that. Right now I just do my best to make all exchanges a pleasant experience for them, I encourage them to "kiss daddy goodbye" or "tell daddy what you did today", etc. Most of the time he does the same. I don't want them to suffer because of his poor choices (or mine, for that matter). He is court ordered not to contact me unless it is regarding the children and it is in a civil manner. I think he needs to look up the definition of civil though, he's not really sticking to that all the time!!!

I don’t get to post here very often, but if you ever want to chat or vent you are welcome to e-mail me at familyswim@yahoo.com. You are not alone and this board will be a great support source for you. I’m sorry that you had to come here, but I’m glad you found us! I’m sure as you go through the steps and phases, you will have different questions and feelings, so feel free to bring them all up.

keep your chin up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 5:42pm

hi there-
can i first say hugs to you, and i am so sorry for what you are going through.
my husband also left me in the middle of a planned pregnancy. I was 5 months pregnant when he actually moved out. The weekend that he moved, I took my son to the mountains and we stayed with a friend of mine. I didn't tell him what was going on, we were just spending the night with a friend as far as he was concerned, but at bedtime he had a major meltdown and just cried and cried..."i want to go home"...it was so horrible and awful. My husband never did want to try counseling. He just said he was so angry with me that he needed to leave to get away from his anger for us to have a chance. Our first pregnancy was so good and happy, that I think it was an added shock on top of him leaving to have no support in the middle of the night, or when I couldn't feel the baby kick, or when one night I fell down the stairs and couldn't move for a while. I just felt so alone, and desperately protective of my baby on top of that. It felt like he just abandoned all three of us...but mostly me and the baby, because he would hug and kiss our older son when he picked him up, but never want to feel the baby kick or ask how i was feeling. it was so bad.
i guess i'm telling you all this so that you might know you aren't alone. I know when Angelena wrote to my first post here and told me that her husband left when she was pregnant too, it was such a relief to know someone had gone through the same thing. i knew there must be people out there, i just couldn't find anybody.
My baby is due in two weeks. We still don't have it worked out who is going to be in the delivery room, newborn visitation, etc etc.
I guess the only thing I can offer to you is this: try as hard as you can to enjoy your pregnancy. It's such a miracle, it's such an amazing thing. Try and take comfort from the little kicks and movements and know that you aren't alone...that no matter what your husband is doing to you, you're building a life of a person that is going to need you and rely and you and will love you more than anybody.
After a particularly bad time, i would always rub my tummy and tell my baby boy, we're going to get through this, sugar.
I am worried that being so sad during my whole pregnancy is going to have an averse effect on him, so i try as hard as i can to keep a positive spirit and take care of myself, because that is the only way i know he will be ok.

i hope you do ok, keep us posted. you can email me if you want to, broncobridget@yahoo.com

bridget

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 9:01pm
Thank you all for sharing your heart felt stories. On what seemed to be a long day, your stories have brought a smile to my face. I'm moving on, I need to do what is right for my children. I will keep you all posted on my progress and chat online when the going gets tough. I know those days are coming, I'm tring my best to prepare for them. God Bless all of you, and thank you again for your words of encouragement.